How do arranged marriages work? Would members here advise against or in favour of arranged marriages? Does the couple need to have understanding and feelings for each other before marriage?
Okay, so the first thing you must understand is that any marriage process will only work, as you want it to work. You need to be head-strong and be confident and considered. Don't rush into anything, don't be pressured into anything - ultimately well wishers will put you in dholi and say goodbye - you live with the consequences.
The idea of an arranged marriage is that people reccomend someone to you based on your personalities where they consider things a good match. In reality people are biased by their own relationships, but their own selfishness, so it doesn't always work. Many couples who get married through arranged marriages can end up doing a lot of work/compromise because it works. This is only the case where it is done badly. Done well arranged marriage can be an excellent way to get married.
No marriage is perfect, nobody marries their exact match, every marriage requires some compromise and understanding to achieve perfection. Bliss comes through hard work.
In my opinion before you get married to someone consider;
- Does this person share your moral values?
- Does this person have any morals/opinions you consider abhorrant?
- Do you find this personal physically attractive?
- What are their family like - you marry a family, not an individual.
The idea of love at first sight, maybe it happens for some, but for most it's lust at first sight. Love is something that comes from compassion. It builds in a relationship. Being considerate, caring, romantic, affectionate that builds love.
What you need to do is;
1. Understand what you want in a Husband.
2. Understand what you want in your life
3. Understand what your limits, boundaries and red lines are.
Then whenever a potential suitor is mentioned, ask to speak to them, ask for opporunity to converse with them. It can be in a public place, it can be in your family home, other people can be present. That is the halal way to do it. Send that person a list of questions, ask them to answer them. Ask them for any questions they have for you.
My sister is looking to get married and these are some of the questions i suggested for her;
Financial
1.
What was your economic background when you grew up? Did you have a poor upbringing, was it working class, middle class, wealthy?
2. What is your current financial situation like? I notice you are working as a teacher and you’ve mentioned you currently own a property in Sheffield. You’ve also stated you have means with which to buy your own home.
3. What is your future financial outlook? What sort of lifestyle do you want to have from and economic perspective and do you have any plans towards achieving that?
Family background
1. how did your parents meet? Was their marriage arranged? What did their families think?
2. are other marriages in the family arranged or otherwise? Opinions
Religious background
1. Which fiqh are you associated with
2. How practising is this person
Cultural background
1. where is his family from in Pakistan? what about maternal family?
2. what quom are they. Do they consider that important.
Kids
1. Do you want to have kids? Do you know how many kids you want to have?
2. How do you envisage them being raised? By a working mum or a full time mum?
3. If we get as far as getting married, are you open to a DNA test before marriage to check for any common genetic issues?
4. What role do you see your siblings playing In the upbringing of your children?
5. What role do you see your partners siblings playing in the upbringing of your children?
Family life/in-laws
1. Do you think it's important to like your in laws or is it okay to just have a working relationship?
2. Do you have any red lines in a marriage? Things you won’t compromise on in life and in marriage?
3. Do you dislike anyone in your extended family and why?
4. How would you handle a situation where your wife wants one thing and your family another? Assuming they were both reasonable but very different positions.
5. Do you plan to live married life in your family home, or in your own home?
6. How involved would you like to be with the day to day events of your family when you are married?
7. How involved would you like to be with the in-laws when you are married?
Conflict resolution
1. How do you behave when angry?
2. How should a husband wife settle a dispute or disagreement?
3. How do settle a dispute where you are clearly right but the other party is stubborn?
4. Have you ever argued a point knowing you were in the wrong? If so why?
Professional
1. what job do you do and why?
2. What are your views on home schooling?
3. What are your views on the use of technology in education?
4. If you could afford to would you send your kids to private school?
5. Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years time?
Personal questions
1. Is there anything you wanted in life but didn’t have?
2. Do you want your kids to have that?
3. If money was no object what would you do with your life?
4. Have you been on hajj or plan to go?
5. Are your social circles made mainly of school friends, uni friends or work friends?
6. What do you do in your spare time to relax?
Here is a PDF of questions that you could ask, some of them are the same.
I need advice from experienced people.
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