In a weird sorta awful situation

[GumNaam]

@OsmanAli98 , yara I have a young 19 year old son and an 80 year old father, trust me when I say that I'm in a unique situation where I feel the same tension from my son that I used to have towards my father and yet, being a father myself now, I realize the reasons why he was the way he was. Please do email me.

 

[Death Professor]

72 years, hope he is healthy, its a retirement/relaxation age. Don't try to argue with him too much, people get stubborn with age, some have BP issues, it really depends on how he lived his life. And about your views not aligning with your father, every one experiences life differently. It's ok to have different opinions, you don't need to agree with every single opinion. If the argument gets heated, then break the conversation and continue it a different/better time if it's important. Also, if your dad want's to come back to Pakistan, it's ok to let him come back, as long as he isn't forcing you to come back along with him there shouldn't be any problem.

 

[Mamadouso]

You just have to keep a balance. Parent can get angry very quickly but then soften as easily.

You must just stay calm and read some Surah at the next argument. It will calm the whole situation.

 

[MastanKhan]

Hi,I tend to refrain from going into personal details about myself but anyways I feel I have no other option to use so I will kindly ask for mature or sensible members for advice on the situation I am kinda in.As you I am 2nd gen kid in the US with a Pakistani dad,and for those who experienced this know the cultural difficulties some of us face here you see me and my father have a good and loving relationship but in a complicated way,I feel like my views and my dads views don't align and this can get into very nasty fights and arguements just today I got into a nasty fight during Ramadan and I think both of us broke our fast I feel he thinks I been failure to him,and is very abusive I try to restrain my anger but I can't when I am getting abused by him all the time I know in Islamic and in Pakistani culture you have to obey your parents but I don't like his mentality and I am wrong to fight him as well I will go more in detail but I need some help rn

Hi,

It was between 13---18 years age---hormones screaming--that I had my fights with my father.

What a wonderful kind man he was---would go on night call visits to his patients any time of the night multiple times at night---without showing any attitude---knowing that most of the patients would not be able to pay his fees---.

But he was also very forgiving as well---why---because he knew---children are the future---.

My 17 years old has fights with me and I used to give him a piece of my mind---but now I don't---because he is as tall as I am and stronger---.

He says obnoxious things to me---but I laugh it off---when he gets mad and asks why I am laughing---I say it is the embarrassing laugh---I did the same thing to my father---I said the same thing to my father---. I am not going to be mad at you---because I don't want it to come back at you with your kids---.

I tell all my friends and family members---kids are the future---give them a better life---make them successful---give them right direction---.

Years ago---I would force my nephews and nieces and my daughter to chose professional careers---.

I told them---study something that when looking for a job---there is a demand for it---screw the attitude ' i don't like it---don't like pays bills---like does not pay bills most of the---'.

Guide them for success---show them the direction---do this this and this---and then them go forward---. Many of them did not like me initially---but when couple of them fell on hard times---and they changed direction---suddenly they realized that I was right---.

It is not what you say----IT IS HOW YOU SAY IT---.

Maybe---you dad does not know how to talk to you---.

One last thing---what is your birth sign and what is your father's birth sign---.

Air & water don't mix---air and fire signs don't mix---.

 

[Indus Pakistan]

@OsmanAli98 Sorry for late reply. I missed your tag. I have son who is 21 years old and a father who is 86 year old. So I know what your on about. My dad was and still is demanding person. I strongly suggest that whatever your dad says to let in one ear and out of the other. he is 72. Words don't hurt you. Learn to have a thick skin. Bite your lip, take whatever he throws at you like a man and move on with your life. Do not hold inside whatever your parents say. When I was growing up I got beaten by my mother and dad. But it never bothered me and I never let it effect me. Only I turned against corporal punishment and never hit my kids. Instead I invested in a strong relationship that works.

In your case you need to grow up and toughen up. Of all the things you should never feel hurt over what your parents might say. Ignore and forgive. Do not react. You will regret it later. Instead use your energy on building a life. And once again I am surprised that you would make such a big deal over what your dad says. Toughen up lad. One day your going to have a family to run. you be the 'man' So act like one okay.

And once again. If your dad rants. In one ear and out of the other. Of course anybody else gives you grief knock their head off .............

