Joke

[MastanKhan]

Gen McChrystal was the only warrior and leader of men amongst the incompetent generals before him.

 

[Sugarcane]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

 

[RescueRanger]

Title of video says it all....

 

[Sugarcane]

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

 

[AbhimanyuShrivastav]

 

[asad71]

Hi!
I JUST LOVE THIS ONE. An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.
He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh!, the
times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer everySundayafternoon. The
times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today. Oh!, the times we've had!
Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92!"

 

[Sugarcane]

Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the saltshaker contains pepper."

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted. "Oh -- sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles, and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

 

[SipahSalar]

I am a MENSA member since 8 years, and find that offensive. And it's not a national organization, it's an INTERNATIONAL organization. Sorry i know you just copy pasted a joke and meant only a few laughs, im just pulling your leg.

 

[Indos]

Women is always a Woman

 

[asad71]

A Sindhi, a Southy and Sardar worked together in an office and had a common boss.

Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the three decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind him. After all, he never called or came back to work, so how would he know they went home early?

The Sindhi was happy to be home early. He checked his bank accounts, counted his cash and went to bed early.

The Southy too was elated to be home early. He performed a long puja, had a leisurely curd rice dinner and went to bed early.

The Sardar was thrilled to get home early and surprise his wife. But when he got to his bedroom, he heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was mortified to see his wife in bed with his boss! Gently he closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the Sindhi and the Southy planned to leave early again, and they asked the Sardar if he too would leave with them.

'No way !' the Sardar exclaimed, 'I almost got caught yesterday !'

 

[Sugarcane]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

 

[Sugarcane]

Apolicemanwas patrolling late at night off the main road.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, thepolicemanwalks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

Thepolicemanasks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat thepolicemansays: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, thepolicemanis totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!

Thepolicemanasks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

Thepolicemanasks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

 

[asad71]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up and stands very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, he inhales a big breath of air and tells the lady that her hair smells nice.
>
> After a week of this, she can't stand it any more, so she goes to her supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to make a sexual harassment complaint.
>
> The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"
>
> The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."

 

[third eye]

Misbah Ul Haq to a Aussie Girl : Mai aap se beinteha mohabbat karta hun

Aussie Girl : What ?

Misbah : Mai aap se beinteha mohabbat karta hun

Aussie Girl: Please speak in English

Misbah : Boys played well..It was just a bad luck today that we lost ...!!

 

[asad71]

This is an extract from Hillary Clinton's soon to be released autobiography, 'The Truth Will Always Prevail'.
-----------
When we visited India in 1995 we fell in love with the cuisine of that country. One meal in particular was totally awesome and we asked to meet the chef. We were introduced to this unassuming man named Savio Fernandes who came from the tiny coastal state of Goa. He explained how the entire meal from starters to dessert had been prepared in a uniquely Goan style. We were very impressed and asked the Cabinet Secretary if we could borrow the cook for a few months and take him to the USA to cook for us and our state guests for a while. They agreed and after a few weeks Savio joined our kitchen staff at the White House.
The Portuguese ambassador was expected for a State Dinner so we asked Chef Savio Fernandes to cook a twelve course meal for the ambassador and his entourage and in the process show off his unique Indo-Portuguese cuisine. Savio suggested that the piece de resistance would be something called Sorpatel & Sanna. Bill was a bit wary as Savio described it as a very spicy dish and Bill was having a bit of a stomach upset at the time. But in the end we told Savio to go ahead.
The dinner was a great hit with Savio presenting exotic dishes with names like Xacuti and Caldin and Feijado and Balchao and Vindaloo and Cafreal and Patoleo and Bebinca and what have you. Bill was particularly fascinated by the Sorpatel & Sanna and gorged away despite the delicate condition of his stomach. Just as we were saying our goodbyes it happened. Bill started getting severe cramps and nausea. He called aside the Chief of Staff and shouted at him, "Get rid of that Goan cook. Right now!". The Chief of Staff explained to Bill that proper protocol had to be followed or it would cause a diplomatic row. Bill shouted at him, "I am the President of the United States of America. If I want a chef sacked I can do it right now and don't need any of your protocols!"
Just then Bill had another attack of cramps and excused himself from the room and rushed towards the bathroom. By now he was so disoriented that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. Bill was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook!"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred
'THE TRUTH...whole truth and nothing but the truth