Joke

[BelligerentPacifist]

^Please don't jest over peoples' grief. Thanks.

 

[Stealth_fighter]

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

 

[Stealth_fighter]

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh ****!"

 

[Stealth_fighter]

 

[S.U.R.B.]

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

 

[S.U.R.B.]

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

 

[Fighter488]

Ek admi chupkay se jahanum se nikala aur jannat main
chala gaya. Frishtay ne pakar kar khob mara.
Maar khanay k baad admi utha, kapray jharray aur bola:
Tumhari in he harkaton ki wajha se koi jannat main nahi ata.

 

[salman77]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the fu***ng ship?"

 

[BelligerentPacifist]

@post938:
Jokes made about the realm of the impossible aren't funny at all. It's impossible for a person to escape Hell.

 

[Ganguly]

Guys last week went for a recruitment drive for my company. After having some chat asked the candidate what is his family background? He replied back " father did intercourse". I suppose he meant to say intermediate.

 

[NP-complete]

Two computer geeks, Prime and Shorty, were walking down the street. Prime was walking a bicycle.

Shorty looked at the bike and asked "Man, where did you get that cool bike?"

"Well," said Prime, "Yesterday, this really hot woman rode up to me on a bicycle. She dismounted the bike, took off all of her clothes, and said 'take what you want'."

"Good choice man," said Shorty, "women's clothing just isn't practical for us."

 

[Last Hope]

FOR MORE JOKES:
www.facebook.com/urdu.jokes

C'mon guys!
Worth it!
Billionsof clean humor!

 

[NP-complete]

OBL joke

To: All Al Qaeda Fighters

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halaal toaster).

Second: it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the *** out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing.
Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games.
Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey.
Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food.
Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.

Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen"
scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more.

 

[NP-complete]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"

 

[Mirza Jatt]

A GIRLS FACEBOOOK STATUS.." I am sad".

----170 comments

A BOY'S FACEBOOK STATUS.." going to commit suicide"

---- 4 likes and one comment.... 'what will happen to your bike dude'