 

[925boy]

Hi,I tend to refrain from going into personal details about myself but anyways I feel I have no other option to use so I will kindly ask for mature or sensible members for advice on the situation I am kinda in.As you I am 2nd gen kid in the US with a Pakistani dad,and for those who experienced this know the cultural difficulties some of us face here you see me and my father have a good and loving relationship but in a complicated way,I feel like my views and my dads views don't align and this can get into very nasty fights and arguements just today I got into a nasty fight during Ramadan and I think both of us broke our fast I feel he thinks I been failure to him,and is very abusive I try to restrain my anger but I can't when I am getting abused by him all the time I know in Islamic and in Pakistani culture you have to obey your parents but I don't like his mentality and I am wrong to fight him as well I will go more in detail but I need some help rn

Hey my brother. THis is interesting, because my dad also has some issues that make him behave emotionally abusive towards me and my siblings. he has some challenges, and i understand them medically and it makes sense, but his lack of love and real bonding with me REALLY hurt me and rubbed me the wrong way, so i understand how it feels to have problems with your dad, like you. you both seem like u get passionate and just heated, and my dad and i are that way too. both very stubborn. To me, the only solution i think that works, is to invest in and work on yourself. The moment they know and feel you dont need them, they will change or back down or give up. your mom already left your dad, he prolly cant afford to lose you. GL and thanks for opening to us about this. Cheers.

 

[EasyNow]

Sorry to hear of your situation buddy. My father and I never had an argument in my whole life mA.

With age you will see a very clear pattern - not eating on time, high sugar, high blood pressure days used to make my dad angry, and those days I offered him food, medicine and tried to manage any anger.

Your dad and you were likely fasting and most probably irritable - do you think it's a coincidence that you argued?

Honestly so much stuff that we take to heart are just momentary reactions of parents. Don't take it to heart and start looking at your dad as a person who needs your care, not an adversary. When you know you're doing right by your parents, believe me, everything else in life seems alright.

 

[undercover JIX]

I agree with OP here I will try to go on details about it sometime later as I am kinda doing a errand I am no way doubting how my father has done hard work in this foreign land I actually do have interests and I am currently starting a new job at the moment

you are a good person. your asking help from strangers proves it.

tell me if your father has established a little business of his own?
what you think about that....

 

[valkyr_96]

So it seems that all this fighting and trolling is because the forum is nursing daddy issues....I kid I kid.You all have something to prove I hope you all get your calling.

 

[PakSword]

Hi,I tend to refrain from going into personal details about myself but anyways I feel I have no other option to use so I will kindly ask for mature or sensible members for advice on the situation I am kinda in.As you I am 2nd gen kid in the US with a Pakistani dad,and for those who experienced this know the cultural difficulties some of us face here you see me and my father have a good and loving relationship but in a complicated way,I feel like my views and my dads views don't align and this can get into very nasty fights and arguements just today I got into a nasty fight during Ramadan and I think both of us broke our fast I feel he thinks I been failure to him,and is very abusive I try to restrain my anger but I can't when I am getting abused by him all the time I know in Islamic and in Pakistani culture you have to obey your parents but I don't like his mentality and I am wrong to fight him as well I will go more in detail but I need some help rn

Sometimes fathers think (specially in their 60s) that there is too little time left to bring their children on the path to success.. your father's case seems to be like this, specially when he wants to go back to Pakistan... Because he really wants to spend his last part of the life in his motherland. On the other hand, he thinks that you have not only failed him till now but also you don't want to do things that according to him will make you a successful person and he doesn't have much time left to correct you. This is a typical quality of a sub continent dad. He assumes the responsibility to correct his sons even after the son's marriage.

My father does the same... And I don't mind at all.. there's always a word of wisdom in what he says. I am proud that I follow his advice always... to the point that sometimes my wife becomes irritated, but then she prays that my son is raised also like me... Lolll I always ask her why she wants our son to be like me when she is irritated about my behaviour? She says that for the time being, it seems to be a bitter pill, but my behaviour always yields good results.

Secondly, it is the nature of the man to disagree with everyone in his teens and early twenties.. this is the time when an individually thinks himself an aql e kul.. he then realizes after failing so many times during this period that he could be wrong as well. Late 20s and early 30s bring stability and maturity in his thoughts and when he reaches 40, he is found to be sitting with his dad most of the time if the dad is still alive agreeing with him most of the time.

Thirdly, the status of parents, specially father, is extremely high, to the point that many ulema say that if someone is in the middle of the prayers and his father calls him, he should leave the prayer and attend to his father's call and then continue his prayer afterwards from where he left. The time in his father's duty is also part of ibadat.

