I have had depression for past few years (nearly 3.5 years to be exact) since Aug 2015. I have a flood of thoughts in my head literally 24/7. I have not been able to sleep until 1 or 2 am every night, and sometimes until 4. I remain so tired and exhausted all through out the day from this sleep mess plus the mental strain within me. These thoughts (some good and some bad) can't seem go find a way out of my head after so long. and its around the same theme for years. and these hit me so suddenly multiple times a day. as almost like a day dream but with a lot of pain. I will try my best to describe as much as I can. I get these lumps in my throat, my eyes get teary, many chills get sent down my spin, my stomach feel light and funny, and my heart feels though as someone is scrubbing thrones on it. It seems as I am loosing my nature, my vibrancy, my identity to this sickness. Because of my depression, I have stopped hanging out with most of my friends, i rarely talk to them if ever, I ignore there messages on Snapchat and texts on my number. I only talk to a few buds from school and work, which are okay. I don't want them to know about what i am going through. i don't want anyone to know in real life what I am going through. i want to fix this sh*t myself. I dont want to feel cocky, but the decisions i made 3.5 years ago I REGRET to this day and they still effect me/stay relevant. just to let everyone know, I don't feel lonely. its the opposite. i want to distance myself from the 'vogue' lifestyle. i want to loose all these 100s of contacts/aquitances (in the US) and this extravagant complex living to come onto simple dwelling by myself and a special some one somewhere far away.... It is not easy for me. i keep having depressing thoughts since that date (due to what happened to me then)... and things really havennt in my favor since, other new things coming along the way as well... Just as PAINFUL. nothing to soothe. i look at it at a sum point of view, i have nothing else to do but break down crying.
