zer_0
FULL MEMBER
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- Sep 17, 2011
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JOKES!!!!!
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
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Pierre the famous French fighter pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
__________________________________________________________________________________
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
__________________________________________________________________________________
The story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
__________________________________________________________________________________
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
__________________________________________________________________________________
A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
__________________________________________________________________________________
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
_________________________________________________________________________________
A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the guy.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
__________________________________________________________________________________
Pierre the famous French fighter pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
__________________________________________________________________________________
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
__________________________________________________________________________________
The story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
__________________________________________________________________________________
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
__________________________________________________________________________________
A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
__________________________________________________________________________________
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
_________________________________________________________________________________
A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the guy.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"
