Joke

[NP-complete]

A young man is taking helicopter flying lessons. While at the controls, a thick layer of fog rolls in, obscuring the landscape. He cannot find the heliport. The instructor takes over the controls and drops beneath the cloud cover, approaches a tall skyscraper and hovers by a window.

The student scrawls a note on paper, holding it up to the window - "Where are we?"
A man inside the building holds up a note - "In a helicopter."

The pilot nods knowingly, pulls the chopper up above the cloud cover and takes a direct heading, drops beneath the cloud cover, exactly at the heliport, and lands.

The student is amazed. "How did you know where we were?"

"Easy", said the pilot. "We got a technically correct answer that was of no use. We had to be at Microsoft."

 

[NP-complete]

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened,and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

 

[NP-complete]

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned b*stard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that b*stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"

 

[Uchiha Sasuke]

anyone from Texas here ?

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

 

[Gentle Typhoon]

Bihari: Ladkiyan Bhi Ajeeb Hoti Hain.
Baat Karo To Thappar Marti Hain!

Pathan: Yehi To Tum Nay Patay Ka Baat Kia,
Ladka Acha Hota Hai.

-----------------

Girl to riksha wala: kyon bhai jaega?
Rikshawala: bilkul jaega madam?
Abhi to tel laga ke khada kiya hai !!!
Girl: to phir ghuma ke peechay se lay lo…

-----------------

Height of Double Meaning:-
Dad went to school to get son”s report card

Busy madam: Abhi Nahi
DAD: To phir kab aaun mein?
Madam: Mere Periods khatam hone ke baad!

-

 

[mayankmatador]

two girls chatting under a tree..

suddenly ek aam gira ped se.........

ladki-ye aam kaise gira......

aam- pak gaya hun tum dono ki baatein sun sun ke

 

[RabzonKhan]

 

[aristocrat]

Machchhar ke kaatne se chintu ko ho gaya malaria
Machchhar ke kaatne se cintu ko ho gaya malaria
Pressure is equal to force per unit area

 

[ajtr]

What does sardar pilot does in indian air force.....

He fly Mig-12, at around 12 in the afternoon, some 12 inches above ground.

 

[DesiGuy]

one of the funnest thread of pdf.

 

[TexasJohn]

John's brisket ( July 4th, memorial day, labor day, birthdays...)

1. Procure large chunk of cow - about 15 -20 lbs.
2. Mercilessly pound and stab said cow with a large fork or "tenderizer thingy" mother-in-law gave you.
3. Add Daddy Hinckley's seasoning and rub liberally. Add secret spices and herbs.
4. Turn cow over and repeat, enlisting various family members ( kids work well here, or relatives that happened to visit - that will teach them) to assist you.
5. Wrap happy cow in heavy foil and let marinade in fridge for about 12 hours.
6. Fire up grill. Involves turning the gas on low, and stuffing wood ( mesquite or hickory) in smoke box.
7. When there is enough smoke ( "enough" being a technical term for " 'bout right""), you are now ready for the cow.
8. Retrieve said cow from fridge, and carry ceremoniously to the grill.
9. Place pan filled with water over coals. This prevents a grease fire and adds moisture. You will have to top off the water pan every hour.
10. Place cow still in foil. let alone for 3 hours. Top off pan of water as needed.
11. ensure enough smoke is present, ( "enough" being a technical term for " 'bout right").
12. Look in cooler and notice NO beer. Ask annoying nephew to go to the store and get some. He grudgingly agrees. Tell him you will "make it up" to him. Never define "make it up".
13. Turn cow over after 3 hours.
14. Repeat step 12. Nephew should be drunk by now and readily agrees. Father-in-law is also drunk and is blabbering. Life is good.
15. Toss on some brats for appetizers. Snack when done only among the "guys working the grill" till the gals find out. Loose brats to the gals.
16. Separate Foil and brush on Jim Bean BBQ sauce. There are others also. Cover back up and stoke up the smoke box. Watch father-in-law cough from the smoke. Smile.
17. Test done with a bamboo skewer. Should slip through easily.
18. Serve with "vittles" ( this being whatever the ladies fixed - and you better like it)
19. Watch football game where the Cowboys beat the Redskins and take their stadium.
20. Burp!

 

[S.U.R.B.]

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before
you will."

 

[marcos98]

A king wanted to hire the best swordsman in the world; he found a Chinese ninja, a Japanese ninja and a Jewish ninja and told them to show their skills.
The Chinese ninja cut a fly in half with one swipe.
The Japanese ninja cut a fly in four parts with one swipe.
The king asked the Jewish ninja why the fly survived his one stroke and the Jew replied "if you look closely, the fly has been circumsized"

 

[marcos98]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

 

[marcos98]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, "You got male".