Joke

[third eye]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little Sindhi man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked "Do you have water?"

The Sindhi replied "I have no water. Would U like to buy a tie? They are only $50."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
...

"OK," said the Sindhi, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need"

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said "Your f****** brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[Che Guevara]

‎" Wanted Wife "
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It was the Status of my Facebook:
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2 girls liked it

And 140 men commented
" Meri lelo " =D












Terrorible English by School P.T sir:

1.There is no wind in the football.

2.I talk,he talk, Why you middle talk?

3.You rotate the ground four times.

4.You go 'n understnd the tree.

5. I'll give you clap.

6. Bring your parents with Your Mom 'n Dad

7.Why Haircut not cut?

 

[Che Guevara]

 

[fatman17]

Psychologist vs Lawyer!


A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl looked at him and replied with a loud voice;


I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!

Everyone in the library started staring at the guy and he was obviously
embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and
whispered:
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt
embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice:


"$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!

And everyone in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy
whispered;


“I study Law and know how to make someone feel guilty"

 

[fatman17]

I think PIA is not alone. We have some competitor as well.
Enjoy!
regards





WELCOME TO AIR INDIA ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain PATEL (Boniface)

Welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air India we apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, (You don't know how difficult it is, to fly an airplane now-a-days) it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Air India has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!

To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary food.
For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you that, today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Emirates Airline, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however, we go a little too close, do let us know.

Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and Fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who cant find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who cant find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.

ENJOY AIR INDIA!

 

[Salik]

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remember this Dhamaal scene

Comedy Corner - Dhamaal - Comedy Scene - Aeroplane scene - YouTube



YouTube Unblocker | Unblock YouTube Anywhere | Free YouTube Proxy

 

[Last Hope]

Psychologist vs Lawyer!


A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl looked at him and replied with a loud voice;


I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!

Everyone in the library started staring at the guy and he was obviously
embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and
whispered:
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt
embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice:


"$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!

And everyone in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy
whispered;


“I study Law and know how to make someone feel guilty"

Something better would have been,

"$15 for one night?! Oh hell that's amazing!"

 

[jha]

Madam: Ek ped par 5 birds hai, 1 aadmi 1 birdko goli mar de to Kitne
bache

Student: Ek bhi nhi.

Madam: Kyo

Student: 1 ko marne par baki ud
jayenge.

Madam: Ans waise to galat haibut
tumhare sochne ka tarika achha laga.

Student: Main ek que puchhu

ma'm? Madam: OK

Student: Ek bench par 3 ladkiyan baith kar icecream cone kha rahi hai.
Usme se ek icecream chat rahi hai,Ek choos rhi hai, Aur ek kaat
kar kha rahi hai. to batao unme se
married kaun hai.

Madam:Jo choos rahi hai wo married hogi
Student: No Ma'm jisne wedding ring pahna hoga wo married hogi.
Waise apke sochne ka tarika
mujhe achha laga

 

[Developereo]

What's the best thing to have with you when being chased by a wild animal?


A slow friend.

 

[fatman17]

Subject: HILARIOUS !!!! - India Calling!
To:

India holds a certain sense of mystery for the world outside its borders... read on to find how curious foreigners are about India and its ways... or rather read on to find out how dumb and ignorant they are about us .. this was taken from a tourism blog where people could post queries if they were planning on making a trip to India ....


N.B. The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour.


Q : Does it ever get windy in India ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q : Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in India ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs India ? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi , Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in India ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into India ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can I wear high heels in India ? ( UK )
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore , and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in India ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in India ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Q: Can I see Taj Mahal anytime? ( Italy )
A: As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime.

Q: Do you have Toilet paper? ( USA )
A: No, we use sand paper. (we have different grades)

 

[Iggy]

In an Ahmadabad Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Baroda hotel elevator:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Surat hotel lobby:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Jamnagar:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Ahmadabad hotel near Gujarat College:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Bhavnagar hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an Anand laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time..

In a heritage hotel at Junagadh:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white a$$es)
in Rann of Kutch:
Would you like to ride on your own a$$?

In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.

In the office of a Ahmadabad gynecologist:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Bharuch hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.

 

[fatman17]

I was overspeeding on the Highway when a tall Cop with a speed gun stopped me. He said,'What's the hurry?'

I was already angry for being late, so I decided to rough it out. I replied, 'Officer I am getting late for an operation.'

'What do you do?' he asked.

I am a rectum stretcher,' I answered.

'A what?'

'A rectum stretcher,' I repeated.

'what the hell is that?' he asked.

'You see officer, I stretch rectums,' I said. 'I put one finger in the hole then slowly, very slowly enlarge it to two fingers, tnen four, then my hand, then my arm, and then my both arms, until the hole is about 6 ft.

'Oh yeah!' he exclaimed. 'And just what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?'

I looked at him carefully in the eyes and said,'We give him a speed gun & park him on the Highway.'

Speeding ticket : $ 32.

Look on his face: Priceless

An Alberta cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses andYSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactlyhow many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at hispeacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects Itto his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on theInternet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get anexact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite thatscans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opensthe digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an imageprocessing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image hasbeen processed and the data stored.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected ExcelSpreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and Says,"You have exactly 1,586 cows and
calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy.He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused asthe young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?""You're a member of parliament for the Canadian Government", says the cowboy."Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid foran answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked. You tried to show mehow much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

 

[Sugarcane]

Aik Murghi ka Kawway se rishta ho gaya,
.
Jab Murghay ko pata chala, to wo Murghi k paas gaya or Bola:
.
Mujh men kya kami hai? Smart hoon, Kawway se zyada khoobsurat hun, Tumhari biradari ka hun,
Meri awaz pooray sheher men goonjti hai.
Murghon ki Union ka President hun”
.
Murghi:
Main tumhare jazbaat ki qadar karti hun,
.
Lekin!!
Amma Abba ki khwahish hai k Larka Air Force men ho

 

[fatman17]

Law is an ***

> but Lawyers are no FOOLS.
>
>
>
> A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this
> creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window
> and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I
> fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence
> committed by his limb."
>
> "Well put," the judge replied.
>
> "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's
> imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
>
>
> The defendant smiled.
>
> With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
> on the bench, and walked out. ...
>
>
> Don't mess with Lawyers.....manipulation is their game !!

 

[Sugarcane]

A man in rural Wisconsin woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. Not exactly sure what to do, he takes a look in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers".

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun and a mean ole pit bull dog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his t-sticles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."