Cultural conflicts

[A for Anarchy]

I've 'been out' with white American girls before without 'going the distance' (religious/cultural reasons), & all the Pakistani American girls I've met here are not someone I envision myself with in the future.

You do not need to go the distance.

If you like, you can try being in a healthy non physical relationship. I am currently in one for 2 and a half years - Yet I have not entertained the thoughts of marriage. My girl shares similar views. Marriage if at all when it happens will happen when I decide to jump the step.

And no my parents or her parents do not know. Her dad is one of the most uncoolest men I have known when it comes to conservatism.

You cannot have one thing or the other :/

 

[BelligerentPacifist]

There are a lot of young, successful Pakistani girls out there of course. It's not the problem with the particular individual, but with the whole concept of arranged marriage. Compatibility issues. How can you develop a bond of love & friendship with your partner you've spent a brief time knowing, that too in front of "everyone's eyes", not as much on a personal level, the way it is in dating here.

I talked about self-sustenance before, because I don't want to be doing things for her all the time to make her happy, & I don't expect the same from her either. A relationship on friendship/companionship & trust, free from pressures from society, free from the constant bickering in families & comparisons on the basis of social status etc. Anyways, maybe I need a few years to think about this, as I'm clearly not ready for marriage at this stage. These are some of the issues I've seen my Pakistani friends my age & older deal with when they're engaged or married.

The second point is something I too am conflicted about. This disney or the bollywood idea of love has gotten into so many of our girls' minds it's impossible for them to think of marriage as a relationship that takes effort to sustain, they can only think of the warm and fuzzy faux-reality.

I empathise exactly with the idea that you don't want your wife to give up her personality or her job ...i.e. her 'independance' and become clingy over-dependant on you. Fine, let her be busy with her own life, go to her job. That will give her other issues to deal with than only your married life. Be wary though, that could very easily become lopsided too, this time on the other end of the balance - you can end up being two individuals and not one couple. As people told you earlier, it takes maturity and effort to keep it going well.

Compatibility issues: try spend more than just 'a little time' with her on those meetings. Be an are. don't care for 'everyone's eyes' and ask the questions you need to ask. Get her skype id and talk afterwards - people talk much more freely from behind a computer, and they write more freely than they talk. If they give you the boot for being an arse, too bad, their daughter deserved it and you deserved it, you'll find better parents-in-law hopefully.

 

[T-Faz]

You will never find the perfect girl, just like girls never find their perfect guys. At the end you adjust a little for her, and she ll change a little for you. Relationship would be boring, if everything was perfect.

Obviously these girls haven't met me.

 

[BelligerentPacifist]

...
Peoples past -- ... - remember peoples past, is just that, past -- but of course in Pakistani culture of Honor and shame, the past is always a issue, not the future or the present, but the past, kinda explains why we are stuck in the kinds of issues we are stuck in....

In a utopian muslim world, we don't pry into our partner's past, and love them despite. Things that are done and over and now between them and Allah or the State (in the legal system a witnes's worth depends on the speecklessness of their criminal or falsification record, but you two ain't the judicial sytem for each other).

Wonder why it never caught on in our culture!

 

[BelligerentPacifist]

PDF - Pakistan Marital-issues Forum - zindabaad!

 

[A for Anarchy]

PDF - Pakistan Marrital-issues Forum - zindabaad!

May be some folks should get on to one of the Pakistani dating sites and US-Pakistan dating/matrimonial sites and think of helping Bilal out.

Or Bilal can use friends of friends option in Facebook to get himself introduced to new women.

//Said in Jest. But it is a pretty practical idea. :/

 

[T-Faz]

I've 'been out' with white American girls before without 'going the distance' (religious/cultural reasons), & all the Pakistani American girls I've met here are not someone I envision myself with in the future.

Let me give you an apt analogy, you know before you buy a car, you test drive it to see if it is suitable.

Well its the same thing in this scenario, you "test drive" the, uhmm, car. You check out its bonnet, you lift up its hood to check what's inside, you run your hands on its body, maybe even get inside but that is up to you and if the salesman (parents) allows it. But once inside, you can rev the engine, get some torque going and see the car purr like a kitten.

So yeah test drive it, either before or after getting engaged.

 

[A for Anarchy]

Let me give you an apt analogy, you know before you buy a car, you test drive it to see if it is suitable.

Well its the same thing in this scenario, you "test drive" the, uhmm, car. You check out its bonnet, you lift up its hood to check what's inside, you run your hands on its body, maybe even get inside but that is up to you and if the salesman (parents) allows it. But once inside, you can rev the engine, get some torque going and see the car purr like a kitten.

So yeah test drive it, either before or after getting engaged.

In my case - I just hope it works ( ). I have not test driven because the car is still so awesome, that I do not want to let go :/

 

[T-Faz]

I'm a traditional guy, so basically, if I'm not getting married with a girl, I can't date before that either. That can be hard to comply. But then, I'm not ready for marriage of course, & I'm kind of apprehensive of dealing with a South Asian type marriage where the whole family gets involved. Even though the idea of marriage is pretty far ahead in the future. So it's a multi-pronged problem.

Let me give you another apt analogy, this time using Eid-ul-Azha.

You know when the Bakra Eid is round the corner and you decide to buy a cow, well its the same process as choosing a girl from your own country or abroad.

The local cow will be more grounded, affordable and it will provide you with what you need. The foreign cow on the other hand is expensive, might not settle in well but it will attract attention and will make you feel like a big man.

So you have to decide, what kind of cow, I mean girl you want, a foreign one or one from your country.

 

[BelligerentPacifist]

Let me give you an apt analogy, you know before you buy a car, you test drive it to see if it is suitable.
... you run your hands on its body, maybe even get inside ....

If BH tries to follow your analogy to the letter, he might not live to tell you about the date!
"Uncle I really need to get inside you daughter before I decide to marry her." I can imagine the rest of the convo.

 

[T-Faz]

If BH tries to follow your analogy to the letter, he might not live to tell you about the date!
"Uncle I really need to get inside you daughter before I decide to marry her." I can imagine the rest of the convo.

He should use the car analogy to make his case.

 

[BelligerentPacifist]

^Let's hope he bungles it and says exactly what you told him then!

 

[A for Anarchy]

Hope the car does not take him for a ride which is too costly.

 

[53fd]

The dad might 'get inside' me first if I tell him I want to 'get inside' his daughter

 

[SQ8]

Obviously these girls haven't met me.

Somebody's feeling like Barney stinson these days.. Faz's advice..