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Proceedings of an IK-bashers Conference
By: Shah Zalmay Khan
Disclaimer: This is just a work of imagination. Similarity with any person or class - alive or dead (physically or conscience-wise) will be pure coincidence.
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They say it was a chilling winter evening somewhere in Pak-Land, the land of the (not so) pure. A round-table (or may be square-table) conference was being held about the root-cause of Pak-Land's 650-year long messy issues especially terrorism. Yes, you guessed it right - it was about Taliban Khan a.k.a IK.
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Many notable lifaafists, intellect-chawals, pseudo-libidos, Peepleez, Patwaris, Haqparast zombies, easy-loaders and dieselites were in attendance. Also present in the conference hall was a commoner by the name of Zalmay.
The panellists, except the lone antagonist Zalmay, were all alike & all seemed to be victims of 'Acute IK-bashing Disposition Syndrome'. Zalmay just sat there, hearing the panellists bash the hell out of IK. However, he couldn't restrain himself any further when a panellist 'Cereal Al-CIA-da' said that Taliban Khan had sold Pak-Land. That was when the troll within Zalmay decided to jump into the debate and infuse some 'Chi-Troll' element into the one-sided bashing exercise.
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Zalmay:
How can you say IK sold Pak-Land?
Cereal:You see he has main-streamed terrorism and confused the nation by emphasizing the simpleton peace talks narrative.
Zalmay (summoning Neela Asman @SkyIsNeela):
Ohhh so it was this man and this man alone, who caused inconceivable damage to the fabric of our society (by main-streaming terrorism)? An invasion next door had nothing to do with it? The influx of more refugees did squat? Drone attacks by a foreign power on our soil were of no concern? That we were paid by the Yankees to fight 'our war' of terror bothered no one? Thousands never died in those operations? Millions of IDPs not languishing around the country? All that equates to nada? It’s all on 'Him'? And then you accuse IK of simplification? Hmm.
Subedar Major (R) Shafi:
But you see he is such a Taliban apologist. He 'justifies' their killing spree by saying the terrorists are waging a Jehad. He doesn't feel the pain of our soldiers & civilians. You see he bla bla bla bla (a 100 articles)...
Zalmay:
Dear Subedar Major (R), you are mistaken perhaps. Why don't you see the other (right side) of the mirror - to know what IK actually believes (not what you think he believes)?..... BTW I can totally understand your anger, since you missed a golden ambassadorial chance (courtesy Nehari Sharif) due to outcry by Taliban Khan's zealots. My life long Commiserations 
Lajawabdeh:
Why IK says operation in North Waziristan is not the solution? Thats why we call him a Taliban apologist, okay.
Zalmay:
IK says that because operations (alone) are really not the solution. This doesn't mean he rules out the use of force completely. He however, sets some conditions for use of force (that too targeted force). And he is not alone in saying this. Even your very own 'FATA affairs expert' Mr Safai also says the same:
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Billo Zordari-turned-Booto:
IK is a coward - Buzdil Khan you see. He is afraid of the militants.
Before Zalmay could answer Billo, Aasim Jehangira (Maula Jatt fame) jumped in.
Aasim Jehangira:
Yes yes IK is a coward. He is afraid of militants. Look at our Zordari-turned-Booto kid - he is so brave. I see another Zordari in him - incremented by 10%.
Zalmay:
Dear Billo & Jehangira, you are so wrong. Speaking from behind bullet-proof glass or tweeting bravery from behind the safety of illegal Billo-Well House Wall is not bravery. Bravery is being on ground among the masses, doing things that the militants oppose most; polio vaccinations, education etc. IK doesn't fear the militants at all. In fact he is fighting the mindset of militants by doing things the militants are ferociously against. Remember militants threatened to kill him for taking up the polio cause? But even such grave life threats didn't stop him from personally spearheading the polio campaign under the banner of 'Sehat Ka Insaf'. And IK has managed this campaign so well that even Mr Billo's provincial govt decided to copy the initiative (although their ill-planned campaign has been struggling since inception).
Roza Gloomi:But he does not condemn the terrorists 'by name'.
Zalmay:
That is factually incorrect Mr Gloomi. IK has unequivocally condemned the terrorists dozens of times, 'by name' and otherwise. Is that all you got?
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Gloomi:
Okay he may have condemned but he is getting our soldiers & civilians killed.
Zalmay:What? How can that be logical? How is IK getting soldiers killed?
Marvi Hundred (Kg):Well you see. IK is not letting terrorists be eliminated once and for all. So he is responsible for the deaths.
Zalmay:How on earth can IK stop terrorists from being eliminated? Is army under him? No. Is FATA under him? No. Even if IK is opposing operations, he is not the ruler dammit. Remember you voted in someone by the name of Nehari Sharif - not IK - as the Prime Minister. He is responsible - not IK.
Athar Nasru-Minallah al-Wakeel-al-CJ:But you see IK is opposing the operations otherwise all other parties (PMLN/PPP/ANP/MQM) are in favour of a full-scale operation in North Waziristan. Only IK is hindering it.
