On Being a Good Drug Dealer
Q: Is it OK to
boast about the
quality of my product to boost sales?
A:
Never. Your word is your bond. Do not say something is "really tight shit" unless it is. Your
customers, unless they are
novices, will
know. Your reputation, and thus your chances at
repeat business, will suffer.
Q: How much should I
mark up my product?
A: It depends on the availability of the
product, how difficult it was to obtain your product, the current market
price and how much
legal trouble you could accrue as a result of your product
acquisition and
distribution.
Q: What about
friend prices?
A: Should you make a profit on a close friend? I think not.
Everyone else? Absolutely.
Q: How to tell the
difference?
A: A close friend would
stand by you if you were caught trafficking/selling your respective product, including, if
necessary, regular prison visits for the
duration of your sentence.
Q: What's the best
manner in which to conduct a deal?
A: Professionally. Remember, while this is a business of acquaintances, it is still a
business. Treat it as such.
Q: Should I
weigh the product in front of the customer?
A: Most definitely.
Robert Frost wrote, "Good fences make good neighbors." In dealing, good
scales make good customers.
Q: Is it OK for me to
invite the customer to indulge in the product with me or
socialize after the deal?
A: Because you are in the position of power, you can do both, but remember, customers are not substitutes for
friends or an engaging
life of your own. Most people prefer, regardless of what they may
feign in your presence, to have as little contact as possible with drug dealers. The truth is, if the customer could go
down to the grocery store and purchase his particular product, he would. Also, not everyone is as
impressed by your oversized
sound system and latest gaming machine as you are. The customer is there for the
product. Never forget that.
Q: Should I print out
business cards to use as a networking device?
A:
No. Under no circumstances should you ever advertise that you are a drug dealer. Also, if possible, keep all product and any records you maintain at a
separate, secure location from the one in which you reside. Product at your home should be like a steak on the
grill served the moment it's ready.
Q: Is it OK to sell to someone
under 18 or sometimes, maybe, cut the product slightly to
increase your profit margin?
A: Absolutely
not. While drug dealing is
illegal in the United States, there is still an
honor code, just as a code of honor exists for all professions and all human beings in all walks of life. You may
breach the honor code and perhaps remain unscathed for many years, but trust me, gentle drug dealer, you will get
served.
Q: Is it OK to trade drugs for
sex?
A: Certainly you can make the argument that between consenting adults, it's
copacetic. However, I
don't recommend it. The emotional price of such a
transaction, despite what anyone may tell you, is far more costly than any fleeting benefits you may garner.
Q: Should I have other
aspirations besides dealing?
A: Please. Like serving in the military, dealing should not be a
career. How many career military people do you know who are well-rounded,
vibrant,
happy people?
Q: What's the best way to
hide my earnings from the
IRS?
A:
Safety deposit boxes at banks other than the one in which you have your main account. Also, any job that allows you to
declare tips is good, such as
bartending or
stripping. And please, don't be so stupid as to live so far
above your "real" means that you practically beg to be arrested; particularly avoid a
paper trail. This means no
credit cards.
Q: Once my dealing days are over, is it OK to hint at my wild past?
A: No. Unless you're a celebrity or running for governor of Minnesota.
Q: How can I be the best
drug dealer I can be?
A: Buy
good product. Charge a
fair price. Conduct yourself in a
professional manner. Practice strong customer service. And always remember, the main reason your customers associate with you is the product. You are simply a necessary
segue to their
altered reality.
I don't get it...i thought u'd be a buddhist by default since ur japanese. Please clarify.
Cheating spouses are the easiest cases to win. 
