Why people should NOT get married in Pakistan

[Armstrong]

@Armstrong I will not let you off so easily, When r u getting married
I can not wait for that day

Marriage !

Hell No - Mein azaaad pansheee hooon !

 

[saadee]

Marriage !

Hell No - Mein azaaad pansheee hooon !

Shaadi la ladoo jo khaee woh bhee pachtaee aur jo na khaee woh bhee pachtaee.

 

[Gufi]

Marriage !

Hell No - Mein azaaad pansheee hooon !

don't fly too much you might end up featured on the news and good to know lets have a who marries later bet

 

[Desert Fox]

Before you wrinkle your eyebrows in a ‘holier-than-thou’ frown and judge my very existence, let me assure you that this blog is not a preaching of what you should or should not do. This blog is based on mere observations of human relationships and a concept that defines our lives in so many ways – shaadi (marriage).

I was familiar with this word at a very young age. But it was at the age of six when my brother (eight-years-old then) told me something that freaked me out. In sheer exasperation, that only an older brother can have, he said,

“I can’t wait till we marry you off so that you’re not around to annoy us anymore.”

“I’ll still be here,” I said.

“No, you’ll be living at your husband’s house. You won’t live with us forever.”

I don’t think it would be an exaggeration to say that the ground beneath my little feet shook as I came to realise he was serious. I did what any six-year-old would do, I burst into tears.

“What? No. How is that possible? Husband? I can’t leave my house, this is where I live. Why would you say that? Ama Baba will never let me leave! They won’t let me go, I’m their daughter. Will you leave too when you get married?”

These were the questions I somehow managed to word out.

With regret on his face, my brother apologised and calmed me down. He explained that every girl has to leave her parents’ house after marriage. He explained how our mom lives with us and our dad and not with Nana Nani (maternal grandparents). He said just like she left her house to live with her husband, I will have to as well.

That was my first reality check.

Marriage isn’t all fun and games; it is something that takes you away from all the things you love. It’s better for boys; their lives pretty much stay the same. But for girls, your entire life will change. Since then I began to observe our society. I observed married people and their actions. As a student of psychology, I analysed their verbal and non-verbal cues, signs of distress, facial expressions and body language.

While people my age ventured into relationships and ‘dating’, I became that one friend who gave the best relationship advice and who knew what to do despite never being in a long-term relationship.

Years later, today, I have developed an aversion to the concept of shaadi. People shouldn’t get married and here are my reasons. Once again, these reasons are based solely on observations.

The institution

No, I don’t believe the institution of marriage is flawed. Since the beginning of time, through religion, culture and society, people were to find a partner to spend their lives with, in holy matrimony. Marriage was a sacred bond; legends and epic tales are proof of the sacredness of this union.

Today in our times, however, this institution has lost its sacredness because people stopped respecting the bond itself. It became a ritual performed because ‘we have to’. Parents took it upon themselves to get their children married to the most suitable partners. Consumerism increased the need of more rituals, a need to display the union to the world along with a desire to compete, boast and beat others at it. Shaadi no longer means marriage, it means wedding.

Our generation

The generations before ours (our parents, grandparents, etc) had a different meaning of relationships than we do. For them, it was all about compromise and fixing things. They are the kind of couples who go through hell and still stick together. I’m sorry but I don’t think our generation has what it takes to tolerate and be with each other through thick and thin. Therising divorce rates back up this argument.

We, the youth, are conditioned to be independent and free thinkers. What we read, learn and watch (through the media) has evolved us into accepting individualism. We rebel against the system, question norms and think out of the box – that is what our generation is. There is nothing wrong with these qualities but perhaps it is these qualities that cause problems in relationships.

When both the partners are so opinionated and do not have the ability to compromise or sacrifice their own needs and wants for the other, then how is a relationship supposed to work?

They call us the resilient generation, well resilience also counts for our ability to move on and bounce back when a relationship ends, so perhaps that’s why we don’t try to fix relationships and work on them the way our parent or grandparents did.

Divorce is no longer taboo; if we can’t stand someone anymore, we leave or think of leaving.

Sexist time bomb

Our society is extremely sexist to BOTH the genders, especially when it comes to marriage. Not only does a girl have to leave her home, her room, her parents and her freedom to move in with her husband, she also has a constant psychological ‘tick-tock’ on her head since the day she turns 20.

