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Stupid and funny from all over the world - II

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A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah? What happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
 
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A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.
 
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that $hit."
 
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There was also report of a women who died on the plane because her breast implants exploded mid-air.
 
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