Personal problem...

[FairAndUnbiased]

I've fallen into a great trap and don't dare talk about this to my friends and definitely not to my family, they will cook me alive. I know I'll probably get butchered on here for this, but at least it'll be off my chest.

My girlfriend is not beautiful, but the nicest and most patient person I know, and she will be joining me in the US this year for her graduate program. The problem is, she is in a different school that's 3 hours drive away because she wasn't accepted to same school as I was. We will be seeing each other only on weekends and holidays for 2 more years. Then I planned to transfer to her school after my MS to get my PHD, or she transfers to mine after her MA. We've been chatting online the past year, but it gets old and boring. Its hard to chat meaningfully far apart except on old memories, because every funny joke, every little surprise, we've said before.

However I've been chatting with this other older girl in my school that I met online, and she's pretty. Not stunningly beautiful, but the reason I'm somewhat attracted is because she looks like a girlfriend I had in high school. Before, I stole a look at her name and kept checking her Renren account, but never had the courage to speak. Why, I don't know. It seems I didn't treat her as an ordinary classmate. I have problems with pretty girls and girls that look like former girlfriends.

We flirted with each other for a month and quickly moved to real life. It's hard to strike up a conversation with strangers. I find many of my classmates irritating, so it was even more amazing that I found someone so socially compatible. Long story short: yesterday she hinted that she wanted me to move in with her.

My judgment is clouded. I won't see my girlfriend often for a long time. I keep thinking to myself, its just play, you know, but that is a betrayal. 2 years is a long time for men. Even if its punctuated by winter and summer, the rest of the time, its not so easy. I have normal male physiological limitations.

I do not want to lose my girlfriend. It's not easy finding a girlfriend now that treats you as a human being and not as private house slave/ATM machine/psychologist. Right now, most city girls approach marriage like a HR department writes a job posting. I don't want that to be my life, and I don't want my future children to grow up like that. My parents married for love, but the other children in the family my age married as if they were looking for a job. Now my cousins are all on the verge of divorce/have been divorced except 1, who married someone 15 years younger and is less educated.

This situation happened to me before, and I was indecisive, trying to hurt no one, which cost me both relationships and I ended up the one hurting. History keeps repeating itself and I've not learned my lessons from the past. I still don't know what to do.

Why do I have to face this? Even though I am 24, am I emotionally ready and competent? I spent today at the lab playing solitaire and pinball with myself while thinking about this problem. Chinese marriage is the worst thing in the world, and so is Chinese parenting. Girls treat marriage like a business contract, men treat marriage like a joke. Except for the couples who met in high school or college, all the ones who met in the working world that I know of are mutually lonely, bitter, selfish people. That's why I decided to go to grad school. I can't handle the real world or the people in it. Of course, I truly want knowledge and truly want to eventually become a researcher or a teacher, but I decided long ago that I was not ready for industry.

In college, there was a street called Happiness Street behind the university, but it was called "Decadence Street" because they sound similar in Chinese (多乐街，堕落街. It was filled with love hotels, bars, internet cafes, and I spent most of the first 2 years there with the other boys in my room. I truly feel my emotional development was stunted.

Now, I have to make a choice. This choice should be easy, but it isn't.

 

[Icewolf]

Wait 2 more years ok and leave that girl alone if she plans to move in with you, you're technically cheating on your girlfriend

 

[FairAndUnbiased]

Wait 2 more years ok and leave that girl alone if she plans to move in with you, you're technically cheating on your girlfriend

this should be an easy choice but it isn't.

 

[Fanling Monk]

Choice like is never easy and I feel for you. But people make big decisions through their lives and this is your first big one, perhaps, the hardest one. There will be no good choice either way but I'm confident that you can deal with it.

 

[roach]

A difficult choice, dude. I agree. I can give you some advice, based on my experience.
It is rare to find a good woman, and by this I mean a woman who stands by you in good and bad times, with whom you have a meaningful and lasting relationship. A woman who sees the not-so-nice in you and accepts it because she (gasp!) loves you. This kind of woman comes along once in a lifetime, if at all. "Beauty" is relative, and comes with an expiry date AND baggage. So if your present girlfriend is such, you will do well to hang on to her, they are quite rare these days. At least you will be able to see her on weekends and take the occasional holiday, that is quite a big deal actually.

