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Operation Dark Target ( Spy Story ) By Darth Vader

em always happy with someone pointing out something which i havent done properly so i can do it properly
Don't be modest ... what you wrote was important not how you wrote it. It described how you want things to be done.
yara I appreciated his effort...that is why I took the time to correct some grammar mistakes....hum to isko Tolkein banana chah te hain.
I know you meant nothing but only good ....
 
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There are pretty many grammatical and spelling errors here, otherwise the piece is really good. I suppose this isn't intended to be an academic writing or anything, right? Because if it's just for fun, then most of the errors are acceptable. Still, i'll point out some of them.

Should be 'There were no signs....''

Will be better this way: ''There were rows of houses around him and no signs of life on the street..'', or, even better ''There were no signs of life on the street; surrounded by rows of houses''

It'll sound a lot better if you replace it with ''So he doesn't make any noise and attract the dogs yawning....''


''...something - suddenly, he turned and...'' (needs a break between the two sentences)

''..small house with an iron door..''
''..out. He knocked... no one was there..''


Needs some quotation marks and full stops etc, like this:
''What are you doing here Rizwan?'', ''Have you seen what time it is.... etc'', Amjad uttered
''Sir, It's important - finally, we got him'', Amjad said....
And so on.



Should be ''Loved ones''

I know, I'm a View attachment 179992

Otherwise the rest is good, but it's starting to seem way too straightforward for an Intelligence/Espionage story, maybe you should move some of the extra info (like the Afghan Intelligence bit) to a future paragraph, as in another officer reveals this later on.

Anyways, :tup:, keep writing, it's good.
View attachment 179993

Good suggestion The thing is I Suck at Grammar not only in english but in every language should have been a scientist =)) i changed few things too in story according your everyone's advise this was just 1st page i will try to complete whole chapter on this and will paste if for you guys

had it been up to me i would have chopped off all of their limbs and punctured their ear drums so they couldn't even hear their own cries.
Shahzade I will Put many wonders for this B...... just wait =)) and leme write some more i will try Baki jo kismat
 
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Use more formal language. If you do want to use expletives and slang then use it as direct speech (in quotation marks). Make effective use of direct and indirect speech. Take your time to develop the narrative.
Keep practicing, keep reading and most importantly don't give up.
I took the liberty of grammar checking your first paragraph. I hope you don't mind. :)

The night was cold and misty. At twenty past one a shadow was walking on the street, although there were plenty of houses around him, there was no signs of life on the street. The shadow was walking carefully, watching every step he was taking, so that he didn't make any noise so as not to attract the attention of the dogs yawing??? on the street. He was searching for something, suddenly he turned and came back to a small house, like he forgot something there. It was a small house with an iron door keeping the outside out. He knocked three times on the door after making sure no one was there watching him.

"Amjad" he whispered at door whilst knocking. A hand came out of the door and snatched him inside, dragging him over the bike standing right beside the door. If he hadn't been careful he would have fallen on the bike. But he stopped his feet moments before they hit the bike.

"What are you doing here Rizwan ?". "Have you seen what time it is ?". "It must be important, for you to have woken me at this hour".

"Sir it’s important, we got him finally". "We got him ?". Amjad was in shock, he couldn’t believe what his ears had just heard. "Are you sure we got him ?". "Yes sir", Rizwan replied, "we got him".
Heh, didn't see your post before I started writing my own. I agree he should use more formal language but It might be difficult if English isn't his first language and since this is supposed to be a fun writing, many of those mistakes are excusable.

@Darth Vader learn as you write. This paragraph, for example, is excellent
Bgr Tariq Had been spent of most of his life in the army , and been in the spy game for very long time so he know how to deal with these scum bags. He was famous for his swift action and showed no mercy to his enemies. He conducted many successful operations and every mission was a success. Whenever he got some his hands on some talibani scum bag he made sure they won’t be able to attack any other soul again, his methods were questionable but his results were off the charts.
Started off like some night escapades I had with my girl ... but then sawad ki maa bhen ek kar di !!!
Anyway good effort .. I wish it turns out to be true in real life ... those who are behind peshwar massacre deserve death nothing else.
Lets not turn this into a discussion about such serious real life issues, besides, this kind of writing may be inspiring or at the very least assuaging. We all hope it turns out to be true.

