Are you Eligible for Marriage?

[Rusty]

When I look around me - I'm afraid this is exactly what I see !

Men keep putting off the things they wanted to do & even kill their dreams because they have a family to take care off, they have to pay the bills & that there are certain expectations from them, till a time comes that they realize that they are in their mid '50s & they haven't even done half the things they wanted to do - It was always working long hours for that promotion because the bills are piling ups, deferring their plans because if it isn't them then it their best friend who got stuck at work & buying stuff & carving out a social standing for yourself because thats what is expected of you !

I would find that beyond stifling !

And regretably most would-be spouses are either two engrossed in their own career lives without the obligations that gender-equality would entail that companionship doesn't blossom that much or their careers are little more than glorified hobbies ! And then you've got most women - Who sit around on their butttts the whole day & whose greatest ambition for the week revolves around arranging for a luncheon or a brunch for their friends !

What do you say @Rusty - Am I wrong to say that ?

you are 100% correct my friend.
Let me tell you 2 stories that are related.

First, a really really good friend of mine was the oldest of 3 sons.
His dad was just a normal labor worker (In Canada this is a good paying job), but his dream was to be a pilot.
The problem came when he got his wife pregnant and had his first son, he had to quit is dream and get a menial job.
for the next 20 years he hated his oldest son (my friend) and would always blame him!

In this case the dad was wrong to blame his son because he himself made the mistake of having kids. He should have just said no to marriage and go on to become a pilot.

The second story is that every man who is married and in their 40's or 50s is depressed as hell.
They are depressed about their wasted life where they sacrificed their lives for their family who does not even respect him.
They are depressed on giving up their dream
And they are depressed at not being able to get free of their slavery.

Kisi nai mere yaar rusty kah dil tor diya.

@Rusty

too many times

but that's neither here nor there

 

[Armstrong]

15-16 hours a day? Did he give enough time to the relationship then?

He took her out every other day & spent the whole day with them on Sunday doing everything from visiting the NY Museum to Broadway ! He took her for vacations twice a year in his breaks - Everywhere from Venice to Malaysia !

Plus she did have tonnes of cash to blow & it was those niggling expenses that caused him to take greater work load & not otherwise so I'd say he did seem to invest quite a bit human capital into the relationship !

 

[Farah Sohail]

When I look around me - I'm afraid this is exactly what I see !

Men keep putting off the things they wanted to do & even kill their dreams because they have a family to take care off, they have to pay the bills & that there are certain expectations from them, till a time comes that they realize that they are in their mid '50s & they haven't even done half the things they wanted to do - It was always working long hours for that promotion because the bills are piling ups, deferring their plans because if it isn't them then it their best friend who got stuck at work & buying stuff & carving out a social standing for yourself because thats what is expected of you !

I would find that beyond stifling !

And regretably most would-be spouses are either two engrossed in their own career lives without the obligations that gender-equality would entail that companionship doesn't blossom that much or their careers are little more than glorified hobbies ! And then you've got most women - Who sit around on their ***** the whole day & whose greatest ambition for the week revolves around arranging for a luncheon or a brunch for their friends !

What do you say @Rusty - Am I wrong to say that ?

U know..its got much to do with your perception;how u perceive things.. I m sure..if u ask women...some of them will say the exact opposite of wht u just said...tht from the girl's POV...tht after marriage..she will have to let go of her dreams..her wishes ...tht she has to look after, not only her husband, but her whole susral.many things are expected from a bahu...she has to make everyone happy in her susraal....and while doing so, she will get minimal time for her own self...havent u seen...girls complaining abt these things...tht no matter how hard they try...she isnt able to keep her in laws happy? so what do girls do? Stop marrying?

Although I am not married yet..but have seen many young couples around me...my sisters..my cousins.. I have seen their relationships...they are really happy in their lives after marriage...although there are many things like wht i have mentioned...abt susraal..and all..but they DO have nice times with their spouses..despite other things..U know...everyone's relationships is unique to others..and how ur married life..is..it entirely depends on how u want to make it..Companionship is a must in your marriage..u must know how to enjoy with EACH OTHER..instead of looking to enjoy with other friends.everytime.u must look for common interests...its not like tht I am saying tht u dont have ur separate friends...obviously thts a must too..everyone needs a bit of space...but wht I want to emphasize is tht..both must enjoy with each other too...rather than only worrying abt the financial stuff or other things.. If men are expected to worry abt financial aspects in our society...then many other things are expected from wife/bahu.in our society........but in all this...u shd know...tht these worries are part and parcel of your life...and ur life shouldnt be stuck there..u shd be able to spend time with each other in a meaningful manner... If marriage has its cons....like enough responsibilities for both men and women...its has its pros too..otherwise...marriage wouldnt hv been such a strong institution.....u know..u will have ur partner to worry for u...in ur times of stress..u wont be alone..when u need someone ...there are certain things/worries..which u can share with ur partner only...and tht is the strength/beauty of this relationship...the emotional aspect....
Personally I am not a fan of women working after marriage or specifically after kids...I think a girl's priority shd be her home..then career...How can a mother neglect her kids just for her career? Kids need mother the most..esp in their early life..they shd feel they are important to their parents..But then there are also women who balance their personal and professional lives nicely but tht is a very difficult thing and not every onecan do it..so I think if a choice has to be made..ur family life shd be ur priority...
For a good relationship....I think compromises have to be made from both sides in a marriage..no 2 ppl are born perfect for each other...its u who shd know how to make a good relationship out of imperfect ppl....give and take is a must...neither a girl shd be expected to make all the compromises nor this shd be expected from men.. If u have to keep ur wife happy..u will have to let go of certain things and she will have to do the same...and in the end...u will both be happy..as I said..it all depends on how u want ur marriage to be...and how much effort both partners put.. to make a good relationship...

 

[Rusty]

Yaraa I'm a hopeless romantic but Laila-Majnun & Sohni-Mahiwaal - that generation...those men & those women are dead !

I could look at my cousin, the Investment Banker, he'd work Obscene Number of hours every day to secure their future, to pay for his wife's 4-5 trips a year to Pakistan, to pay the exorbitant fees of his son's private school so that he gets the best education that money could buy, their vacations, of his wife's manicures & pedicures & luncheons & brunches, for the nanny so that his wife could work the few hours she did & where did it leave him - Divorce because Companionship couldn't blossom because his wife said he wasn't there for them & that there wasn't a convergence of interest - As if the Money made itself & as if he was supposed to impress upon her to have an opinion on something to have an occasional conversation about !

And she was a perfectly fine person - And his is an example that I've seen repeated itself over & over again !

He did not wear the pants in that relationship and that is the end result.
Men need to understand how important it is to wear the pants.

He took her out every other day & spent the whole day with them on Sunday doing everything from visiting the NY Museum to Broadway ! He took her for vacations twice a year in his breaks - Everywhere from Venice to Malaysia !

Plus she did have tonnes of cash to blow & it was those niggling expenses that caused him to take greater work load & not otherwise so I'd say he did seem to invest quite a bit human capital into the relationship !

Bro let me ask you something.
If a child asks you for Chocolate every day, they want to eat it for breakfast lunch, and dinner.
Would you let them?

 

[Lone]

Are you a grad student?

Sadly yes bro. Its a mistake you make even though you know its a mistake.

 

[Sugarcane]

U know..its got much to do with your perception;how u perceive things.. I m sure..if u ask women...some of them will say the exact opposite of wht u just said...tht from the girl's POV...tht after marriage..she will have to let go of her dreams..her wishes ...tht she has to look after, not only her husband, but her whole susral.many things are expected from a bahu...she has to make everyone happy in her susraal....and while doing so, she will get minimal time for her own self...havent u seen...girls complaining abt these things...tht no matter how hard they try...she isnt able to keep her in laws happy? so what do girls do? Stop marrying?

