Joke

[Sugarcane]

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

 

[Sugarcane]

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

 

[sms]

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.


They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.


Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."


She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"

 

[Zarvan]

ملٹری انٹیلیجنس کے حساس ترین شعبے کیلیئے انٹرویو ہورہے تھے۔ کل تین امیدوار تھے ۔ انٹرویو لینے والے پینل کے سربراہ نے ان کو کہا، کہ جس شعبے کیلیئے ہم نے آپ کا انتخاب کرنا ہے یہ بے حد اہم نوعیت کا حامل ہے، اس میں ہمیں سو فیصد فرض شناس اور ملک و قوم کی خاطر کچھ بھی کر گذرنے والے افراد کی ضرورت ہے۔ آپ کو ایسے کام بھی کرنے کا حکم دیا جائے گا جو آپ کو پسند نہیں ہوں گے لیکن آپ کی ڈیوٹی کا تقاضا ہوگا کہ آپ وہ کریں ۔
تینوں نے یک زبان ہوکر کہا کہ وہ ملک کی خاطر سب کچھ کرگذرنے کا حوصلہ رکھتے ہیں ۔
آفیسر نے میز پر ایک پستول رکھا اور پہلے جوان کو کہا کہ کمرہ نمبر ایک میں جاؤ وہاں تمہاری بیوی بیٹھی ہے اس کو گولی مار کے آؤ۔
پہلا جوان اٹھا، کچھ دیر سوچا لیکن پھر بیٹھ گیا۔ کہنے لگا۔ " میں یہ نہیں کرسکتا، میں اپنی بیوی سے بہت محبت کرتا ہوں "
آفیسر نے اس کو باہر جانے کو کہا اور دوسرے جوان کو بھی یہی کہا کہ دوسرے کمرے میں تمہاری بیوی بیٹھی ہے جاؤ اس کو گولی مار کے آؤ۔
دوسرا جواب اٹھا، پستول ھاتھ میں لیا لیکن دروازے سے واپس آگیا۔" سر ! میں اپنی بیوی کو گولی نہیں مارسکتا، ہمارے دو چھوٹے چھوٹے بچے ہیں، ماں کے بغیر ان کا کیا بنے گا؟ آئی ایم سوری سر! "
آفیسر نے اس کو بھی باہر جانے کا کہہ کر تیسرے آدمی کو کہا وہ دوسرے کمرے میں جائے اور اپنی بیوی کو گولی مار کے آئے۔
تیسرا آدمی جلدی سےاٹھا اور ساتھ والے کمرے میں گیا۔ پہلے تو ایک ہلکی سی کلک ، ڈف کی آواز آئی۔ پھر دو تین مزید ایسی ہی کلک ، ڈف کی آوازوں کی بعد ٹھک ٹھک کی آوازیں آئیں۔ چند منٹ بعد تیسرا امیدوار انٹرویو والے کمرے میں واپس آیا۔ ماتھے سے پسینہ پونچھتے ہوئے کہا۔ "
سر آپ نے جو پستول دیا تھا، اس میں تو نقلی گولیاں تھیں، مجبورا" مجھے کرسی مار مار کر مارنا پڑا۔" —

نہاب الرحمن
@Aeronaut @Leader @Jazzbot @Icarus @Irfan Baloch @HRK @jaibi @Oscar @nuclearpak and others

 

[MastanKhan]

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?

A: The rest are hunt'n peckers



Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?

A: They have to pull their own pants down.

 

[Sugarcane]

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.

Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

 

[BeyondHeretic]

-Why is Canada called a melting pot?
-Cause they smoke pot

 

[Iggy]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sardars had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sardar community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sardar community. If the Sardar won, the Sardars could stay. If the Pope won, the Sardars would leave.
The Sardars realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. To make it more interesting, the debate was to be conducted using sign language and neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sardars can stay. "

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that Jesus died for our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sardar community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What happened ?" they asked. "Well", said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that the Sardars had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sardars. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?", asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine"

 

[surya kiran]

 

[Sugarcane]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.. Couldn't walk for a year.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.. Couldn't walk for a year.

 

[Gautam]

TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes... The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .......What?"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

 

[Zarvan]

A husband calls his wife... "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over. Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff. I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion. I think I will be ok!"

Wife, "Who the hell is Susan?"

 

[Rafael]

a man named ted was aboard a ship sailing through the caribbean. This ship was brought to a harbor for two days where the men were able to leave its deck and have some fun at the local pubs for sanity's sake. A few drinks in, ted was lounging outside under an umbrella enjoying the night. on the fence next to him sat an interesting tropical bird he found to be quite entertaining for he kept spitting out some witty phrases spoken in the island's native tongue. ted found this bird far to intriguing to leave behind.
a day later the sailors were back on the ship along with a new member. the bird..now named frank always found a comfortable spot on ted's shoulder. the men went about their ways..swearing their heads off. soon enough the bird picked up enough catch phrases to make any sailor proud. however, one day the captain declared the general's arrival and that each sailor was to greet him with the utmost respect.

it just so happened that this same day, frank decided to be as vocal as possible. he was throwing out every foul word he knew. ted warned him. it didnt do anything.. he warned him again and put frank in a cabinet. the bird scratched and clawed and became even more vulgar. finally ted grew so desperate for the bird to shut up that he threw him in the freezer. at first frank scratched and squawked but then he suddenly grew very quiet. ted, waited at first but then became concerned for he thought he had hurt the bird.
he opens up the freezer door. the bird meekly climbes onto ted's outstretched hand and apologizes for his behavior. he said he would never swear again. frank then asks with a grave undertone..."by the way, what did the chicken do??"

 

[OrionHunter]

Lol!

 

[Marshmallow]