Trust me, this tick-tock is a constant nuisance hanging over heads. There is so much that I want to do with my life. I want to study, work, build a career, travel the world, and write a book! To this argument, I am told by everyone,

“So, no one is stopping you. You can do all of this after your shaadi.”

Agreed that you can study after marriage and work post-shaadi but what about the other things?

Will my husband have the patience to let me be locked in my room writing for most of the day? Will he be fine if I want to focus on my career for five years and not have children?

And boys don’t have it too easy either.

While a boy gets to live in his own home with his parents after shaadi (lucky son of a gun), he also faces the constant tick-tock. He is told he has to complete his entire education, build his career and get settled at least by mid or late 20s so that he can ‘afford’ to have a wife and family. I really don’t think that’s fair. The pressure of getting the best job and high-figure salary can be really stressful.

What if he wants to become an artist or travel, things that won’t get him the money he needs. What about his dreams?

Marriage is a full-stop to our dreams. They say we can pursue them after shaadi but who are we kidding?

Shaadi changes people

During the pre-nuptial period, everyone is on their best behaviour. Not just the couple but the families of both treat each other like royals. It is all about gifts, wedding preparations and impressing each other.

It is only after the shaadi that everyone becomes comfortable with each other and reveals their true selves. Mother-in-laws, who before the wedding sang praises of how perfect their bahus(daughter-in-laws) are, begin to mentally make a list of all the things their bahu does wrong and how awful she is. The bahu suddenly sits, walks, cooks and breathes in the wrong way.

For the bahu, she begins to see her mother-in-law as nothing less than Cruella De Vil.

Every single person in both families feels responsible and overly concerned about the couple and their relationship. They become mediators and judges even though no one asks them too.

The boy and girl gradually begin to change into constantly irritable, annoyed and bezaar (fed up) human beings. Stress levels increase, tempers boil and each day, the ability to tolerate each other reduces.

These are some of my reasons (I have many more) of why people shouldn’t get married and why I won’t (till my parents have had enough of my excuses). I have seen and heard of so many couples getting divorced (many who were deeply in love with each other), people cheating, families turning against each other, children fighting with parents, people ending relationships in a blink of an eye. I have heard of khalas (maternal aunts) turned mother-in-laws, physically abusing the bahu. I have heard of a man throwing his wife out on the street a week after their love marriage. I have heard of in-laws kicking the girl out because she couldn’t produce a son.

I have heard of enough shaadi horror stories to loathe the entire concept.

If this is what holy matrimony and relationships come to then thank you very much, but I’m better off.
Why people should NOT get married in Pakistan – The Express Tribune Blog

This is Shaadi, the highly cultural concept of marriage in the subcontinent (Pakistan, india, etc...). This has nothing to do with the Islamic concept of marriage that unfortunately many Muslims of the "Islamic" Republic of Pakistan do not adhere to.

1). The author complains that the shaadi itself becomes more about the wedding day, impressing relatives and friends with extravagance, unlimited spending on expensive gifts and dresses, on expensive wedding halls, feasts, . This again is a cultural thing in Pakistan. Our Prophet (PBUH) had simple weddings, so did the Sahaba (RA), and so did the many righteous people who came after them.

2). The author complains that after the shaadi the wife has to move out of her family's house and live with her husbands family for the rest of her life. Well, who said she couldn't visit her own family or live with them a day or two once in a while?? Who said her husband and the mother-in-law had the right to lock her up and never allow her to see her own family again?? This is again a cultural thing. The Prophet (PBUH) never did such a thing to his wives and he is the best example from mankind for all Muslims to follow.

3). The author complains that after shaadi the girl cannot/is not allowed to complete her education. This is yet again, another cultural thing from the subcontinent. Who said one should immediately stop going to school and start giving birth to children?? I know of couples in their early twenties even who have married and are attending university at the same time and both families are supporting them until they obtain their degrees and have careers to support themselves.

4). The author complains that the husband-to-be is under constant pressure to get a high paying salary job, complete his education so that he could "afford" a wife and this, just like the previous reasons for complaint, is a cultural thing. Islam encourages early marriage and there is no such prerequisite in Islam for marriage like a high-paying salary job with degrees that will take years to obtain and in the process years go by. Islamically, for as long as you are able to financially support yourself and your wife and fulfill her basic needs that alone is sufficient for marriage.