Although I am not married yet..but have seen many young couples around me...my sisters..my cousins.. I have seen their relationships...they are really happy in their lives after marriage...although there are many things like wht i have mentioned...abt susraal..and all..but they DO have nice times with their spouses..despite other things..U know...everyone's relationships is unique to others..and how ur married life..is..it entirely depends on how u want to make it..Companionship is a must in your marriage..u must know how to enjoy with EACH OTHER..instead of looking to enjoy with other friends.everytime.u must look for common interests...its not like tht I am saying tht u dont have ur separate friends...obviously thts a must too..everyone needs a bit of space...but wht I want to emphasize is tht..both must enjoy with each other too...rather than only worrying abt the financial stuff or other things.. If men are expected to worry abt financial aspects in our society...then many other things are expected from wife/bahu.in our society........but in all this...u shd know...tht these worries are part and parcel of your life...and ur life shouldnt be stuck there..u shd be able to spend time with each other in a meaningful manner... If marriage has its cons....like enough responsibilities for both men and women...its has its pros too..otherwise...marriage wouldnt hv been such a strong institution.....u know..u will have ur partner to worry for u...in ur times of stress..u wont be alone..when u need someone ...there are certain things/worries..which u can share with ur partner only...and tht is the strength/beauty of this relationship...the emotional aspect....
Personally I am not a fan of women working after marriage or specifically after kids...I think a girl's priority shd be her home..then career...How can a mother neglect her kids just for her career? Kids need mother the most..esp in their early life..they shd feel they are important to their parents..But then there are also women who balance their personal and professional lives nicely but tht is a very difficult thing and not every onecan do it..so I think if a choice has to be made..ur family life shd be ur priority...
For a good relationship....I think compromises have to be made from both sides in a marriage..no 2 ppl are born perfect for each other...its u who shd know how to make a good relationship out of imperfect ppl....give and take is a must...neither a girl shd be expected to make all the compromises nor this shd be expected from men.. If u have to keep ur wife happy..u will have to let go of certain things and she will have to do the same...and in the end...u will both be happy..as I said..it all depends on how u want ur marriage to be...and how much effort both partners put.. to make a good relationship...

It looks like you have already done Phd on marriage and susrals

PS: Well said

 

[Rusty]

U know..its got much to do with your perception;how u perceive things.. I m sure..if u ask women...some of them will say the exact opposite of wht u just said...tht from the girl's POV...tht after marriage..she will have to let go of her dreams..her wishes ...tht she has to look after, not only her husband, but her whole susral.many things are expected from a bahu...she has to make everyone happy in her susraal....and while doing so, she will get minimal time for her own self...havent u seen...girls complaining abt these things...tht no matter how hard they try...she isnt able to keep her in laws happy? so what do girls do? Stop marrying?

Although I am not married yet..but have seen many young couples around me...my sisters..my cousins.. I have seen their relationships...they are really happy in their lives after marriage...although there are many things like wht i have mentioned...abt susraal..and all..but they DO have nice times with their spouses..despite other things..U know...everyone's relationships is unique to others..and how ur married life..is..it entirely depends on how u want to make it..Companionship is a must in your marriage..u must know how to enjoy with EACH OTHER..instead of looking to enjoy with other friends.everytime.u must look for common interests...its not like tht I am saying tht u dont have ur separate friends...obviously thts a must too..everyone needs a bit of space...but wht I want to emphasize is tht..both must enjoy with each other too...rather than only worrying abt the financial stuff or other things.. If men are expected to worry abt financial aspects in our society...then many other things are expected from wife/bahu.in our society........but in all this...u shd know...tht these worries are part and parcel of your life...and ur life shouldnt be stuck there..u shd be able to spend time with each other in a meaningful manner... If marriage has its cons....like enough responsibilities for both men and women...its has its pros too..otherwise...marriage wouldnt hv been such a strong institution.....u know..u will have ur partner to worry for u...in ur times of stress..u wont be alone..when u need someone ...there are certain things/worries..which u can share with ur partner only...and tht is the strength/beauty of this relationship...the emotional aspect....
Personally I am not a fan of women working after marriage or specifically after kids...I think a girl's priority shd be her home..then career...How can a mother neglect her kids just for her career? Kids need mother the most..esp in their early life..they shd feel they are important to their parents..But then there are also women who balance their personal and professional lives nicely but tht is a very difficult thing and not every onecan do it..so I think if a choice has to be made..ur family life shd be ur priority...
For a good relationship....I think compromises have to be made from both sides in a marriage..no 2 ppl are born perfect for each other...its u who shd know how to make a good relationship out of imperfect ppl....give and take is a must...neither a girl shd be expected to make all the compromises nor this shd be expected from men.. If u have to keep ur wife happy..u will have to let go of certain things and she will have to do the same...and in the end...u will both be happy..as I said..it all depends on how u want ur marriage to be...and how much effort both partners put.. to make a good relationship...