So in my opinion, just swallow the bitter pill for now.. kill your ego... give him a reason of what you say but if he insists, do what he says... Your father just wants you to be a successful person, nothing else... Make him realize that you are on a path of becoming one.. both religiously and career wise.

Remember, we get our parents only once.. and once they leave, we never get them back.. and then we always say to ourselves why we did that on that day and didn't do that.. and why we talked to them in this manner and not in that manner...

Time is moving fast.. go to your father today, say sorry, sit with him, talk to him with a smile.. tell him that you will do what he wants you to do. I am sure there's is word of wisdom in what he asks you.

 

[war&peace]

Bro, think that he is old and older people have strange emotional problems. They are sensitive like teenagers. As you said he loves you. Believe me he loves you more than you know. Just be polite to him even if says things that do not make any sense or even harsh & abusive..just learn to ignore and rather try to make it better.

I remember only a few times I had very heated arguments with my father. Just a few years ago my dad was involved in a car accident in Pakistan in our native town near Multan with a local made rickshaw. It was not my father's fault since the rickshaw hit the car's driver side door head on. My father was driving a Corolla which he & his driver had kept in an immaculate condition but it was old very old and I had been requesting him to get an SUV which he never accepted. I was thousands of miles away in Atlanta when I heard the news, I felt sad, angry & helpless: all at the same time.
As soon as I talked to him in hospital, I repeated the same request but I couldn't control my anger as my father again declined and that made me crazy. I got really angry and started yelling on the video call and told him to stop saving all the money, stop being stingy and buy an SUV with airbags for himself. I saw little tear heads pop up in his eyes, I was already in tears.
But later me & my brother discussed the issue and we decided to gift an SUV to him instead of expecting him to buy and in fact we did it on his next birth which was only two months away.

The other two times I had arguments with him were (1) over the issue of my marriage which I had been declining stating my career goals and young age blah blah stuff and (2) I wanted to move into hostel from Chacha's home during my Bachelors but for that I involved my mother since he won't even listen to me.
He thought I will go astray if I shifted into the hostel while I knew I will go mad if I stayed a day more at my uncle's place due his wife's behavior.

I still regret all those arguments till this day and I often say sorry to him. I know he has forgiven me but I still feel guilt and remorse. So bro be kind to your father please. He is the only father (I hope) you got.

 

[MastanKhan]

Hi,

My wife walks over to me and tells me she is going to a friends house to pick up a flower planter---. She walks away to he garage---.

My 6 ft tall strapping boy walks by---I tell him to go with his mother to help her put the planter in the van---.

He gives me the NASTY EVIL EYE---because he is on the phone talking to his buddy---ready to go back to his video game---. Oh well---kids---.

 

[Yaseen1]

it is better you live at separate place from your father and start earning.In u.s you can do this ,when you live alone and away from your father chances of conflict will decrease and both you and your father will realize importance of relationship

 

[313ghazi]

Family fights, but family forgives too. Father-son relationships can be awkward sometimes, especially as they evolve from parent-child to senior-junior but don't let the fights get in the way.

Even if you're father is being unreasonable bare with it. Nod along, agree whenever you can, and strive for the best. Spend time with him, exchange ideas, let him have confidence in you.

If your father wants to move to Pakistan perhaps suggest starting with a long 3 month holiday this year and then again in 6 months time, give him time to adapt and a chance to see you'll be fine on your own.

 

[FuturePAF]

OsmanAli98,

Ramadan is a time of reflection. While you may have had some heated words with your father, make dua that you be given the ability to constructively reflect upon what your father is really trying to tell you. From his perspective he is trying his best to set you on a path that will help you survive in the years to come without him. Life in the US (and everywhere else for that matter) is tough. The the US is it tough for other reasons, a lot of people live where they can because of finances, and are therefore far from their family. Long work hours and high rents leave little time for you to spend with your family.

If the issue is trying to convince you to go into a field of work that will pay the bills, rather than a field you are more interested in, then you have to do a honest evaluation. Have you made enough progress in the field your are current in, that you will be able to support yourself and a family on it. If not, consider the other options that you could take.

He may also be trying to tell you in his own way, because communicating these ideas can sometimes be hard to do between a father and son, to not make the same mistakes he did.

I hope you reflect on his words constructively. Not in the spirit of the heated argument they may have been made in, but the way he intended it.