Zalmay:Dear Nasru-Minallah Saheb, so basically what you are saying is that IK with his 35 odd MNAs (out of 342 total NA strength) is not letting the 300+ pro-operation MNAs (PPP+PMLN+ANP+MQM etc), the federal govt and the army to launch an operation that they all (except IK) consider critical for Pak-Land's existence? What a pity & what a shame that these morons don't have the guts to take such an essential step (even if they deem it ultimately necessary for the country). Who is to blame here? What does 'Azad Adliya' say?
Puncture Seeti:But you see Mian Nehari Sharif is very possessive about his vote bank and he doesn't want to launch operation because he fears IK will use it against him politically. That is why he can't act.
Zalmay:So Mr Puncture Seeti, what you imply is that Nehari Sharif is so afraid of IK that he does everything according to his wishes? Fine. IK also opposes corruption. Has Nehari Sharif stopped that due to fear of losing vote bank to IK? IK also opposes youth loan scheme, laptop scheme etc. Has Nehari Sharif stopped them fearing IK's displeasure? IK also opposes Mansha-ization (sorry privatization) of state assets. Has Nehari Sharif stopped that process due to IK's fear? IK also opposes loadshedding, inflation, currency printing and Rupee devaluation. Has Nehari Sharif stopped all these? IK also opposed removal of NADRA Chairman, appointment of PCB Chairman etc. Did Nehari Sharif abandon his plans just because of IK's fear? Above all IK also opposed rigging & punctures. Did IK's fear stop Nehari Sharif or you from doing '35 punctures'? So please do not give us this crap that "Nehari Sharif can't act because he fears losing his vote bank to IK".
Mr Daayen S-HRW (Selective Human Rights Watch)But IK is indeed a Taliban apologist because he wants talks with those who kill our soldiers & civilians and opposes operations against them.
Zalmay:
Mr Daayen (read in Urdu), are you not the same person who conducted a hearing at the Yankee Congress about Pak-Land army's atrocities in another province of Pak-Land? And you vehemently opposed use of force against those who 'kill our soldiers & civilians' in that province. What should we call this? Hypocrisy? Double standard? or Libido Karma?
AajKammi Khan Ke Sath:
Lekin janab Taliban Khan Saheb ka nukta-e-nazar bohut kamzor hai. Wo kehte hein ke in darindon ke sath sirf baat-cheet ki jaye chahe wo musalsal hamare jawano ko qatal karte rahein. Haqeeqat ye hai ke IK dehshat-gardon ka muhra ban gaye hein aur qatl-o-gharat me shamil hein.
Zalmay:
Janab AajKammi Khan Saheb aap jo farma rahe hein wo sar aankhon par lekin aap jo farma rahe hein wo seedhi saadhi BAKWAS hai aur is me Lifaafay ki boo saaf aa rahi hai.
AajKammi Khan Ke Sath:
Janab aap personal attacks na karein. Policy ka jawab dein.
Zalmay:
Well the personal attack was in response to personal attack, so NO SORRY. Coming to the policy point. What IK believes and PTI has officially stated is that 1) you need to understand this war first. 2) Then know the players of this terrorism game being played in the region. After that know the strengths of militants and the State's weaknesses. And finally go for a whole-some solution to cure the problem. Operations alone have not solved the problem in last 10 years (only aggravated it) and will not solve it in next 10 years.
Jiyala Munir38:
I call IK a Taliban apologist because he says force is no solution to the problem. Look terrorists controlled 18 administrative units few years ago. We cleared 17 out of those 18 units from terrorists through force (not dialogue). The remaining one, North Waziristan can also be cleared by force.
Zalmay:
So impressive Sir. Just a few queries (considering the operations were really that successful):
a) If South Waziristan is 'clear', why 4 Lac Mehsud IDPs are still languishing in Tank/DIK? Why can't army leave Swat/Dir/Khyber/Bajaur even after 5 years?
b) If Khyber is clear, why Peshawar is attacked almost daily from within Khyber & why dozens of polio workers/Khasadars killed there in 2-3 months?
c) If Mohmand/Bajaur/Dir/Swat operations broke the back of terrorists, how come they killed General Sanaullah, shot Malala Yousafzai, routinely attack border posts from across Durand and killed the 23 FC soldiers?
d) What if North Waziristani militants too cross over into Afghanistan (like Fazlullah) and become a never-ending headache?
Jiyala Munir38:
You can never beat an ignorant man in argument.
Zalmay:
Agreed Sir. I am beginning to realize that 
Neem Hakeem Zapata:
Neem Hakeem Zapata @NeemHZapata Mar 2Why do 99% mentally disturbed Pakistanis on Twitter have a pic of IK on their DPs? You humans: why can't you have my pic as DP? I'm the epitome of reverse-evolution
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Zalmay:
Mr Zapata, not all Pakistanis have undergone Darwin's evolution in reverse yet. You were the prototype Homo sapien chosen to take the reverse-evolution route. So kindly spare us the misery of having your pic as DP. