In a weird sorta awful situation

[Wa Muhammada]

Hi,I tend to refrain from going into personal details about myself but anyways I feel I have no other option to use so I will kindly ask for mature or sensible members for advice on the situation I am kinda in.As you I am 2nd gen kid in the US with a Pakistani dad,and for those who experienced this know the cultural difficulties some of us face here you see me and my father have a good and loving relationship but in a complicated way,I feel like my views and my dads views don't align and this can get into very nasty fights and arguements just today I got into a nasty fight during Ramadan and I think both of us broke our fast I feel he thinks I been failure to him,and is very abusive I try to restrain my anger but I can't when I am getting abused by him all the time I know in Islamic and in Pakistani culture you have to obey your parents but I don't like his mentality and I am wrong to fight him as well I will go more in detail but I need some help rn

@OsmanAli98

Apologise for late reply but maybe it’s a good thing because I also have the same issues with my father sometimes and there are some beautiful comments here by a lot of people which I can learn from as well.

I’m British born...in my late 30’s. My father is in his early 60’s, very successful, extremely driven and a typical Pakistani father (short tempered and authoritative) whereas I take things slowly and have a completely different mindset to my father.

We argue at times and 50% of those Times its serious (shouting and he gets abusive lol). My father and brother have a better understanding because my brother is more business minded than me and I used to beat myself abt this but my mother & wife helped me to understand that it’s life and you have to try your best with your father and be more patient.

I could go on and on but in my opinion there are a few solutions and this is not only for you it’s for everyone in your situation.

(You didn’t tell us your age).


1 - you need to be earning...if it’s working in a dead end job like a grocery store with no progress or promotion, then either do an additional part time course and get a better job or get 2 jobs. Money makes the world go round my friend but you need a progressive job and this is what parents want to see - their children doing well and being self sufficient.

2 - try and attend masjid with your father whenever you are both free...that will get him out of the house, new friends for him and bring some peace to his mind.

3 - Save up and send him to Pakistan in the winters. 3-6 months in Pakistan in the winter months should do the trick. He can spend time with his family in Pakistan and have a change of scenery. It will bring a change in his behaviour. You both will appreciate each other more
ان شاء الله

When desi parents go past 50/55 they want to be able to relax, go Pakistan frequently and spend money because they have worked all their life building a better future for their children, so the children should repay them that way.

 

[OldenWisdom...قول بزرگ]

Hi,I tend to refrain from going into personal details about myself but anyways I feel I have no other option to use so I will kindly ask for mature or sensible members for advice on the situation I am kinda in.As you I am 2nd gen kid in the US with a Pakistani dad,and for those who experienced this know the cultural difficulties some of us face here you see me and my father have a good and loving relationship but in a complicated way,I feel like my views and my dads views don't align and this can get into very nasty fights and arguements just today I got into a nasty fight during Ramadan and I think both of us broke our fast I feel he thinks I been failure to him,and is very abusive I try to restrain my anger but I can't when I am getting abused by him all the time I know in Islamic and in Pakistani culture you have to obey your parents but I don't like his mentality and I am wrong to fight him as well I will go more in detail but I need some help rn

I think I can understand your predicament. The problem is not with you though, it is with your father's expectations. For you to understand his predicament you'll have to get into his shoes. For immigrants who leave their native lands they bring a lot of expectations and dreams with them... they are all rosy. Your father must have thought if he worked hard and provided for his family everything will fall into its place perfectly and on in its own. Little do the immigrants know that kids actually grow up in schools with their peers and that culture clash is very adamant and excruciating. Kids balance out home life and school life for a period and then dig into where they live mostly creating a facade of fake persona to appease their family. I have seen this first hand when immigrant Muslim girls would go and change in the lockers and remove headscarves which they wore at home to accommodate their families however due to relentless questioning and unwanted interest from by standers always questioning their faith and why they cover, they capitulate! Which obviously gives them wanted acceptance and makes them benign to those who would be curious of their circumstances/faith.
It is very difficult to please your father especially since he perhaps has in his mind failed himself in your upbringing. So, he blames himself in private and possibly in front of everyone. The only thing you can do is to create an understanding with him on his demands and do some introspection on what you can do to accommodate him and yourself. Especially, since you will find yourself in similar situation once you have kids...
Remember you don't choose your family they are attached to you whether you like it or not and it is in family one must yield.
Good luck!

 

[MastanKhan]

Hi,

I am telling you guys---check out your birth sign---are you a water---air---fire or earth sign----.

Then match it with your parents sign---.

If you want to get married to a girl or a boy---check their birth signs and you sign---water and fire and water and air signs never work---.