Unfortunately today even in Muslim countries people have attached a lot of cultural baggage to the institution of marriage. Instead of molding themselves to Islam people have molded Islam to their own desires.

 

[syedali73]

Distorting facts and lies

There is after all a reason why Hindutvawadi Bhartis love to visit Express Tribune and Dawn websites. These two media houses are hell-bent on ripping apart our society and snatching away our cultural identity from us.

Shaadi na karo tu kya karo? haram kari karo? harami bachey paida karo? aur paida karney key baad unhein sadak par phenk do taakey kisi aur key saath moonh kaala karo. Yahi naa? Aur kya matlab hey is bakwaas ka?

How beautifully Allama Iqbal said:

 

[Alpha BeeTee]

Haven't read such a badly argued case in a while...

Here in US, we'll throw this piece of garbage for its low quality.

Horrendous! In Pakistan, you get published for writing such crap?

wow!!

Express tribune !

 

[TankMan]

Dont know about 'West', even with high divorce, UK is a fantastic country for both men and women. Divorce means new beginning, you want to give a new chance to yourself. You got only one life, and you made a mistake. Its okey, try again, you got better understanding of relationship now.
You also free the other person to do the same.
Even here divorce has real implication, including financial, people dont just leave marriage like they discard their shirt.

The UK is no doubt a fantastic country, but their social structure has its own problems, especially within families and marriages. Divorces are extremely common and that is not a positive thing, it is a lot more than just a 'mistake' and 'new beginning'. Aside from the financial implications, children go through a lot of stress and custody tends to be a major issue. This is a lot worse when it comes to the lower levels of society, where issues like drug addiction etc become common in children struggling with their parents' strained relationship.

Of course, they still have an excellent system to ensure the issues don't become too bad, but why do we have to copy everything from them, even their negative aspects? Why shouldn't we keep the numerous positive aspects in our own culture?

I'm a big advocate of learning from others' mistakes and issues. But to copy those mistakes and thus replicate those issues is simply foolish. What's being suggested by some people here is not learning from the West, it's copying their mistakes. A witless approach.

There is after all a reason why Hindutvawadi Bhartis love to visit Express Tribune and Dawn websites. These two media houses are hell-bent on ripping apart our society and snatching away our cultural identity from us.

Shaadi na karo tu kya karo? haram kari karo? harami bachey paida karo? aur paida karney key baad unhein sadak par phenk do taakey kisi aur key saath moonh kaala karo. Yahi naa? Aur kya matlab hey is bakwaas ka?

How beautifully Allama Iqbal said:

View attachment 232567

Indeed. This is a great example of the witless, myopic and foolish approach taken by some of our people. Instead of trying to learn from the positive aspects of Western society, they want to copy the negative aspects and throw away our own society and culture entirely, including its numerous positive aspects.

 

[Desert Fox]

there is always an element of risk involved, in arranged marriage you mitigate risk by relying on cold calculated data (how much he earns, his family, how he looks like, is he suitable when standing together with girl, horoscope????) and experience of elders. In love marriage, you get to decides what you value the most. Sex is common in both, in fact lack of commitment to love makes arranged marriage more dependent on sex in early days.

Arranged mariage in subcontinent is high stake game. Sometimes you got to carry on because that was your luck, and you cant do better.

This is desi culture man. I have even seen weddings in Pakistan where the brides family was giving dowry to the grooms family and that is contrary to Islamic principles/Sunnah of the Prophet (PBUH). Only the groom is obligated to give dowry to the bride he cannot take it back from her. Many Pakistanis still follow a lot of pre-Islamic traditions unknowingly.

In Islam the bride and groom don't necessarily have to be of the parents choosing. For example if a guy takes interest in a girl and he wants to propose to her he is allowed to do so through a friend or a relative who informs the girl of his interest on his behalf and if she's also interested in him she accepts and informs her family and they both arrange a meeting for each others families where both parties get to know each other and see if they are suitable for each other. And from their if they're compatible they proceed.

