Humour In Uniform

[x_man]

Hi

Too much seriousness has been going on here with all the military / Political/Religious discussions, maybe its time to lighten our moods a bit and have a little smile. I know there is a thread for JOKES, but I wanted to start a new one exclusively for Humour related with Uniform. We have plenty of serving, retired, aspiring and friends from all walks of life and many countries who must have something funny to share with rest of us. Anyone wants to share any anecdote, personal funny incident, past experience, joke, cartoon or video clip related to Humour in Uniform is welcome to contribute.

To start with, I would like to share an incident here which developed from a very serious situation but ended at a light note. I have only changed the name of the pilot and will narrate the rest of the incident as we saw and heard from him then.

Year was probably 1995 or 96, Squadron Leader Kamal was coming to land at Masroor base in an F-7, when he had a bird hit and his engine flamed out. Despite few attempt for re-light, it didn’t pick, so he ejected at low altitude around Sher Shah area in Karachi. Those of you who are familiar with surroundings will know that how densely populated that area is. But it was a miracle that aircraft landed in an empty football field and only two people were slightly injured who were later treated at PAF Hospital.

As for Sqn Ldr Kamal, fast winds took him at some distance after ejection and he landed in the middle of few truck drivers who were enjoying Lassi at a nearby truck station. First those drivers were stunned and thought that what the hell is this and is this thing has fallen from some other planet. Because pilot was in coverall, G-suit and with helmet on. Soon they realised that he is from planet earth and speaks their language too. Those pathan drivers were very hospitable and offered him lassi/tea but Sqn Ldr Kamal refused because he was still in a post ejection shock. But those drivers made sure that he drinks something despite his full opposition. Meanwhile, rescue helicopter was on his way but couldn’t locate Sqn Ldr Kamal and even if it did, there was no place to land around in the middle of Sher Shah.

Sqn Ldr Kamal insited on calling Masroor to ask for any service vehicle, but those drivers got really offended and said that when they are there how can he ask for help from someone else. The drivers got hold of an old vintage Diesel Mazda Mark 2, put Sqn Ldr Kamal in it and sat with him as many as could possibly be accommodated in a single car. Few other vehicles also joined them. From Sher Shah, Masroor is about 10 minutes drive. When their motorcade reached Masroor guard room, the first person to get the shock was the provost guy. When he saw Sqn Ldr Kamal sitting in the middle of so many guys, he let them go in. In few minutes his motorcade reached Masroor hospital from where Sqn Ldr Kamal rang his OC and told him about his situation , he rushed to hospital and got a shock too by looking at the huge crowd.

To cut story short, Sqn Ldr Kamal’s ejection was scratch less and only had minor neck compression. He left hospital the next day and started flying again after few days. He made many new friend since his ejection and has been in contact with many of those guys. And we saw Sir Kamal’s picture behind few trucks where those truckers had painted a Jet aircraft with a big picture of Sqn Ldr Kamal and under that a big caption in urdu read, KAMAL MERA DOST. ( Kamal is my friend)

 

[x_man]

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

 

[Spartan King]

hahahahaha, good ones x man

 

[Spartan King]

Military Common Sense Rules

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe Gay)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)

 

[Spartan King]

Fighter Pilot Jokes
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

 

[x_man]

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't F**K with Uncle Bob when he is Drunk."

 

[x_man]

Where is your Map???

It happened with one of my coursemates, Flying Officer Ali (a very simple soul, commonly known as Chacha in the course) in 1993 while our course was undergoing Operational conversion on F-6 at PAF Mianwali. As a student pilot, Ops conversion is very demanding and sometimes under tension, a small slip of tongue can make you remember for rest of your life.

He was flying a Lo level navigation mission in FT-6 (dual seater F-6) with instructor occupying the rear seat. Students were not allowed to use any navigation aid and were required to make a very comprehensive map of the whole mission. The map had everything (heading, time, fuel, route etc) marked on it. Once settled on initial heading and when constant throttle (power) setting was used, we were supposed to hold the map in left hand and fly with right.

