This is an article I wrote 8 years ago and it is still relevant now, I hope you guys enjoy it:
Oh right more Crap or How I learnt to stop worrying and love the Bullshit.
I woke up one day and read another anti-Pakistan article.
OK, I thought nothing to worry about really, because I know that Pakistan is imperfect and there are many big problems that need to be solved. Not least are the issues of terrorism, extremism, poverty, feudalism etc. But still my mind would not let up, why I had to ask? And in a flick of a switch these questions came flooding through:
• Why is there such a steady drip of anti Pakistan crap in the Western media?
• What would the west hope to gain by this anti Pakistan crap?
• Has Pakistan not done enough (crap) for the west already?
• What other crap do they want Pakistan to do?
• What would the west do if Pakistan refused to carry out more crap that it thought was crap?
The synapses would not let up and again an over simplified and MTV bamboozled brain poured its output. The local amateur dramatics group is refusing to do this because it is too contentious, humbug I say, in that overly Dickensian way, we in London have got used to since Maggie ‘milk snatcher’ put in place her ‘back to Victorian values’ government and which Tory Bliar (this is not a misspelling) continues to run, praying on bended knee for salvation from his great friend in the sky GWB:
In the meantime, back to the issue at hand is what do they want? And the neurotransmitters have come up with this neo-conservative Texan to answer those vital points: (tongue, obviously, firmly placed against cheek)
“Pakistan is a moosleem country and one without oil or any other utility and hence could do with it toeing the line. And that means doing whatever we say it is, now and in the future.
But right now we have the following simple and easy to do demands/orders etc:
• Find and destroy Al Qaedaaa and the Talibaaan, so that our American soldiers do not face any problems in Afghanistaaan and hence can get longer RnR, which is so important. Also finding OBL would go down really well, especially during the coming election year. We’ll tell the CIA to give you guys to go ahead, just as soon as we get his family to OK it first.
• Recognise Israel. Once Mossad… sorry I meant Mullah Diesel gives the go ahead. This is good for you and better for us. Actually I’ve no idea why it’s good for you but hey it makes us look good having a big moosleem country like Paakistan give the OK for jewish oppression, no I meant jewish co-existence peacefully just as long as there aren’t any of those moosleem Palestinians in the area.
• Send troops to Iraq and every other hot spot where the US messes up such as Somalia. You guys have a big army and our guys just hate dying, so when we need help, we make Pakistan look bad in the media and that way we can get that help a hell of a lot easier. Easy really.
• Stop the infiltration across the LOC and give up any claim to Kashmir. This is important because of our new best friends the Hindu fascists sorry Hindu BJP who don’t like the moosleems any more than we do and that gets our thumbs up.
• Give up the nuclear deterrent. Sign the NPT and CTBT. Well in case we need to come and kick your ***, the last thing we need is our boys getting some ****** moosleem mushroom glowing over their heads. That is bad TV and no body in the US laughs at that kind of thing.
• Accept Indian dominance and open up your god damn markets for Indian goods. We help our new friends and then we get them to buy more stuff from us, like that radar of ours called the phalcon, sorry I meant the Israeli radar, and they are selling it, we had nothing to do with, honest.
• Stop any involvement in Afghanistan. Well that one is obvious we spent 10 years and billions of dollars kicking the soviets out and then 10 years later we invite them back in ourselves and hand ‘em Kabul on a plate and we don’t want you ###### moosleems to be spoiling the oil carve up, I mean the peace process.
• Break of relations with Saudii Arrabians, China, North Korea, and anyone else who might help ya etc. The Saudii are moosleems and we don’t want you madmen getting mixed with those idiots for your sake as much as for the sake of our oil. The Chinese want to become the next USA and there isn’t any room for 2 of us, (not unless we get some juicy contracts out of it) and so plainly we don’t want that happening and you helping them gets up our nose while the North Koreans just keep sticking 2 fingers up and telling us to ###### off and we don’t like that, and they have the bomb which makes it so hard now to invade them, and heck we are gonna blame you for that too.
• Open up your markets for free trade from us while suffering quotas/restrictions yourself. Well we like your cotton towels honestly we do but how many towels do we need, not that many so we have to limit it so that everyone can play and also we don’t want to ###### of our new Hindu friends who want to sell us cotton towels too. And you need our over priced software and 777s and don’t you want those F16s that you paid for and we gave you soya bean – most expensive soya bean in flicking history - suckers.
• Give us access to all military bases that we need to ensure the smooth flow of oil. Gwadar would do nicely thank you. Well we have heard that the yellow peril has finally got itself a nice resort right next to our favourite sea channel and we’d like to play too, in fact we like to play without you or your yellow commies friends, on your own soil and while you guys are at it, can you hurry up and build that oil pipe from those Asian ‘stans.