Good suggestion The thing is I Suck at Grammar not only in english but in every language should have been a scientist =)) i changed few things too in story according your everyone's advise this was just 1st page i will try to complete whole chapter on this and will paste if for you guys


Shahzade I will Put many wonders for this B...... just wait =)) and leme write some more i will try Baki jo kismat
Don't worry, it's the internet, bro not the Oxford university - learn as you go, improve with suggestions and keep it light. Best way to learn is when you actually like it.
 
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Heh, didn't see your post before I started writing my own. I agree he should use more formal language but It might be difficult if English isn't his first language and since this is supposed to be a fun writing, many of those mistakes are excusable.

@Darth Vader learn as you write. This paragraph, for example, is excellent


Lets not turn this into a discussion about such serious real life issues, besides, this kind of writing may be inspiring or at the very least assuaging. We all hope it turns out to be true.


Don't worry, it's the internet bro not the Oxford university - learn as you go, improve with suggestions and keep it light. Best way to learn is when you actually like it.
true that's why I also said it .. I hope it turns out to be true.
 
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@Selous @TankMan @Norwegian @ranjeet @Pakistani shaheens @Norwegian @Pakistani Exile i updated it as u guys asked it and tried to remove my mistakes what i did in past Please read it and again cz even i changed the beginning a little too
Plenty of improvements, :tup:. The first para still has some problems though, It's good but the problem is that the last few paragraphs are way, way better, so for the sake of consistency I'd say improve the first one even further.

It was a cold misty night. 1:20 am in the night, a shadow was walking on the street, there were rows of houses around him, Street didn’t show any sign of Life in it, shadow was walking carefully watching every step he was taking so he doesn’t make any noise that could attract the dogs yawning far away from him. He was searching for something -- suddenly he turned and came back to a small house, like he forgot something, it was a small house with iron door in dark brown color, he knocked 3 times on the door but before knocking he made sure no one was their watching him.

EDITED VERSION (by me):
It was a cold misty night. 1:20 am in the night, a shadow was walking on the street, there were rows of houses around him. The street didn't show any signs of Life. Shadow was walking carefully, watching every step he took, to avoid making any noise that could attract the dogs yawning far away from him. He was searching for something -- suddenly he turned and came back to a small house, like he forgot something. It was a small house with a dark brown coloured, iron door. He knocked thrice on the door but before knocking he made sure no one was their there watching him.

Can't find much flaws with the rest of it, it's excellent - keep it up bro, we need more of this type of literature.

''Khalid.. o Bhai khalid where you heading'' . ''Can You get me Some fruits ?'' Mubashir shouted from the top floor of building . They were in the 6th flat.

Khalid Looked up from stairs saw Mubashir screaming, he raised his hand showing middle finger and walked out of the 5 storey Building.
Liked the character personalities, adds a good angle and is realistic too - you can use that in the future, where they become a bit more mature through experience as the story progresses. Or, you could use it as a humorous element. Either way, it'll be good, your choice whether you want to keep the story serious or a little humorous.
 
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Hey guys need your suggestion wrote down a small piece . Should i keep writing or should i throw it in garbage.'


Operation Dark target




Chapter 1

It was a cold misty night. 1:20 am in the night, a shadow was walking on the street, there were rows of houses around him. the street didn't show any signs of life. Shadow was walking carefully, watching every step he took , to avoide any noise that could attract the dogs yawning far away from him. He was searching for something -- suddenly he turned and came back to a small house, like he forgot something. it was a small house with a dark brown colored, iron door. He knocked thrice on the door but before knocking he made sure no one was there watching him.

Amjad he whispered at door while knocking, a hand came out of the door and grabbed his arm and dragged him inside he would have fallen on that bike standing right beside the door if he wasn’t careful.

What are you doing here Rizwan, have you seen what time is it, it better be something important ? Amjad Asked Rizwan.

Sir It’s important, finally we got him.

We got Him ?

Amjad was in shock he couldn’t believe what his ears just heard, we got him are you sure.

Yes sir Rizwan replied we got him.

