Zarvan
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Better Husband and Wife Relationship
“O’You who believe! Fulfill (your) obligations. …” (Al-Quraan 5:1)
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard. As to those women on whose part you see ill conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great. “(Surah Nisaa 34)
“Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has Faith, verily, to him will We give a new Life, a life that is good and pure, and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.” (Surah Nahl 97)
1) Negative Relationship of Husband & Wife.
Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family.
2) Marriage In The Eyes of Allah.
It is very sad that this relationship which Allah has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.
Allah described marriage very differently in the Quran: “He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts).” (Al-Quran 30:21)
3) Do not be a Tyrant.
Whether or not Islam has made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be dictators and tyrants. Muslim men are taught to treat their wives well.
The Prophet (SAW) said: “The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives” (From Mishkaat)
4) Be Partners in the Decision Making Process.
Follow the principle of ‘Shura,” and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some part in making them.
5) Never be Emotionally…
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (Qur’an 30:21)
Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAW) never mistreated his wives.
The Prophet (SAW) said: “How could they beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night? (Al-Bukhari)
6) Be Careful of Your Words.
Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.
7) Show Affection.
Ayesha (RA) says: “Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said, “Be calm, O ‘Ayesha! Allah loves that; one should be kind and lenient in all matters.” (Al-Bukhari)
Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.
8) Be Your Spouse’s Friend
Too often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each other’s lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same project.
9) Show Appreciation.
Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family.
The Prophet (SAW) said: “On the Day of Judgment, Allah will not look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband.” (Al-Hakim)
Show your wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don’t take it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel unappreciated.
10) Work Together in the House.
Ayesha (RA), when she was asked about what the Messenger of Allah (SAW) used to do in his house, she said: “He was like any other human being: he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe and serve himself.”
The Prophet (SAW) is known to have helped his wives in the house. And if the Prophet (SAWS) was not above doing housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn’t feel that they are.
11) Communication is Important.
The big word used in counseling “Communication”. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs.
12) Forget Past Problems.
Don’t bring up past problems once they have been solved.
13) Live Simply.
Develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah for the many blessings in your life.
14) Give Your Spouse Time Alone.
People need to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax. Don’t make them feel that they are committing a sin.
15) Admit Your Mistakes.
When you make a mistake, admit it. It truly does not make you small in the others eyes or heart. When your spouse makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.
16) Have Meals Together.
Eat together as a family. Show the cook, whether it is the husband (yes men can cook) or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The Prophet (SAW) did not complain about food that was put before him.
17) Mindful of Your discussion Topics.
Never discuss with others things about your marriage that your spouse wouldn’t like you to discuss, unless there is an Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their spouse’s physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster. Information about your intimate relations should be kept between you and your spouse.
Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times, when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.
Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated.
“O’You who believe! Fulfill (your) obligations. …” (Al-Quraan 5:1)
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard. As to those women on whose part you see ill conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great. “(Surah Nisaa 34)
“Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has Faith, verily, to him will We give a new Life, a life that is good and pure, and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.” (Surah Nahl 97)
1) Negative Relationship of Husband & Wife.
Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family.
2) Marriage In The Eyes of Allah.
It is very sad that this relationship which Allah has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.
Allah described marriage very differently in the Quran: “He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts).” (Al-Quran 30:21)
3) Do not be a Tyrant.
Whether or not Islam has made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be dictators and tyrants. Muslim men are taught to treat their wives well.
The Prophet (SAW) said: “The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives” (From Mishkaat)
4) Be Partners in the Decision Making Process.
Follow the principle of ‘Shura,” and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some part in making them.
5) Never be Emotionally…
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (Qur’an 30:21)
Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAW) never mistreated his wives.
The Prophet (SAW) said: “How could they beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night? (Al-Bukhari)
6) Be Careful of Your Words.
Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.
7) Show Affection.
Ayesha (RA) says: “Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said, “Be calm, O ‘Ayesha! Allah loves that; one should be kind and lenient in all matters.” (Al-Bukhari)
Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.
8) Be Your Spouse’s Friend
Too often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each other’s lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same project.
9) Show Appreciation.
Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family.
The Prophet (SAW) said: “On the Day of Judgment, Allah will not look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband.” (Al-Hakim)
Show your wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don’t take it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel unappreciated.
10) Work Together in the House.
Ayesha (RA), when she was asked about what the Messenger of Allah (SAW) used to do in his house, she said: “He was like any other human being: he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe and serve himself.”
The Prophet (SAW) is known to have helped his wives in the house. And if the Prophet (SAWS) was not above doing housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn’t feel that they are.
11) Communication is Important.
The big word used in counseling “Communication”. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs.
12) Forget Past Problems.
Don’t bring up past problems once they have been solved.
13) Live Simply.
Develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah for the many blessings in your life.
14) Give Your Spouse Time Alone.
People need to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax. Don’t make them feel that they are committing a sin.
15) Admit Your Mistakes.
When you make a mistake, admit it. It truly does not make you small in the others eyes or heart. When your spouse makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.
16) Have Meals Together.
Eat together as a family. Show the cook, whether it is the husband (yes men can cook) or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The Prophet (SAW) did not complain about food that was put before him.
17) Mindful of Your discussion Topics.
Never discuss with others things about your marriage that your spouse wouldn’t like you to discuss, unless there is an Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their spouse’s physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster. Information about your intimate relations should be kept between you and your spouse.
Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times, when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.
Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated.
