Joke

[Sugarcane]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[NirmalKrish]

Italians




Fabrizio

Rossi

Biaggi

Schettino

 

[Sugarcane]

Forgot my glasses ...Yesterday my grand-daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're 71 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You dodo, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

 

[Charlie1]

Nice Thread Guys Here's my contribution


Q:What would happen if women ruled the world?


A:There would be no wars.
Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
================CHAPPED LIPS================
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

==========Trouble For The SWAT Team============

The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"

=================BUBBA AND CLEM=======================

Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades and they decided that they better take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

 

[Charlie1]

(Dont know if its true or what but it sure is funny)
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recently announced that, for the past three years, they jointly funded a project with two major US auto makers, Ford and Chevrolet, whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in all four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 10 seconds before a crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 63 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, ****!” Only the states of Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Tennessee were different - where over 89 percent of final words were: “Hey ya’ll, hold my beer and watch this!

---------- Post added at 12:26 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:24 PM ----------

The Colonel's Order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

 

[Charlie1]

Desi leave applications:


"Since I have to go
to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me
one-week leave."




From an employee who
was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:


"as I want to
shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."


·
Leave-letter from an
employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my
daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

·
From
Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has
expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days
leave."







·
Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows:
"Since I've to go to the
cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please
grant me half day casual leave"







·
An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from
fever, please declare one-day holiday."







·
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in
this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me
today"







·
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my
headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."







·
Covering note:
"I am enclosed
herewith..."







·
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with
reference to the above, please refer to my below..."







·
Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is
suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I
may be granted leave".







·
Letter writing:-


"I am well here and hope
you are also in the same well."







·
A candidate's job application:
"This
has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and
an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past
several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am
applying for the post.

---------- Post added at 12:33 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:33 PM ----------

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

 

[Sugarcane]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME ! PICK ME !'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[Wet Shirt Contest]

NURSE kept SANTA FINGER in HER MOUTH
*after BLOOD TEST*
THEN SANTA STARTED DANCING
NURSE: Why are you DANCING ?? ??
SANTA:next is URINE TEST

 

[Sugarcane]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another baby."

You never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed!

 

[Sugarcane]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing."

 

[Sugarcane]

In a party a General proudly said that he did "it" 10 times with his
wife on his wedding night

Brigadier next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night

Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night

All turned towards a young Captain and asked how many times did he do on
his wedding night

Captain replied: Only once sir

General laughed n asked WHY??

Captain replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir!!!!

 

[Sugarcane]

A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads......

Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

 

[Pukhtoon]

Ek Bacha School Se Aa kar Maa Se Bola:
,
Ammi Aaj Me School Ground Me,
,
Shahid Afridi Lag Raha Tha,
,
Maa Khush Ho Kar :
,
Wo Kesay Mere Chand ???
,
Bacha :
,
Kal Ka Home Work Na Karne Par Teacher Ne Kaha K,
,
,
,
,
Jao Ground Ke Darmiyan Dono Haath Uper Kar Ke Khare Hojao

"\(',')/"
l l
_/ \_

 

[Sugarcane]

Early attempts to introduce hand grenades into the Irish army were none too successful. Soldiers were asked to pull the pin, count to ten and then throw the grenade. Trouble was, they needed both hands to count to ten, and they would store the grenade between their legs in the meantime...

 

[Sugarcane]

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.
These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."