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Shared legacies... Some male views on dowry
Whether you are at the receiving or giving end, dowry is nothing to feel proud of, say men in India and Pakistan
By Faizan Usmani
Among the many social values and cultural trends Pakistan and India share is the legacy of the dowry system. Resistance to this ancient social evil is often met with severe social criticism and condemnation, as many principled and courageous men have found out when they decline to receive a dowry.
Dowry has become a social compulsion even for those who dislike it or have to go into debt or use up their lifetime savings to arrange a dowry.
One of my office colleagues, a true anti-dowry activist, had to compromise when he was getting married, by accepting a 'minimum' of dower articles worth over seven lakh rupees (nearly a million rupees) in order to save the relationship. Another friend, the owner of a local firm in Pakistan told me that because he didn't want a dowry, it took him almost four years to find a bride for his son from a reasonably educated family.
Talking to this writer via email, Dr. Faizan Mustafa, a senior professor at Aligarh University India comments, "Dowry is an evil for those who cannot easily afford it; otherwise in both Hindu and Muslim families those with reasonable or less resources are always ready to spend lavishly on such marital extravaganza by any means".
For young men in Pakistan and India, the word 'dowry' has been replaced by a 'bridal package' which includes both pre- and post-marital expenditures that are spent on wedding - hefty salami (the bride's family's gift to the groom), Edi (the groom's family's gift to the bride's family on Eid), loads of precious gifts, tons of mithai (sweets), flower arrangements, ceremony venues and menus, and the inevitable dowry to top it all.
"Dowry follows an Indian man throughout his marital life in our culture, as receiving a dowry is not a one-time event. The fragmented dowry is given in both physical and non-physical forms. In the name of dowry and bridal gifts, Indian families tend to give their daughters everything (as well as the kitchen sink) before, during and even after the marriage", says Babu Lal Arjun, 31, a resident of Hyderabad, Sindh who works at a media assistant for a public relations firm in Karachi. "Apart from clothes and jewellery, the groom and his family utilise almost all the dowry articles."
Many of the items gifted to the bride on her wedding are in fact meant for the groom and his family, like expensive wristwatch, imported shaving kits, branded garments, neckties, waist belts, cufflinks, sunglasses, leather jackets and wallets, travelling bags and briefcases, costly pens, calculator, cell phone, and laptop and so on.
"No matter how lavish or extravagant it is, refusing any gift during or after the wedding is considered rude. One of my Pakistani friends even got a fax machine by his new father-in-law, while another received a whole carton of shaving foam, plus seat covers for his second-hand car too", says Talha Anis, an accountant from Lahore.
"If you are a groom-to-be, the most expensive venue or number of dishes served at your wedding establish your financial position and social standing," says my distant relative Faisal Abdullah, a recent university graduate and newly wed groom from Muzaffar Nagar in Uttar Pradesh. "Your dream girl might appear as a nightmare when she brings a huge dowry with her, which can never be adjusted in your small home. If you try to refuse these items, not only the in-laws but your own family members and friends also call you a stubborn fool or born loser. And such stubbornness can lead to marital and social isolation".
"Both parties have a part in promoting the dowry trend, which also helps other unmarried guys to cash in on their market value. Good-for-nothing boys, unable to arrange a piece of land for their grave with their own efforts, may demand a whole universe", Naira Khursheed, a middle-aged housewife from Karachi told me.
Whether it is material aid given to broke bachelors or a security deposit for the wellbeing of the bride, whether you are at the receiving or giving end, dowry is nothing to feel proud of. All of society in many South Asian countries appears to be conspiring to put the young boys six feet under instead of helping them stand on their own feet at the start of their marital life.
"Those struggling to achieve self-sufficiency in their lives should scan their future in-laws first before making a final deal. The start of new relationship in a typical Eastern culture may result in enslavement and unsolicited dependence imposed by our in-laws. In my opinion, it's better to stay miles away from your in-laws if you want to lead your own life," says Rizwan Khan, an advertising professional in Karachi.
And so, dowry will clearly continue to be a mandatory part of marital rituals in the subcontinent for the foreseeable future. What gives hope is that some brave men and women are starting to take a stand against it, despite the social pressures.
