Joke

[Dubious]

Always found this guy hilarious!

 

[Dubious]

 

[Dubious]

 

[Sugarcane]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."










"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

"Do you want a bed near the window" ?

 

[Sugarcane]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.

He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires.

Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

So, just remember: it's our secret.

 

[Dem!god]

On the New Year eve I was sitting with my wife on the deck, enjoying a glass of wine.

I said, "I love you so much, I could not live without you."

My wife said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the wine."

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Ek aurat apne bachche ko liye ro rahi thi.

Ek vakil ne rone ki wajah puchi, toh us aurat ne kaha ki mera beta bimaar hai or dawa ke liye paise nahin hain.

vakil ne us aurat ko 1000 ka note dia aur kaha ki jao dawa le lo, Rs 100 ka doodh bhi le lena, baaki paise mujhe wapis de dena.

Aurat thodi der baad dawa aur dudh le aayi aur baaki Rs 650 vakil ko wapas kar diye.

vakil khush hua aur sochne laga ke Neki kabhi zaya nahi jati, Doctor ko fees mil gayi, bachche ko dawa mil gai aur......mera nakli note bhi chal gaya !!!

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An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out...

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Walmart with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out...!!!

He shouts at the Indian, "What the hell...!!! This is shit, you Idiot...!!!???"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper...???"

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Pappu: Papa circus dekhney chaley???

Santa: No!!! I am busy.

Pappu: Us mein ek ladki ne bina kapdon ke sher pe sawari ki hai.

Santa: Bahut ziddi ho gaye ho.... har baat zidd karke manvate he lete ho.... Chalo chalta hun tumhaare liye. Vaise bhi bahut din huey sher nahin dekha....!!!!!

Santa ne sabse aage waali row ki seats ki ticket le li... Lion show aaya, 3-4 lions aaye, ladkiyaan bhi aayi but jis ladki ka Santa kointezaar tha vo nahin aayi. Phir Lion show khatam ho gaya aur kuch time ke baad Circus bhi khatam ho gayi...

Santa: Oye Pappu, tumne toh kaha tha ki ek ladki bina kapdon ke aayegi?

Pappu: Bina kapdo ke toh sher tha, ladki nahi... Papa maine jo kaha vo dobara padho!!!

@chak de INDIA @levina @BDforever @FaujHistorian

 

[MohitV]

*****************************************************
One day someone will enter your life and you won't be able to live without her/him. That 'someone' would, alone, mean the world to you.

We call that 'someone' a drug dealer.
*****************************************************
And I asked her, "What are you wearing baby?"
and that, kids, is how I got blocked by your could-be mother.

 

[Dem!god]

Ek husband ne apni wife ko ek SMS bheja:

Thanks for making my life wonderful and being a part of my life. What ever I am is only because of you. You are my angel thanks for coming in my life and making it worth living. You're Great.

Uski wife ne reply bheja: Pee li hai na ? Ab chup chap ghar aa jao...
DARO MAT... KUCHH NAHI BOLUNGI..!!!

Husband: Thank you!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

[Kloitra]

Subject: Smart people


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBCMIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France
Trelinski:France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
Pensioners: Last Of The ..?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIOMANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
Famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER ... ER
... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIOBRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
That, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIONEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
Sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
Character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.


Opposites

" you and your wife have nothing in commom, " I lectured colin. " why on earth did you get married ?"

" It was the old business of `opposites attract`," sighed my mate. " she was pregnant, I wasn`t."

 

[Kloitra]

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYERS REPORT!!!!!!

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......



Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

 

[Dem!god]

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?

Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
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Pehle main bahut dukhi rehta tha. Hamesha rota rehta tha. Mujhse kaam nahin ho pata tha. Gharwalon ke taane sun ke ro diya karta tha. Phir maine is naye product ke baare mein suna, jiska naam tha !!!...WIFE...!!!

Ye 'Wife' vakai lajwaab hai.

Ab mein apni puri neend 2-3 ghante mein hi puri kar leta hun.

Duniya bhar ke taane aur gaaliyaan hass hass ke sun leta hun.

Kitni bhi musibat aaye khush rehta hun.

Dukh-Sukh ki tensions se upar uth gaya hun.

Swarg-Narak, sab yahin hain, ab ye bhi samaj aa gaya hai.

Ab toh dushmanon se pyaar ho gaya hai.

Sach mein, ye 'WIFE ' vakai asardaar hai. Always keep your wife's picture as mobile screensaver. Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say. If I can handle this, I can handle anything!
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Banta ki shaadi ke 3 mahine baad hi beta ho gaya.

Banta: Ye hamara bachcha 3 mahine baad kaise ho gaya? Aur logon ka toh 9 mahine baad hota hai?

Biwi: Aaap bhi na.., Ye batao aapki shaadi ko kitna time hua hai?

Banta: 3 Mahine.

Biwi: Aur meri shaadi ko?

Banta: 3 Mahine.

Biwi: Aur hamara bachcha kitne time baad hua?

Banta: 3 Mahine baad.

Biwi: Total kitne months ho gaye?

Banta Khushi Se: Oh... shit yaar, SAMAY ka pata hi nahi chala... Sorry Janu maine tum par shaq kiya.

Biwi: Please, aisa mat bolo ji, Rulaoge Kya...?
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Santa calls up the doc at 2 AM. "Doc, my wife is having severe abdomen pain. I think it's her appendix."

"What nonsense!" says the doc sleepily.

"I took out your wife's appendix two years ago. Go back to sleep."

Five minutes later, the phone rings and it's Santa again.

"Doc, I'm sure it's her appendix."

"Oh God!" the doctor groaned.

"Did you ever hear of anyone having a second appendix?"

"No...," says Santa. "But I'm sure you must have heard of someone having a second wife..!!!!"
@chak de INDIA @levina @BDforever

 

[Levina]

@Dem!god
1st and 2nd jokes were too good

 

[Indischer]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."










"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

"Do you want a bed near the window" ?

Had a hearty laugh.....and looks like I need a bed there.

 

[Levina]

Had a hearty laugh.....and looks like I need a bed there.

heard ya...

 

[Indischer]

heard ya...

Were you in any doubt before?