Joke

[Kloitra]

Origami Bank folded last night. Apparently Sumo Fund Managers went belly up and Bonsai Bank, after a period of stunted growth, now plans to cut back some of its branches.

Kamikaze Bank took a dive and 1,500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. Onsen Bank has taken a bath and even Miso Bank is in the soup. The share value of Samurai Bank has been slashed.

On the plus side, now is a good time to buy Karaoke Bank, its shares can be had for a song.

 

[Kloitra]

What is the FREQUENCY?

Sixty hertz if you're in America.
Fifty hertz if you're in England.

Vs over lambda if you're an acoustical engineer.
C over lambda if you're a physicist.
Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes
if you're a surfer.

Once every two years if you're a governor.
Once every four years if you're the President.
Once every lifetime if you're Dan Quayle.

Four times a day if you're normal.
Four times a week if you're dehydrated.
Four times an hour if you've been drinking beer.
Four times a minute if you've been drinking Coors.

Once or twice a day if you're normal.
Once or twice a week if you're constipated.
Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico.

Six times a week if you're normal.
Zero if you're celibate. Hand jobs don't count.
Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street.
Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you.
Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO
lives down the street.
Twenty-four times a week if both your SO's live with you.

Three per session if you're normal.
Zero per session if you're impotent.
Zero per session if you're celibate. Hand jobs don't count.
One per session if you're old.
Ten per session if you're horny.
Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight
years on a Navy sub or a state prison. Gradually tapers to three
per session.

Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic.
Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic with an SO.
Once a year if you're an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it
didn't really count because neither of you came, right?
Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage.
Twice a day for the first two years.
Once a day for the next three years.
Four times a week for the next five years.
Twice a week for the next five years.
Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover,
for the next ten years.
Once every six months or so from now 'til death do you part.

Once every four years if you're an Engineering major.
Once every two years if you're a Physics major.
Once every three weeks if you're an English major.
Once every week if you're an Art major.
Twice a week if you're a stripper.
Three times a week if you're a high school football player.
Four times a week if you're a frat boy.
Four times a week if you're a sorority girl.
Fifteen times a week if you're a Tri-Delt.
Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million.
Thirty-seven times a week if you're a gigolo.
Forty times a week if you're a prostitute.
Forty-two times a week if you're a high school cheerleader.
Seventy-eight times a week if you're Traci Lords or Barbara Dare.
Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as
many different positions if you're Lisa.
Zero if you're John Holmes.

 

[Kloitra]

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing the former's impending wedding.

"If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony."

A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, "Only eight of the oysters worked."
---------------------------------------

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said. Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said. Still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

However, he was interrupted by the chairman of the conference: "No no, sir. You must not applaud!"

Dumbfounded he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."

"No sir, you must not applaud, he is translating your speech."

 

[Kloitra]

A famous film director, having died of late, arrives at the Pearly Gates. He is greeted by St. Peter, who is delighted to see him.

Peter: "Great! We were waiting for you! God's making a movie, and we need a director."

Director: "No, no, no! I am done! I have been directing for thirty years, and I want to rest. Eternally. Get someone else."

Peter: "But you don't understand. We have a script by Shakespeare."

Dir: "Sounds great...I'll see it opening night. I won't do it."

Peter: "Our set design is a collaborative effort between Leonardo DaVinci and M.C. Escher."

Dir: "Well, I really do need some time off. Maybe next time."

Peter: "It's a Bach score! C'mon, you've gotta do it!"

Dir: "You tempt me, Peter...."

Peter: "Here's the clincher: You've got an open budget, a tech crew known for getting stuff in early, and all the audition material you could dream of."

Dir: "Okay, okay. I'll do it. Where's the stage manager?"

Peter: "Over there. But first, there is something I have to tell you. You see, God's got a girlfriend, like, and she sings...."

-------------------

It seems that all of those secret police guys in USSR didn't remain jobless for long. Most of the field agents have been snapped up by cab companies, since they know their areas so well, and the desk workers have been hired as dispatchers. The neat thing about the new dispatchers is that all they need is the name of the customer and they can give the cabbies the address.