 

[Alpha BeeTee]

Usual crap from express tribune.
Some media houses are making it a legacy to attack everything we have been carrying in our religion and culture for centuries.Too bad they are still a minority in Pakistan.No more than 1% of our population.
...
Regarding marriage men and women are inclined naturally to make companions with each other and have relations.Any one who wants to remain single is definitely not normal.
And if you are to live in a relationship then Islam is pretty clear about it.You get married otherwise don't get into a relationship at all.
Now it depends on you..if Islam is your identity and the driving force in ur life then you're good with this.
And if ur allergic to Islam then do whatever you want..ur not in that league..
The problems of marriage exist as they are,much of what we have created ourselves.So it's the problems that need to be fixed not the marriage that needs to be demonized.

 

[Azad-Kashmiri]

divorce system is one of the core aspects of islam... divorce was more common in the olden days

What are you talking about?

The Prophet ( صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) said: "The most hateful permissible thing (al-Halal) in the sight of Allah is divorce." (Abu Dawud, Hadith 1863, Ibn Majah, Hadith 2008).

What ''olden' days was divorce more common?'

do you know about the inheritance laws of islam ??

What do you want to know about it?

 

[livingdead]

The UK is no doubt a fantastic country, but their social structure has its own problems, especially within families and marriages. Divorces are extremely common and that is not a positive thing, it is a lot more than just a 'mistake' and 'new beginning'. Aside from the financial implications, children go through a lot of stress and custody tends to be a major issue. This is a lot worse when it comes to the lower level of society, where issues like drug addiction etc becomes common in children struggling with their parents' strained relationship.

Of course, they still have an excellent system to ensure the issues don't become too bad, but why do we have to copy everything from them, even their negative aspects? Why shouldn't we keep the numerous positive aspects in our own culture?

I'm a big advocate of learning from others' mistakes and issues. But to copy those mistakes and thus replicate those issues is simply foolish. What's being suggested by some people here is not learning from the West, it's copying their mistakes. A witless approach.

divorce is an individual choice, just like marriage. I dont like people forced into/pressured into marriage. I dont want people pressured into thinking divorce is end of world, it will ruin your life, and your children's lives.
I am not advocating divorce just for sake of it. In my culture, divorce is taboo, people look at you in weird way. You will get sympathy from others as if you are a cripple. People are scared to separate, because lack of divorced people creates an eco system that separates you as failure for life, with no second chance given.

I have read lots of accounts of children whose parents divoced amicably and those who sticked together because of children. Children of people with parents separated had it bad, but not as bad as broken family. Apart from the guilt (that your mom/dad destroyed their lives because of you) you never had a happy upbringing. Thats unhealthy.

I was countering the notion that a low divorce society is better one (successful?), in my own observation it hides cruel reality.

 

[Gufi]

Hell No - Mein azaaad pansheee hooon !

 

[Desert Fox]

There is after all a reason why Hindutvawadi Bhartis love to visit Express Tribune and Dawn websites. These two media houses are hell-bent on ripping apart our society and snatching away our cultural identity from us.

Shaadi na karo tu kya karo? haram kari karo? harami bachey paida karo? aur paida karney key baad unhein sadak par phenk do taakey kisi aur key saath moonh kaala karo. Yahi naa? Aur kya matlab hey is bakwaas ka?

How beautifully Allama Iqbal said:

View attachment 232567

The author makes some valid points and criticism isn't exactly a bad thing as it points out where the Pakistani society has gone wrong in regards to the institution of marriage. But what the author and many other people fail to realize is exactly that this is all cultural/pre-Islamic traditions mixed with modern materialistic individualistic desires/aspirations of parties involved in the wedding. Nothing to do with how marriage should be in a Islamic society. We have attached cultural baggage to the institution of marriage and made it a complicated stage in life for people who will/want to get married.

 

[Alpha BeeTee]

"Nikah is my Sunnah,whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not from me."
Rasool Allah SW.

...
There you go.So you see those people who oppose the very idea of marriage are going where.

 

[Sheikh Rauf]

We should also look at the other part of the west for taking exmples. Just saying!

Sure we sud...make it easy for men and women to get married like in west and make them hell for them to get divorced... provide equal opportunities for both genders give special status to women at work..
There is alot of room to make things better, all we get out of this what i read is depression...
Islam provide perfect solution thats where west get their most of laws...for example divorce.