Unfortunately, at the age of 24 the instinct is not to settle down, it is to sow ones oats indiscriminately so to speak. The danger is that if you "settle" down now, you may end up regretting that you did not have fun before you decided to settle with your girlfriend. This leaves you with three choices.

1. Be faithful to your girl, and forsake all else.
2. Dump your girl, and hook up with this other hot chick- it might not last, but at least you had fun eh?
3. Stay with your girl and get the oat-sowing out of the way before she arrives in the US, so that you at least had some fun before settling down

Hope this helps.

 

[FairAndUnbiased]

A difficult choice, dude. I agree. I can give you some advice, based on my experience.
It is rare to find a good woman, and by this I mean a woman who stands by you in good and bad times, with whom you have a meaningful and lasting relationship. A woman who sees the not-so-nice in you and accepts it because she (gasp!) loves you. This kind of woman comes along once in a lifetime, if at all. "Beauty" is relative, and comes with an expiry date AND baggage. So if your present girlfriend is such, you will do well to hang on to her, they are quite rare these days. At least you will be able to see her on weekends and take the occasional holiday, that is quite a big deal actually.

Unfortunately, at the age of 24 the instinct is not to settle down, it is to sow ones oats indiscriminately so to speak. The danger is that if you "settle" down now, you may end up regretting that you did not have fun before you decided to settle with your girlfriend. This leaves you with three choices.

1. Be faithful to your girl, and forsake all else.
2. Dump your girl, and hook up with this other hot chick- it might not last, but at least you had fun eh?
3. Stay with your girl and get the oat-sowing out of the way before she arrives in the US, so that you at least had some fun before settling down

Hope this helps.

I said to myself "I am going to do the right thing." But I find my relationship fading already. Its hard maintaining it over a year of distance already, can we repair it in the short breaks? I appreciate my girlfriend being so patient with me, but I fear her patience will wear thin. I don't know. I seriously think I am emotionally stunted and unable to make a correct choice. I was faced with a similar choice in the past. I did nothing. I lost everything.

 

[longyi]

Take it from a much older man. You are too young to be emotionally tie down since you still going to school. These days a man must have a career first and then decides on responsibilities.

Give it time, for time will guide you to a decision. It always does.

 

[roach]

Ultimately, to be honest, you have to have a deep fire for each other: a really strong desire, or love, if you will call it that. Don't worry about her, women are more patient-just don't take her for granted. Women want a man who is fully committed and reassures them about it, they will fight the world for us if needed. Relationship recover with care given.
You cant be emotionally stunted as this thread proves, one in ten thousand dudes would open a thread like this one. It shows you are struggling to make a choice, better than most a$$holes who would follow selfish impulses.

 

[FairAndUnbiased]

Take it from a much older man. You are too young to be emotionally tie down since you still going to school. These days a man must have a career first and then decides on responsibilities.

Give it time, for time will guide you to a decision. It always does.

My father told me that too - "who cares what you look like or what your personality is, you need to focus on your career". I realized it's bullshit. I place great emphasis in my appearance and communication skills. I do not care about brand names but I care greatly about common sense and general fashion taste. The general weakness of most scientists is that they are unable to communicate effectively. I can see it already because I feel my classmates are annoying. That's why I can see through some of the lies by the other girls, and that makes me greatly appreciate my current girlfriend.

Grad school is a full time job, but it's with other people interested in learning. In the real world, there is no secondary objective but money. That's why I like girls who go to grad school and am not, like some Chinese guys (most Chinese guys?) out there who are intimidated by these types of girls. It shows they have real commitment and dedication to something that isn't about money. I don't have any sort of ego. I don't give a sh!t if my girlfriend or wife earns more than I do. Anyone that gossips can go to hell.

Ultimately, to be honest, you have to have a deep fire for each other: a really strong desire, or love, if you will call it that. Don't worry about her, women are more patient-just don't take her for granted. Women want a man who is fully committed and reassures them about it, they will fight the world for us if needed. Relationship recover with care given.
You cant be emotionally stunted as this thread proves, one in ten thousand dudes would open a thread like this one. It shows you are struggling to make a choice, better than most a$$holes who would follow selfish impulses.

thank you. i appreciate everyone for advising me, as I realize that I'm still young and inexperienced in the world.

in the act of writing this, I learned a great deal about how the world really works, and was thinking of just deleting it and thinking things through alone but decided against that. I also hope this can serve as an educational experience to others.