My mother is an air sign---I am a water sign---my god---did we have fights or did we---. The wind riles up the water---it churns and churns and creates cyclones---.

Also---both father and son---take a personality survey over here---costs you about $30 each---but will make you learn to talk to each other---.

You will find out who you are and what your father is---. It is worth the money---.
http://www.strengths.com/

 

[HAIDER]

Hi,I tend to refrain from going into personal details about myself but anyways I feel I have no other option to use so I will kindly ask for mature or sensible members for advice on the situation I am kinda in.As you I am 2nd gen kid in the US with a Pakistani dad,and for those who experienced this know the cultural difficulties some of us face here you see me and my father have a good and loving relationship but in a complicated way,I feel like my views and my dads views don't align and this can get into very nasty fights and arguements just today I got into a nasty fight during Ramadan and I think both of us broke our fast I feel he thinks I been failure to him,and is very abusive I try to restrain my anger but I can't when I am getting abused by him all the time I know in Islamic and in Pakistani culture you have to obey your parents but I don't like his mentality and I am wrong to fight him as well I will go more in detail but I need some help rn

well, it is complicated. it is clear your father is not understanding your perception of respect and reality. he is first generation immigrant and still living in his old school. I would recommend taking some classes in his old school for better get along . after all you are his son. and you are passing through the rebellious age phase.

Hi,

I am telling you guys---check out your birth sign---are you a water---air---fire or earth sign----.

Then match it with your parents sign---.

If you want to get married to a girl or a boy---check their birth signs and you sign---water and fire and water and air signs never work---.

My mother is an air sign---I am a water sign---my god---did we have fights or did we---. The wind riles up the water---it churns and churns and creates cyclones---.

Also---both father and son---take a personality survey over here---costs you about $30 each---but will make you learn to talk to each other---.

You will find out who you are and what your father is---. It is worth the money---.
http://www.strengths.com/

sir ji ... ya kia subject chaar diaa........... bacha parashan ho jai ga... pata laga abba bhi scorpion or bata bhi scorpion ... lolzzzz

 

[Pan-Islamic-Pakistan]

@OsmanAli98 Sorry for the late response brother.

As stated earlier, your father is not an anomaly, this is a rather common problem which Pakistani sons and fathers have with each other.

In the West, it becomes even more amplified as there are no bozorg to balance your father’s expectations, nor any support or fall backs for you as an immigrant’s child.

All the blame naturally will fall on you, but this is unfair and harsh.

Unless you turn your back on your faith, you are neither a failure nor worthy of contempt. You are a pioneer of Islam in a strange land. Have solace in this.

It is up to everyone to decide what they will do with their dunya life, try to become self-sufficient, but don’t grow disillusioned and bitter.

Allah swt will help you understand with time and make things easier for you.

It is difficult for your red hot Rajput blood, but try to stay silent in front of your dad.

 

[war&peace]

Hi,

It was between 13---18 years age---hormones screaming--that I had my fights with my father.

What a wonderful kind man he was---would go on night call visits to his patients any time of the night multiple times at night---without showing any attitude---knowing that most of the patients would not be able to pay his fees---.

But he was also very forgiving as well---why---because he knew---children are the future---.

My 17 years old has fights with me and I used to give him a piece of my mind---but now I don't---because he is as tall as I am and stronger---.

He says obnoxious things to me---but I laugh it off---when he gets mad and asks why I am laughing---I say it is the embarrassing laugh---I did the same thing to my father---I said the same thing to my father---. I am not going to be mad at you---because I don't want it to come back at you with your kids---.

I tell all my friends and family members---kids are the future---give them a better life---make them successful---give them right direction---.

Years ago---I would force my nephews and nieces and my daughter to chose professional careers---.

I told them---study something that when looking for a job---there is a demand for it---screw the attitude ' i don't like it---don't like pays bills---like does not pay bills most of the---'.

Guide them for success---show them the direction---do this this and this---and then them go forward---. Many of them did not like me initially---but when couple of them fell on hard times---and they changed direction---suddenly they realized that I was right---.

It is not what you say----IT IS HOW YOU SAY IT---.

Maybe---you dad does not know how to talk to you---.

One last thing---what is your birth sign and what is your father's birth sign---.

Air & water don't mix---air and fire signs don't mix---.

Sir may I ask a personal question? you are free to choose whether you want to reply. Is your wife a Pakistani-origin woman?

 

[HAIDER]

Sir may ask a personal question? you are free to choose to whether you want to reply. Is your wife a Pakistani-origin woman?

lol

 

[war&peace]

lol

Pakistani mothers are very loving and sacrificing but they are very strict as well. My mom was a lot more strict than my father in my childhood but later she become soft while my father grew a bit strict on us - the boys while still very friendly with girls

 

[ali_raza]

strictly speaking its pakistani bs culture where unnecessarily complicated things are expected from u.
ur fashion is discussed
ur relationships are crucified
exaggerating is another thing
i mean its all messss

 

[MastanKhan]

Sir may I ask a personal question? you are free to choose to whether you want to reply. Is your wife a Pakistani-origin woman?