-------------------

Looking for a Husband

Hardware Requirements:

Pleasant screen and durable chassis.
Hard drive - no floppies!
User definable sex drive.
Must come certified "bug free."
Top-of-the-line joystick.

Software Requirements:

Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Husband Language) basic command subset (e.g. of_course_dear, yes_I_will_watch_the_kids, just_use_the_credit_card).
Must be easily programmable.
Single-user mode ONLY.
Very-user-friendly interface.

 

[Kloitra]

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house..."

 

[Kloitra]

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

-------------------------------------------------

Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to look around first, and to their surprise, it was.

First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys were there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes.

"Let's go to Hell," they said to each other.

Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time.

Back from Hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell.

Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a sub-surface car and driven to a coal mine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told them to start working.

"What's this? The last time we were here the place was entirely different."

"Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants."

 

[Kloitra]

The following is a verbatim quote of the opening paragraphs of a (serious) article on the effect that Salman Rushdie's book "The Satanic Verses" is having on Britain's Muslim community. The article is by Jack O'Sullivan, and appeared in The Independent, a UK "quality" national newspaper, on 5 Jan 1990.

A joke going around Bradford concerns two Muslims chatting in a halal shop. The first says he has decided to take the Government's advice to integrate and be like the British. "Oh yes," replies his friend. "And how will you do that?"

"I'm going to take my secretary to Paris for a dirty weekend," the first man says.

"But you don't have a secretary," the friend points out.

"That doesn't matter," says the first. "I'll take my wife and say she's my secretary."

 

[Ikes]

From Quora:

A Pastor baptised Fred and dipped his head in water three times. After the third time, the pastor said: "You are now baptised. You are a new creation;your old creation is gone. No more drinking alcohol. Your new name is David". David went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Budweiser beer bottle, dipped it in water three times and said: "you are now a new creation;your old one is gone. Your new name is "Orange juice"

 

[fatman17]

President Idi Amin once called his Foreign Minister and told him that
he wanted to change the name of UGANDA to IDI. The Hon. Minister was
tasked to canvas world opinion and return to the Field Marshal in two weeks.

He did not do so and was summoned and asked to explain.

He said "Mr. President, I have been reliably informed that there is a
Country called Cyprus and its citizens are called Cypriots.
If we change the name of our country to IDI, Our citizens will be called"IDIOTS"

 

[Luftwaffe]

You have Got To love Servicemen

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in

Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shyt out of your aircraft.

Now, exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

 

[Jango]

"Wazarate dakhla kay kehnay par tyre par puncture laganay walay ko bhi blue passport jari kiya!"---DG Passport and Immigration.

 

[Luftwaffe]

"Wazarate dakhla kay kehnay par tyre par puncture laganay walay ko bhi blue passport jari kiya!"---DG Passport and Immigration.

 

[Alpha1]

khan saab, he isnt the interior minister now

 

[RAMPAGE]

A Russian scientists discovered a way to transfer some of the pain of the child birth from the mother to the father. They find a couple and volunteer them for the experiment. As the woman is a about to go into labor(in Russia man were not allowed to be in the hospital where women gave birth) the scientists call the guy.

“Comrade, are you ready?”

“Whatever, comrade … click(hangs up)”

Puzzled scientists turn the machine to 10% call the guy again.

“Comrade, how are you feeling?”

“Fine, comrade … click”

Even more puzzled crank it to 50%, the women looks much better. Call the guy.

“Comrade, how are you feeling now?”

“(Annoyed) Fine, stop calling me every 5 minutes … click”

Finally, giving up the scientist crank it all the way up and call the guy.

“Comrade, tell us the truth how are you doing?”

“Shitty comrade, I am trying to watch a soccer game, my team is losing, you *** holes keep calling me every 5 minutes and my damn neighbor is screaming as if he is giving birth @Alpha1 @nuclearpak @WebMaster @Ayush

 

[RAMPAGE]

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.” The third one takes the $5000 and invests it

in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest br**sts