 

[BlackenTheSky]

Mate, I don't think i have got you right, but where till i think, you cannot decide which girlfriend you should choose, the flirty one or one back in your country. See, if this is it, Then see with whom you find yourself happy and comfortable, If with the girl back in China, then stop flirting with the girl in US and wait for her to come to US and have fun, but if you think you are more comfortable with the flirty one, Tell your chinese girlfriend nd if she really love you, she'll understand. Good luck... sometimes these type of situation comes and you should handle it with sensibly using brain, not emotionally.

 

[chitti]

Take both.. make a situation so that both of them desire you. then it will be bliss when they try to outdo each other to please you .. hehe...

 

[ZABASHO]

honestly bro, long distance relationships do not work out well, atleast for majority of us. You can give it a shot and ideologically it may be that love stands the test of distance and time, but it seldom works out.
What you say about contract marriage is so true, and that is why one should go out and experience other options, if one option is limited by the constraints of distance/time, there might be other which are limited by other resources, hence I would recommend experiencing other options too till you find one that suits both of you the best. Its not gonna be easy, not gonna be swift, but atleast give it a shot, perhaps after experiencing others you might even realize the first choice was best for you, but atleast you would've learnt it, and not be sorry later for not trying out other options which may seem attractive later on.
perhaps even the indication of your current relationship fading due to same old stuff, nothing new and exciting might suggest something??
Good Luck, you are chasing nothing different than what most of us here always dream for

P.S. if you do choose, before committing to a new relationship may I suggest getting some load out of your system..... if you know what I mean

 

[Shardul.....the lion]

Apne dil ki baat suno

means listen to your heart............... and decide

anyways you are just 24, you can wait easily till 27-28. Till then enjoy with both

 

[FairAndUnbiased]

honestly bro, long distance relationships do not work out well, atleast for majority of us. You can give it a shot and ideologically it may be that love stands the test of distance and time, but it seldom works out.
What you say about contract marriage is so true, and that is why one should go out and experience other options, if one option is limited by the constraints of distance/time, there might be other which are limited by other resources, hence I would recommend experiencing other options too till you find one that suits both of you the best. Its not gonna be easy, not gonna be swift, but atleast give it a shot, perhaps after experiencing others you might even realize the first choice was best for you, but atleast you would've learnt it, and not be sorry later for not trying out other options which may seem attractive later on.
perhaps even the indication of your current relationship fading due to same old stuff, nothing new and exciting might suggest something??
Good Luck, you are chasing nothing different than what most of us here always dream for

P.S. if you do choose, before committing to a new relationship may I suggest getting some load out of your system..... if you know what I mean

you're right, it is constrained by distance, but here's what i think. its just 2 years. but then i think, its 2 damn years!

i don't like parties anymore. when i went to college, i loved partying, but now i get sick from alcohol, smoking and loud music. I realized this when I went to a party at USC to socialize, yes, that school where 2 other Chinese kids just got shot. i hated it. the overseas students crowd is so different from the people back home. i'm not poor, but i hate how the rich Chinese behave. i'm trying really hard to be sad about how they got shot for no reason and died, but i know i'm faking it. not happy, not sad, just "ok its a fact".

i don't really know about "trying". i tried twice before and both ended unhappily. i think already know what kind of people i am completely incompatible with, 2 types of them anyways.

now i just want to enjoy 二人世界 you know? i don't want to put my current achievements at risk. i don't believe the Chinese saying that "you can't replace your parents but you can replace your wife". no that's bullsh!t, you can't choose your parents, they're assigned to you good or bad (and god help you if they're bad), but you can choose your spouse, and because you choose them, you must take the utmost responsibility for that choice. but it is a personal choice that no one should have the right to intervene with. parents, of course, have to take care of them too, but they must be second, and in fact, good parents will understand that they might need to sacrifice some things for their children even well into adulthood. my parents know that, my grandparents know that.

ironically, in Mao's day and the 80's, almost everyone married for love, and as "liberalization" went on, people didn't anymore. One of the cousins on my mother's side was a teacher (at that time, a very high paying job in the early 90's), and she married an English tour guide! Today, while I dare not say that this won't happen, the probability of that happening in a large city is low, because the women now mostly have impossible/dehumanizing conditions attached to marriage. My generation is trash. Post 80's are doomed. Post 90's generation have a much better chance of growing up without a twisted entitlement mentality.

 

[lem34]

You sound a bit young for permanent gfs. Follow your heart