• Stop all your human right abuses against the Christians and Hindus etc and turn the other cheek when they occur in other countries particularly if they happen to be strategic bulwarks. Well our friends are providing us with much needed bulwarking and hence need you to stop pissing on them, and its only moosleems that died for chriisakes, the way you guys go and on, you’d think it was Jesus himself, hey remember moosleems are not real humans and they love dying anyway, so what is the big deal.
• Hey how about some democracy (unless of course it effects our interests). This one is more difficult. Basically It keeps the missus happy (and that keeps me happy in the, ‘you know which’ department) that we are promoting fair representation for your people but me I don’t give a ####.
Remember guys you’re lucky we are not bombing you right now cos if I had my way I’d be dropping a few daisy firecrackers on your sorry country right now you bloody moosleems, especially since most of us in the media reckons it was you Pakistani ISI guys that helped those hijackers on 911 in the first place.
And if you don’t comply, Well I wouldn’t wanna be a Pakistani if I were you, because we gonna re-impose sanctions and if that don’t work than we will recall all loans and at a stroke bankrupt your basket case country and if that don’t work we’ll arm the Hindus and give them the green light for a pre-emptive strike and if that doesn’t work then we’ll threaten you with military action and if that don’t work (this is my favourite bit because it always looks good on TV and gets massive ratings which is all that matters really) we will actually bomb you to the stone age and then invade you maggots like we did Iraq. Or we could just let you linger and disintegrate by your own contradictions and problems.
I hate this alter ego. It scares the hell out of me and most of the world, but wait there is another mad person in there too and he is gunning his ideas:
1. Sanctions have not worked and do not work. They did not work in Iraq nor did sanctions stop Pakistan from acquiring the bomb and the method to deliver it to her enemy. Of course if the subsequent death of thousands of children and vulnerable people in Pakistan allows the west to sleep easy than that it is a choice they will have to make and it is a choice that they have made easily before. However we will have to remind these idiots that when this method of coercions was tried before the sanctions just allowed our friends - the ‘bearded extreme ones’ to recruit all those that had fallen, gave them a meal and a gun and told them that heavens door was theirs if only they would go and do a little job for God…
2. And bankrupting Pakistan is a one time action and means that Pakistan’s large debt does not have to be repaid. This would hurt western interests at the same time as obviously causing a major upheaval in a country with 150 million (now very hungry) people armed to the teeth. If I was a western government official I would be shuddering at the thought of so many millions thinking that death is a release. These same guys would be the ones driving around those mobile missile launchers and their extremist leaders would be just waiting to join that big party with the big guy. Shahadat R’ us in the making.
3. Pre-emptive strikes by India would have a temporary effect and Pakistan could now feel that it was the manly thing to retaliate especially since their brain washed minds think that Hindus have small balls and a few nuclear tipped missiles up their wazoos would help confirm that. A radioactive wasteland in South Asia does not help anybody’s cause. Not even Uncle Sam’s.
4. Threaten it militarily – this could work but has the danger that eventually the west will have to call its bluff and carry out military action and invade Pakistan. And there is the slight danger of it all looking Hitler’s march to Stalingrad, there are so many weapons out there. Iraq in comparison looks like a holiday resort where you could safely send Ian Botham’s mother in law. Besides the bearded ones might just launch a couple of Ghauris onto the Ghoras sleeping in their ‘invincible’ carrier groups and a few more across the adjoining borders to wake up the neighbourhood and welcome them to the party too! with a made in Kahuta firework show over, lets say, Bangalore. Is that Bill Gates I see, shitting a brick?
5. Allow it to disintegrate like Afghanistan but imagine Afghanistan with 10x the population and hence 10x the weapons and the 10x the anger. A country in rubble like Afghanistan created the forces that carried out the only known international attack on mainland USA. Oh the pain – because obviously western pain is that much greater than any other pain on this globe.
Am I crazy, probably and what do I know? I am nothing more than another one of those numbers making up the masses, waiting to be a free man, but:
Pakistan is pilloried on a regular basis, yet it has always supported the US and the west during its 55 year existence – it has never once threatened the west so why is there such a strong anti Pakistan view in the west?
The real way for the West to solve the Pakistan riddle is to engage the country.
Help it out of its basket case problems restore the institutions that have been damaged due to simultaneous trouble on both eastern and western borders for well over 20 years - problems that the west is very responsible in causing and maintaining.
If not, does the west really think they can contain the forces that would be unleashed if Pakistan is further weakened or isolated and especially if they go to grab the nukes in case the extremists actually do win?
Me? I am no longer scared, I am just sitting in my padded room in the village waiting for the next anti-Pakistan BS, oh here it comes…