nonsense, the lot of it.
What dreams do women give up?
Their biggest dream on earth is to find a rich man and marry him.
So maybe if she finds a poor man, she has given up on her dream

admittedly I skimmed the rest of your paragraph but from what I got.
You are just looking at new couples who are in the honeymoon phase.
Those people will always be happy, just give them a few years and the real feelings come out.

Have you ever bought something you wanted sooooo much?
like a PlayStation or something?
the first 3 months after you buy you love it and play with it every day.
After that..... well it just collects dust and your feeling for it passes.

The same with marriage.

 

[livingdead]

He took her out every other day & spent the whole day with them on Sunday doing everything from visiting the NY Museum to Broadway ! He took her for vacations twice a year in his breaks - Everywhere from Venice to Malaysia !

Plus she did have tonnes of cash to blow & it was those niggling expenses that caused him to take greater work load & not otherwise so I'd say he did seem to invest quite a bit human capital into the relationship !

it seems to me that he was feeling guilty that he could not spend enough time with her, hence tried to make up with money and stuff.(bit like working parents pamper their kids)
I would be interested in knowing the other side of story. But I agree with rusty, alimony should be more reasonable.

 

[Durrak]

you are 100% correct my friend.
Let me tell you 2 stories that are related.

First, a really really good friend of mine was the oldest of 3 sons.
His dad was just a normal labor worker (In Canada this is a good paying job), but his dream was to be a pilot.
The problem came when he got his wife pregnant and had his first son, he had to quit is dream and get a menial job.
for the next 20 years he hated his oldest son (my friend) and would always blame him!

In this case the dad was wrong to blame his son because he himself made the mistake of having kids. He should have just said no to marriage and go on to become a pilot.

The second story is that every man who is married and in their 40's or 50s is depressed as hell.
They are depressed about their wasted life where they sacrificed their lives for their family who does not even respect him.
They are depressed on giving up their dream
And they are depressed at not being able to get free of their slavery.



too many times

but that's neither here nor there

Well this is not that much true a person who refused to overcome from his past can have regrets but not a proud father... Even sometimes a child also leave his/her dreams for their parents .. Just a matter of situation ..

 

[Rusty]

it seems to me that he was feeling guilty that he could not spend enough time with her, hence tried to make up with money and stuff.(bit like working parents pamper their kids)
I would be interested in knowing the other side of story. But I agree with rusty, alimony should be more reasonable.

In an ideal world there should be NO alimony or child support or any of that nonsense.

A woman wants a divorce?
Sure go ahead, she can keep all the things she paid for and GTFO.

I guarantee you that if that was the case divorce would drop from 50% to 5%

 

[Farah Sohail]

He took her out every other day & spent the whole day with them on Sunday doing everything from visiting the NY Museum to Broadway ! He took her for vacations twice a year in his breaks - Everywhere from Venice to Malaysia !

Plus she did have tonnes of cash to blow & it was those niggling expenses that caused him to take greater work load & not otherwise so I'd say he did seem to invest quite a bit human capital into the relationship !