Ali was flying good navigation until at one point where he was supposed to turn to next heading, he continued going straight. Instructor waited patiently for him to turn, until he shouted from rear seat,’ Ali what are you waiting for, why are you not turning?’ Ali still continued on the same heading and when prompted again from instructor, he said in a very low sheepish tone,’ Sir, map Kursi kay nichay chala gaya hai.’ Couldn’t believe his ears, Instructor asked him again that where the map has gone, Ali replied again: Sir, map Kursi kay nichay chala gaya hai. This was the moment when instructor bursted, ARE YOU CALLING THIS F*$**N MILLION DOLLAR STATE OF THE ART ,MARTIN BAKER EJECTION SEAT A BLOODY KURSI….DO YOU THINK THAT IT IS CALLED KURSI?????
Well, you can guess now that how the rest the mission must have gone. Since then, ALI has been renamed. We don’t call him Chacha anymore but now he is CHACHA KURSI.

 

[solid snake]

haha the last story was very funny.

The first story reminds me of what little I know about my dad's ejection. I was only 1 year old at the time (1988), so I only remember some of what I heard from my family. My dad was flying a routine training mission with his student in an FT-5 (I believe) over Mianwali. The plane's engine caught fire, and the student panicked and started yelling "sir eject karein?" but since the jet was flying under 400 feet, my dad told him to wait. He pulled up and after gaining some altitude, both of them ejected. My dad's parachute got tangled in a tree and he got knocked unconcious. A farmer found him and was able to bring him down.

I realize I should know more about this episode. The ejection seat and parachute is kept in our garage ever since as a memrobillia of that day.

Do pilots in PAF flying missions communicate in Urdu or English? I've always thought they speak exclusively in English. Once during a 7th September Air Force day show I spoke to a pilot who was flying via the control tower radio. I spoke to him in English.

While I lived at PAF Risalpur, I saw young cadets getting it from senior officers many times. My friends and I used to be members of the horse riding club at the base, so we got to go inside the cadets side of the base everyday. One time a base commander showed up and it seemed the cadets were goofing around instead of doing proper parajump training. The air commodore let them have it and all us kids stood there laughing our heads off.

I love the PAF. What a great life it gave me. So many excursions to Lower Topa, Kalabagh etc where every officer would act like a kid.

I remember also at Mianwali there used to be weekley night cricket games during the summers between teams of officers in the tennis courts area. And the annual swimming galas in which officers would throw each other in the pool fully dressed.

And I don't know if this is ture or not, but I also heard that some PAF pilot once shot down his own wingman because they had a disagreement over who would land first. This sounds pretty outrageous to me, but I seem to remember PAF officers talking about it.

 

[x_man]

haha the last story was very funny.

The first story reminds me of what little I know about my dad's ejection. I was only 1 year old at the time (1988), so I only remember some of what I heard from my family. My dad was flying a routine training mission with his student in an FT-5 (I believe) over Mianwali. The plane's engine caught fire, and the student panicked and started yelling "sir eject karein?" but since the jet was flying under 400 feet, my dad told him to wait. He pulled up and after gaining some altitude, both of them ejected. My dad's parachute got tangled in a tree and he got knocked unconcious. A farmer found him and was able to bring him down.

I realize I should know more about this episode. The ejection seat and parachute is kept in our garage ever since as a memrobillia of that day.

Do pilots in PAF flying missions communicate in Urdu or English? I've always thought they speak exclusively in English. Once during a 7th September Air Force day show I spoke to a pilot who was flying via the control tower radio. I spoke to him in English.

I love the PAF. What a great life it gave me. So many excursions to Lower Topa, Kalabagh etc where every officer would act like a kid.

I remember also at Mianwali there used to be weekley night cricket games during the summers between teams of officers in the tennis courts area. And the annual swimming galas in which officers would throw each other in the pool fully dressed.

