Shared legacies... Some male views on dowry

[SamantK]

abolish the custom it will change the society.

Somehow I feel the society should change and abolishing a custom is just the easy way out..

 

[RazPaK]

once a goodwill custom has now become the ill of the society for girls and her parents.

It depends how one looks at it.

My cousin finally married the woman of his choice. Her family asked that they put some of his land on her name as this was their custom.

To us this sounded ridiculous, but my cousin didn't mind. My cousin's wife's father recently had a heart attack and my cousin paid all the expenses. He told me her father said to him he was ashamed of making such a request because my cousin takes care of his family anyway, but that was their custom.

 

[Wickerman]

I don't buy into the bollywood/hollywood type of romance. I'm fine with getting stuck with someone and learning to love them for what they are. I believe that is what true love is.

There is nothing bollywood/hollywood/true love angle to this. I am just saying people should get to choose their partners. But that's my view and my lifestyle. But whatever floats your boat.

In my view they are parting with their daughter which has no price, but to give them something is a sign of goodwill.

It's like saying thank you for giving me this rose.

Wait what? I thought dowry is when the girl's family gives to the guy?

And equally wickerman equating liberal society with love marriage

By using the word liberal, I meant to say - open minded. Your father was more open minded, but sadly this isnt the case with many, infact most atleast in India.

In my community, there is not mention of dowry in arranged marriage..

And there is no data out these which suggests that in a love marriage dowry in some form or the other is not expected/asked or taken.

Valid point. But I believe most dowries happen in arranged marriages. When it comes to this we only end up generalizing But thats why I propose societal change. Which is possible only through cultural change. Thats why I said "liberal culture".

 

[ajtr]

Somehow I feel the society should change and abolishing a custom is just the easy way out..

Didnt society change when sati was abolished by british through law and strict use of punishment.Danda sure woeks to straighten up the people.

 

[miss]

abolish the custom it will change the society.

its already abolished by govt.
at society level this has to come from within, you cant abolish it. ( i am talking about india here)

 

[ajtr]

It depends how one looks at it.

My cousin finally married the woman of his choice. Her family asked that they put some of his land on her name as this was their custom.

To us this sounded ridiculous, but my cousin didn't mind. My cousin's wife's father recently had a heart attack and my cousin paid all the expenses. He told me her father said to him he was ashamed of making such a request because my cousin takes care of his family anyway, but that was their custom.

I look at it as for obscene display of custom by the elites which then the poors of the society try to copy and hence its those low income groups who suffers from these types of customs.

 

[RazPaK]

Wait what? I thought dowry is when the girl's family gives to the guy?

Yeah that is the case in India, but according to Islam that is how it should be done.

Some people in Pakistan also do it the way Indians do.

In my family we never take dowry from the girl's family. That is just dishonorable.

 

[Sashan]

Didnt society change when sati was abolished by british through law and strict use of punishment.Danda sure woeks to straighten up the people.

Danda will not work in this case unless there is awareness - awareness not just on the bridegroom's side but also on the bride's side - What better Danda is needed than 498a clause? Unfortunately 498a is used only by unscrupulous ones - It goes for both brides and bridegrooms.

 

[ajtr]

its already abolished by govt.
at society level this has to come from within, you cant abolish it. ( i am talking about india here)

Where is the implementation on ground? Unles it remains on official papers of GoI its of no use.

 

[SamantK]

There is nothing bollywood/hollywood/true love angle to this. I am just saying people should get to choose their partners. But that's my view and my lifestyle. But whatever floats your boat.

It is a personal choice and then its not like you find girls you like all the time, some work out, some don't, sometimes you just don't meet the right one..

Valid point. But I believe most dowries happen in arranged marriages. When it comes to this we only end up generalizing But thats why I propose societal change. Which is possible only through cultural change. Thats why I said "liberal culture".

You have a point but I can tell you its mostly related to cast, in some cast you have back breaking dowries demanded by the groom's family and in some casts it is equal to nil.. However the society has to change and it will change only when people change.. Liberal culture is the way to go..

Education helps too..

 

[Wickerman]

Yeah that is the case in India, but according to Islam that is how it should be done.

Some people in Pakistan also do it the way Indians do.

In my family we never take dowry from the girl's family. That is just dishonorable.

Aha. Didnt know that fact. Thanks!

Where is the implementation on ground? Unles it remains on official papers of GoI its of no use.

The affected person has to sue. But you dont wanna start a marriage with a court case now do you? That is why cultural and societal change is necessary.

 

[SamantK]

Didnt society change when sati was abolished by british through law and strict use of punishment.Danda sure woeks to straighten up the people.

There are strict laws against dowry too, every parent wishes to marry their daughter peacefully and they prepare for it from the time a girl is born.. Not many trod the least take path..

The present laws if followed by common people are enough, people tend to become very hostile when you want a intrusive law..

 

[miss]

Didnt society change when sati was abolished by british through law and strict use of punishment.Danda sure woeks to straighten up the people.

Sati happened in a very small section of society in crrent day rajasthan/MP/Pakistan areas and not among all castes. much more manegable becuase its much more visible.
Dowry is a bit more tricky thatn that. The wome should be strong enough to expose such people.

 

[RazPaK]

It is a personal choice and then its not like you find girls you like all the time, some work out, some don't, sometimes you just don't meet the right one..

These love marriages don't sound fun. It's like all the love runs out before you even get married. Two years down the line you are sick of each other.

But there is the charm of not knowing about the other person in an arranged marriage. The new surprises and things. Getting to know the other's likes/dislikes. The time you both start to love each other.

Well, that's just my thought.

Maybe I am just traditional.

 

[ajtr]

Danda will not work in this case unless there is awareness - awareness not just on the bridegroom's side but also on the bride's side - What better Danda is needed than 498a clause? Unfortunately 498a is used by unscrupulous ones - It goes for both brides and bridegrooms.

498A is itself confusing its even make even an infant a accused in the case.There got to be checks and balances to minimize the misuse of it.