Joke

[A.Rahman]

hSdwozLU7h4[/media] - Fifty Fifty - 65

 

[TexasJohn]

With all the Hispanics around nowadays, here is what Room service sounds like in the US:

Telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service.

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

Room Service:: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

Room Service: "Hokay. An San tos?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "San tos. July San tos?"

Guest: "I don't think so"

Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bother?"

Guest: "No..just put the bother on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

Room Service: "One Minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say"

Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud"

Guest: "You're welcome"

 

[Neo]

Indian Hell ​

A man dies and goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!

 

[TexasJohn]

Oh yeah! The last time I visited India in Dec1999, I had the joys of enduring the "chalta-hai" attitude first hand!! wanted to blow someone's brains out - preferably my own!!

 

[Flintlock]

I don't know if anyone here will get my jokes but here goes:

A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food".

Thats very,very good.

 

[A.Rahman]

A guy was depressed so he called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

He told them he was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if he could drive a truck.

 

[HAIDER]

 

[Xeric]

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recently announced that, for the past three years, they jointly funded a project with two major US auto makers, Ford and Chevrolet, whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in all four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 10 seconds before a crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 63 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, ****!” Only the states of Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Tennessee were different - where over 89 percent of final words were: “Hey ya’ll, hold my beer and watch this!”

haha ...lolzzzzzzz.......
thts true.....

 

[Xeric]

How to take care of your wife:



In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do
something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.



Here is a guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES

-- You make the bed (+1)

-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

-- In the rain (+8)

-- But return with Beer (-5)

-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

-- It's her pet (-10)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)

-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy
(-2)

-- Named Tina (-4)

-- Tina is a dancer (-10)


HER BIRTHDAY

-- You take her out to dinner (0)

-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)

-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the
colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

-- You take her to a movie (+2)

-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)

-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)

-- You say, 'It doesn't matter, you have one too.' (-8000)


ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

-- She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter
WHAT]

-- You hesitate in responding (-10)

-- You reply, 'Where?' (-35)

-- Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned _____expression (0)

-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

 

[x_man]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bugger poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr Alan had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.
No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say,
'Alan don't worry about it, you aren't the first to sleep with one of
your patients and you won't be the last.

You're single, just let it go.'

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality whispering,






'Alan, you're a vet'

 

[A.Rahman]

BEFORE & AFTER MARRIAGE

Before Marriage:
John - At last, I can hardly wait!
Jane – Do you want me to leave?
John – NO, don't even think about it.
Jane – Do you love me?
John – Of course! Always have, always will.
Jane – Have you ever cheated on me?
John – NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane – Will you kiss me?
John – Every chance I get.
Jane – Will you ever hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?
Jane – Can I trust you?
John – Yes.
Jane – Darling!




After Marriage:
Read from the bottom back to the top.

 

[Neo]

BEFORE & AFTER MARRIAGE

Before Marriage:
John - At last, I can hardly wait!
Jane – Do you want me to leave?
John – NO, don't even think about it.
Jane – Do you love me?
John – Of course! Always have, always will.
Jane – Have you ever cheated on me?
John – NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane – Will you kiss me?
John – Every chance I get.
Jane – Will you ever hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?
Jane – Can I trust you?
John – Yes.
Jane – Darling!




After Marriage:
Read from the bottom back to the top.

Lol, the best joke on marriages ever!

 

[Muradk]

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the

service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how

consultants can make a difference to an organization.



Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that

the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It

seemed a little strange.



When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in

his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their

pockets.



When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"



"Well", he explained, "the restaurant' s owners hired Andersen Consulting

to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they

concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I ' ll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen,
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter ' s fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to
the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don ' t know about the others, but I use the
spoon.".

 

[Muradk]

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

 

[ejaz007]

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate manager.

Your manager is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.