Months of hard work finally paid off ISI finally had him. The most wanted Terrorist of Pakistan, hundreds of families lost their loved ones because of this one person. He was behind many bombings, attacks on army, the recent massacre happened in Army School in Peshawar, it all was because of this one person the head of snake. Army was behind him for years tracking every movement he was making He was known by many names and Mullah Radio was one of them. ISI had to work very hard to get his location. Now the real test was about to start getting location of target was one thing but taking him out alive from the bees nest was another. Peshawar incident shock Pakistan and caught Government by surprise.


We need to alert higher command we don’t get that lucky in our kind of business every day. Are you ready Caption?

Sir Yes Sir Rizwan replied

Let me inform Bgr. Tariq.

Bgr Tariq Had spent of most of his life in army, been in spy game for very long time so he know how to deal with them. He was famous for his swift action and showed no mercy to his enemies. He conducted many successful operations and every mission was a success. Whenever he got some his hands on some Taliban he made sure they won’t be able to hurt any other soul again, his methods were questionable but his results were off the charts.


10 January 2015 Pakistan army G.h.Q Rawalpindi, an important meeting was been going on for several hours in room with round table which was occupied by 4 top high rankings officers of Pakistan army so they can chose the best course of action.

Major Ali started the briefing

Gentleman “our sources had informed us that Dark target will be traveling to Pakistan next Week to see the Taliban Initiation ceremony, where 100 new jihadi fanatics will be Joining Threak e Taliban Pakistan (T.T.P).”

And “Make sure we catch this bastard”.

Suddenly the room went into silent mood there was pin drop silence in room no one was talking and suddenly this silence was broken by Brigadier Tariq.

He stood up from his Chair and in firm voice he started to talk.

Gentleman “I have some disturbing news from other side of border, one of our operative just informed us, Dark target is under the protection of Afghan intelligence, that’s why all the past attempts to capture or eliminate him was unsuccessful , and many of our operatives lost their lives. This Time it will be a Black Op, Afghan intelligence won’t be involved in this Op, ISI must eliminate this threat on it’s on and Capitan Khalid one of our best will be in command.”




Khalid.. o Bhai khalid where you heading . Can You get me Some fruits ? Mubashir shouted from the top floor of building . They were in the 6th flat.

Khalid Looked up from stairs saw Mubashir screaming, he raised his hand showing middle finger and walked out of the 5 storey Building.

Capitan Khalid a S.S.G commando was one of the best of his batch, He was trained by the best and spent few months in United States with Marines.

He was master of hand 2 hand combat, swimming champion, Sniper, and spending time with US Marines just improved his skills even more. He’s been in Kabul for few days finding Qasim a local commander in TTP and also provider of Intel to Pakistan intelligence. They were supposed to meet in a famous restaurant in Kabul bazar, But Qasim was no show that made Khalid worried because this wasn't some random info exchange this time the Info Qasim was bringing Directly involved Dark target. He was drinking tea in the restaurant when he felt his pocket was vibrating he Picked his phone up in a jiffy

Yes Khalid Speaking.

Qasim here Khalid “got some news for our friends and a special gift”

Khalid “Gift? “he sounded confused.

Yes My Friend Gift but this gift must be sent home ASAP. Qasim replied

Khalid Saying Good Bye to Qasim went straight to his apartment.



So whats you think about this thats the 1st time em writing something like this , and i know em not very good at this
@Horus @SUPARCO @WebMaster @Norwegian @Jf Thunder @genmirajborgza786 @Pakistani Exile @Pakistani shaheens @Masterkhan @DESERT FIGHTER @Desert Fox @Armstrong @Akheilos @Stealth @American Pakistani
@Green Arrow @GreenFalcon
i updated and completed Chapter 1 hope u guys like it now if something is wrong just mention it will try to improve
@ranjeet @Norwegian @Pakistani shaheens @Selous @TankMan @hinduguy
@Zarvan @FaujHistorian @fatman17 @ghoul @Devil Soul @orangzaib


Sounds pretty good so far!

Keep it coming :tup:

Although I expected a Star Wars novel because of the title :(
 
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sequel to this story will talk about pakistani BAT killing and beheading lots of Indian soldiers ...( If I have to believe the other thread). :p:
 
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