The writer, focusing on innovation, creative ideas and socio-economic issues, is based in Karachi
faizanusmani@go4ideas.com
Whether you are at the receiving or giving end, dowry is nothing to feel proud of, say men in India and Pakistan
By Faizan Usmani
Among the many social values and cultural trends Pakistan and India share is the legacy of the dowry system. Resistance to this ancient social evil is often met with severe social criticism and condemnation, as many principled and courageous men have found out when they decline to receive a dowry.
Dowry has become a social compulsion even for those who dislike it or have to go into debt or use up their lifetime savings to arrange a dowry.
One of my office colleagues, a true anti-dowry activist, had to compromise when he was getting married, by accepting a 'minimum' of dower articles worth over seven lakh rupees (nearly a million rupees) in order to save the relationship. Another friend, the owner of a local firm in Pakistan told me that because he didn't want a dowry, it took him almost four years to find a bride for his son from a reasonably educated family.
Talking to this writer via email, Dr. Faizan Mustafa, a senior professor at Aligarh University India comments, "Dowry is an evil for those who cannot easily afford it; otherwise in both Hindu and Muslim families those with reasonable or less resources are always ready to spend lavishly on such marital extravaganza by any means".
For young men in Pakistan and India, the word 'dowry' has been replaced by a 'bridal package' which includes both pre- and post-marital expenditures that are spent on wedding - hefty salami (the bride's family's gift to the groom), Edi (the groom's family's gift to the bride's family on Eid), loads of precious gifts, tons of mithai (sweets), flower arrangements, ceremony venues and menus, and the inevitable dowry to top it all.
"Dowry follows an Indian man throughout his marital life in our culture, as receiving a dowry is not a one-time event. The fragmented dowry is given in both physical and non-physical forms. In the name of dowry and bridal gifts, Indian families tend to give their daughters everything (as well as the kitchen sink) before, during and even after the marriage", says Babu Lal Arjun, 31, a resident of Hyderabad, Sindh who works at a media assistant for a public relations firm in Karachi. "Apart from clothes and jewellery, the groom and his family utilise almost all the dowry articles."
Many of the items gifted to the bride on her wedding are in fact meant for the groom and his family, like expensive wristwatch, imported shaving kits, branded garments, neckties, waist belts, cufflinks, sunglasses, leather jackets and wallets, travelling bags and briefcases, costly pens, calculator, cell phone, and laptop and so on.
"No matter how lavish or extravagant it is, refusing any gift during or after the wedding is considered rude. One of my Pakistani friends even got a fax machine by his new father-in-law, while another received a whole carton of shaving foam, plus seat covers for his second-hand car too", says Talha Anis, an accountant from Lahore.
"If you are a groom-to-be, the most expensive venue or number of dishes served at your wedding establish your financial position and social standing," says my distant relative Faisal Abdullah, a recent university graduate and newly wed groom from Muzaffar Nagar in Uttar Pradesh. "Your dream girl might appear as a nightmare when she brings a huge dowry with her, which can never be adjusted in your small home. If you try to refuse these items, not only the in-laws but your own family members and friends also call you a stubborn fool or born loser. And such stubbornness can lead to marital and social isolation".
"Both parties have a part in promoting the dowry trend, which also helps other unmarried guys to cash in on their market value. Good-for-nothing boys, unable to arrange a piece of land for their grave with their own efforts, may demand a whole universe", Naira Khursheed, a middle-aged housewife from Karachi told me.
Whether it is material aid given to broke bachelors or a security deposit for the wellbeing of the bride, whether you are at the receiving or giving end, dowry is nothing to feel proud of. All of society in many South Asian countries appears to be conspiring to put the young boys six feet under instead of helping them stand on their own feet at the start of their marital life.
"Those struggling to achieve self-sufficiency in their lives should scan their future in-laws first before making a final deal. The start of new relationship in a typical Eastern culture may result in enslavement and unsolicited dependence imposed by our in-laws. In my opinion, it's better to stay miles away from your in-laws if you want to lead your own life," says Rizwan Khan, an advertising professional in Karachi.
And so, dowry will clearly continue to be a mandatory part of marital rituals in the subcontinent for the foreseeable future. What gives hope is that some brave men and women are starting to take a stand against it, despite the social pressures.
The writer, focusing on innovation, creative ideas and socio-economic issues, is based in Karachi
faizanusmani@go4ideas.com
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