Hi,

My wife is mexican---.

Hi,

Father's---when they come across a young ar-sehole---aka their son---forget to think that the boy is a replica of him and his wife---.

 

[Foxtrot Delta]

Hi,I tend to refrain from going into personal details about myself but anyways I feel I have no other option to use so I will kindly ask for mature or sensible members for advice on the situation I am kinda in.As you I am 2nd gen kid in the US with a Pakistani dad,and for those who experienced this know the cultural difficulties some of us face here you see me and my father have a good and loving relationship but in a complicated way,I feel like my views and my dads views don't align and this can get into very nasty fights and arguements just today I got into a nasty fight during Ramadan and I think both of us broke our fast I feel he thinks I been failure to him,and is very abusive I try to restrain my anger but I can't when I am getting abused by him all the time I know in Islamic and in Pakistani culture you have to obey your parents but I don't like his mentality and I am wrong to fight him as well I will go more in detail but I need some help rn

Listen dude its okay to disagree with ur parents. We all have difference of opinion. Listen to him amd reply as polite as u can he is an elder and a parent even if he is wrong which most parents are these days just give him an pression that you heard all what he had to say.

Do what you feel is right but dont appear to him as if u are disrespectful. Most parents are wrong these days they are old and have old points of view they look at our world differently. Not all are wrong but i can tell u from my experience they only know what they have experienced nothing else. Take what u can from their advise but do what u love to. Its ur life you have a God given right to live it as u want even The Almighty Allah Creator of universe doesn't command u to live ur life as He wishes he gave u freedom, to choose and live ur life as u please he will judge u later on after this life but u are a free man.
All we are comanded by Mohammad and other messengers peace be upon them is a message by Allah, be polite and gentle to ur parents.
Listen from an ear and let it out from the other if u don't like what you hear. Just don't be arrogant or disrespectful even though u might be right just chill. You will understand this when u have children of ur own and when they do what u used to do....
Our parents were raised by different kinds of parents in different time, just as they were not compatible in time so aren't we. U are not a failure until u urself accept urself as a failure. You have a long life ahead u can catchup and even beat others at life and success . funny thing about life is u never know whats next no plans or oragnization strategy works. Life has a mind of its own. Don't give up and keep struggling for what u believe in. Don't try to make ur parents proud work on ur own life plan. @OsmanAli98

 

[war&peace]

There is a lot of generation gap between some parents and their kids. It is more of the job of parents to stay abreast with the changing world to keep up with their kids also it is important for keeping any eye on them.

 

[VCheng]

Hi,I tend to refrain from going into personal details about myself but anyways I feel I have no other option to use so I will kindly ask for mature or sensible members for advice on the situation I am kinda in.As you I am 2nd gen kid in the US with a Pakistani dad,and for those who experienced this know the cultural difficulties some of us face here you see me and my father have a good and loving relationship but in a complicated way,I feel like my views and my dads views don't align and this can get into very nasty fights and arguements just today I got into a nasty fight during Ramadan and I think both of us broke our fast I feel he thinks I been failure to him,and is very abusive I try to restrain my anger but I can't when I am getting abused by him all the time I know in Islamic and in Pakistani culture you have to obey your parents but I don't like his mentality and I am wrong to fight him as well I will go more in detail but I need some help rn

The solution is simple: Get a job, move out and pay all your own bills. Then work on rebuilding the relationship, if possible. If you cannot, then keep your mouth shut.

 

[JonAsad]

The solution is simple: Get a job, move out and pay all your own bills. Then work on rebuilding the relationship, if possible. If you cannot, then keep your mouth shut.

Sorry to say but i agree with you completely...

 

[Wa Muhammada]

Hi,

I am telling you guys---check out your birth sign---are you a water---air---fire or earth sign----.

Then match it with your parents sign---.

If you want to get married to a girl or a boy---check their birth signs and you sign---water and fire and water and air signs never work---.

My mother is an air sign---I am a water sign---my god---did we have fights or did we---. The wind riles up the water---it churns and churns and creates cyclones---.

Also---both father and son---take a personality survey over here---costs you about $30 each---but will make you learn to talk to each other---.

You will find out who you are and what your father is---. It is worth the money---.
http://www.strengths.com/

Birth/star signs?

We are not from amongst those who look to the stars for guidance. Islam has forbidden us from this malpractice because the fire worshippers used to do this.