And I don't know if this is ture or not, but I also heard that some PAF pilot once shot down his own wingman because they had a disagreement over who would land first. This sounds pretty outrageous to me, but I seem to remember PAF officers talking about it.

I think your dad made a very wise move, because 400 feet is well below the minima for FT-5 seat. Its a tradition in PAF that whenever a pilot ejects from aircraft, he keeps the seat. I have met few guys who have two seats!!

When pilots fly in an aircraft that is twin seater,e.g Mirage DP, F-16B,T-37,FT-7 etc , they speaki to each other thru intrcom and they do speak in both Udru and English. But whenever pilot has to communicate with any outside agency e.g ATC,Radar,any other aircraft ,then the language is strictly English.

I really dont know where you heard the wingman story about landing, because its totally absurd. Nothing ever happened like this in PAF. Before each mission , a very comprehensive briefing is carried out between the formation members. Each and every aspect is discussed. It covers deails from the moment you step out of squadron, pre flight, startup, taxi, takeoff...to....landing and switch off. It also covers emergencies and any possible variations. So there is no way that such a confusion can arise in air. Lets assume for a nano second that by remotest possiblity, if such confusion has occured then one has to be nut or shall I say double nut to shoot his wingman over landing sequence.I have never heard such thing in PAF.

 

[Muradk]

1974 Flt Lt Rafiiq Air force name ( Cooplan) while on Taxi his F-86 went and hit the light pole. The left wing got damaged and as usuall the Inquiry started and in his statement he said that the Pole came and hit him. We all read it and I told him that this is no laughing matter be serious and write what happend. And he said no I am not jocking the pole came and hit me, The Base commander said that If you just say that I went and hit the pole nothing will happen to you but if you keep saying that the pole came and hit me you are seriously going to damage your career. Cooplane never changed his statement he left air force 6 months later and is now Senior Captian PIA. I beleive he is the Dir of Ops PIA in KArachi now a days.

 

[natalie]

how about that joke about naughty nurse.....sorry guys i am off now see you laters.

 

[x_man]

See for yourself how this tough dude handles himself in an F-18.

Keep your speakers on and view all 5 scenes by clicking on the scenes # on left.

http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/ajc/swf/blueangels/blueangels.swf

 

[x_man]

Bird & Fortune The Admirals Interview

H6h8i8wrajA[/media] - Bird & Fortune The Admirals Interview

 

[Iceman]

This one is from PMA .. .... a class was on Table of Org and Eqpt was in progress. After a long boring lecture, the platoon commander Maj Umer turned towards one of my course mates Umair and asked in his peculiar style " so Umair, please tell us what all weapons does the arty has?.... Umair (who had a punishment round the night before and had been dozing of in the entire lecture) was caught totally surprized, he paused for a while and said .... sir Recoilless Rifles, mortors etc .....the class was in shock, but the platoon commander, came back in a very solemn tone Umair today you have given Recoilless Rifles to the Arty, tomorrow you'll give Submarines to the Airforce....on this the entire class burst out into a massive laughter
Moral of the story : dont even laugh loudly at your senior's joke (the entire platoon was later on sent to the drill square for a round of punishment:

 

[Xeric]

This one is from PMA .. .... a class was on Table of Org and Eqpt was in progress. After a long boring lecture, the platoon commander Maj Umer turned towards one of my course mates Umair and asked in his peculiar style " so Umair, please tell us what all weapons does the arty has?.... Umair (who had a punishment round the night before and had been dozing of in the entire lecture) was caught totally surprized, he paused for a while and said .... sir Recoilless Rifles, mortors etc .....the class was in shock, but the platoon commander, came back in a very solemn tone Umair today you have given Recoilless Rifles to the Arty, tomorrow you'll give Submarines to the Airforce....on this the entire class burst out into a massive laughter
Moral of the story : dont even laugh loudly at your senior's joke (the entire platoon was later on sent to the drill square for a round of punishment:

lolz... nice one...well i have expirenced the same during my time in PMA...