If all this is true...I feel sorry for your cousin.... I must say tht this woman was a nut case or an exception..If u say .such examples are repeated....ermm.. I am not sure..yes there are 1 or 2 cases here and there like this..but not mostly...just like I would hear cases of men who are nut cases...but dsnt mean tht girls shd not marry...I think...mostly ppl do lead a good life if both partners are willing to give importance to their relationship and are willing to make it a success...And one more thing..I personally feel(ppl might not agree with me) tht arranged marriages are more successful compared to love marriges...I have seen more divorce rates in love marriages as compared to arranged marriages...Maybe bcoz in love marriages...u have a LOT of expectations from ur partners..u keep comparing tht earlier u used to do this for me...and now u dont...and blah blah..whereas in arrange marriages...u start from point zero and then work it out to make a good relationship...but obviously there are exceptions..love marriages can be successful too..as I said..it entirely depends on two ppl in marriage ..how do they perceive things and how much importance do they give to their relationship?

 

[Luftwaffe]

He took her out every other day & spent the whole day with them on Sunday doing everything from visiting the NY Museum to Broadway ! He took her for vacations twice a year in his breaks - Everywhere from Venice to Malaysia !

Plus she did have tonnes of cash to blow & it was those niggling expenses that caused him to take greater work load & not otherwise so I'd say he did seem to invest quite a bit human capital into the relationship !

He spoiled his wife. When you spoil your wife that is the turning point of a relationship. I still maintain both are responsible for whatever happened and now that women would be living downgraded life there would be some guilt in her as well, No women takes bold step of divorce in asian community unless her parents/sisters don't force too maybe greed of haq mehr was a factor as well.

 

[Rusty]

Well this is not that much true a person who refused to overcome from his past can have regrets but not a proud father... Even sometimes a child also leave his/her dreams for their parents .. Just a matter of situation ..

What do you mean it's not true?
How many men have you met who say "My dream was to become a married slave and work until I die at a job I ate"
NON!
every married man has given up on his dreams to become a slave. And if he still tries to hold onto his dream his wife divorces him and takes his money.

Yes, I know how greedy/selfish Pakistani parents manipulate their kids to be their slaves. This is why I said Pakistan is a nation of emasculated balls less men. IF it's not the wife they are emasculated by, it's their parents (amee gee).
That is why Pakistan could not produce a single good leader in the last 65 years and why we don't have any good indigenous leaders in the last 1000.

You can't be a good leader when your wife/mom has your balls.

If all this is true...I feel sorry for your cousin.... I must say tht this woman was a nut case or an exception..If u say .such examples are repeated....ermm.. I am not sure..yes there are 1 or 2 cases here and there like this..but not mostly...just like I would hear cases of men who are nut cases...but dsnt mean tht girls shd not marry...I think...mostly ppl do lead a good life if both partners are willing to give importance to their relationship and are willing to make it a success...And one more thing..I personally feel(ppl might not agree with me) tht arranged marriages are more successful compared to love marriges...I have seen more divorce rates in love marriages as compared to arranged marriages...Maybe bcoz in love marriages...u have a LOT of expectations from ur partners..u keep comparing tht earlier u used to do this for me...and now u dont...and blah blah..whereas in arrange marriages...u start from point zero and then work it out to make a good relationship...but obviously there are exceptions..love marriages can be successful too..as I said..it entirely depends on two ppl in marriage ..how do they perceive things and how much importance do they give to their relationship?

This is what drives me crazy
SHE IS NOT AN EXCEPTION!
Just about every woman would do the same if she had the chance.

 

[Argus Panoptes]

.......

You can't be a good leader when your wife/mom has your balls.............

If that is true, we should have produced some really GREAT female leaders, right?

 

[livingdead]

In an ideal world there should be NO alimony or child support or any of that nonsense.

A woman wants a divorce?
Sure go ahead, she can keep all the things she paid for and GTFO.

I guarantee you that if that was the case divorce would drop from 50% to 5%

Lot of women invest in the relationship and less on career after marriage. Some even give up their dreams and well paid jobs so that they can bring up child and husband can focus on his career.
Most married women paid less compared to their male counterpart and I dare say compared to unmarried women in private sector. The fact that a lot of their energy is invested in family is assumed. Should not they get anything in return if marriage breaks down?

Without alimony you may have less divorce, but more loveless marriage that just drags on and on. Not sure that is anyway better.