Joke

[ejaz007]

The Colonel's Order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

 

[x_man]

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.


The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

 

[optimist]

Behave lol we have some girls here. Ehteram kero bhai mera! :scared:

thankyou bhai

 

[Muradk]

Worlds Greatest
Leave Applications (Made in INDIA )
​

·
Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave
as follows:


"Since I have to go
to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me
one-week leave."







·

This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who
was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:


"as I want to
shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."







·
Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an
employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my
daughter, please grant a week's leave.."







·
From H.A.L.
Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has
expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days
leave."







·
Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows:
"Since I've to go to the
cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please
grant me half day casual leave"







·
An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from
fever, please declare one-day holiday."







·
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in
this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me
today"







·
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my
headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."







·
Covering note:
"I am enclosed
herewith..."







·
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with
reference to the above, please refer to my below..."







·
Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is
suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I
may be granted leave".







·
Letter writing:-


"I am well here and hope
you are also in the same well."







·
A candidate's job application:
"This
has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and
an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past
several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am
applying for the post.

 

[Xeric]

With advance apology to our Hindu friends

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.
This is a true essay written by a candidate at the recent Union Public Service Commission (UPSC), Indian Administrative Service (IAS) Examinations.
The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And
because he is female, he give milks, but will do so when he is got child.
He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got
four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body
can be utilized for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached
to his basement. Horses don't have any such attachment what can it do?
Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermen and mankind generally. His motion is
slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. [gober] is
much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes [like Pizza],
in hand, and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his
feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chews with his teeth whom are
situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in
the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, especially
so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes
the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly
proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in
the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end
of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on
his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it. The palms of his feet are
soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have
poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are
like his other relatives. This is the cow.......

We are informed that the candidate passed the exam. and is now an IAS, is
somewhere in Bihar.

 

[indiapakistanfriendship]

With advance apology to our Hindu friends

Guess what einstein he could be a Muslim too , quit your racist bigoitry towards us.

This is a true essay written by a candidate at the recent Union Public Service Commission (UPSC), Indian Administrative Service (IAS) Examinations.
The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

What is this fifth grade annual exam? They dont ask such dumb questions in IAS, in that case everyone in India must be an IAS.

We are informed that the candidate passed the exam. and is now an IAS, is
somewhere in Bihar.

And we were informed that 36 % of NASA were Indians( fart rumour) , so take these internet jokes with a pinch of salt. No one can get access to IAS answer sheets, so no need to have hardon by twisting with such statements.

 

[Xeric]

Guess what einstein he could be a Muslim too , quit your racist bigoitry towards us.

id... i believe that hindus worship cows...so that was my point..well now i can guess how indian are managing to reach NASA...
and ofcourse these are internet jokes...so then what....

 

[xea]

i'll drop her down..lolzzzzz

 

[cactuslily58]

With advance apology to our Hindu friends

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.
This is a true essay written by a candidate at the recent Union Public Service Commission (UPSC), Indian Administrative Service (IAS) Examinations.
The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And
because he is female, he give milks, but will do so when he is got child.
He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got
four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body
can be utilized for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached
to his basement. Horses don't have any such attachment what can it do?
Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermen and mankind generally. His motion is
slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. [gober] is
much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes [like Pizza],
in hand, and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his
feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chews with his teeth whom are
situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in
the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, especially
so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes
the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly
proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in
the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end
of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on
his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it. The palms of his feet are
soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have
poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are
like his other relatives. This is the cow.......

We are informed that the candidate passed the exam. and is now an IAS, is
somewhere in Bihar.

This juvenile joke was among the PJ's children cracked in school.. saw it years ago.

I can see another juvenile putting it on the net....

Growing old is mandatory & comes naturally. Growing up as I can see doesn't.

 

[Xeric]

I can see another juvenile putting it on the net....

Thnx for the compliment....Miss..!

 

[nitesh]

old but good one

General Motors REPLY TO BILL GATES:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
Stating:
"If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, esp
7th point and 10'th point):


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would !
run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. (Read
CTR-ALT-DEL)

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. "

SMILE!!!!

 

[nitesh]

~~~~~~


Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

~~~~~~


A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."


~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter ?


~~~~~~~~~


Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

~~~~~~~~



Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.


~~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.


~~~~~~~~~~


Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.


~~~~~~~~~~


1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .

~~~~~~~~~~


Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.


~~~~~~~~~


Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?


~~~~~~~


Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

~~~~~~~~~~


An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
' How long has what been going on?' said the man.


~~~~~~~~~~


Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

~~~~~~~~~~

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.


~~~~~~~~~~


Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.


~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Goodperson]

goodone nitesh

 

[nitesh]

wrong post

 

[cactuslily58]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side
of the field and civilian aircraft use the other
side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, 'What time is it?'

The tower responded, 'Who is calling?'

The aircraft replied, 'What difference does it
make?'

The tower replied, 'It makes a lot of
difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3
o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500
hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If
it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12
and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine
Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to 'Happy Hour.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

During training exercises, the lieutenant who
was driving down a muddy back road encountered
another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 'Nope,'
replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys. 'Yours is.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Having just moved into his new office, a
pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an
airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
'Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and
I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank
you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he
had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, 'What do you want?'

'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied,
'I'm just here to hook up your telephone.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Officer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a
dollar?'
Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'
Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!'
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'No, SIR!'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot
at your party?
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and
fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


Q: What's the difference between a fighter
pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane
shuts down.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a
General were sitting in the barbershop. They were
both just getting finished with their shaves, when
the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on
their faces.

The General shouted, 'Hey, don't put that
stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a
whore-house! '

The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go
ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the
inside of a whore-house smells like.'
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy Chief to
the bewildered Seaman, 'I suppose after you get
discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for
me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.'

'Not me, Chief!' the Seaman replied. 'Once I
get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in
line again!'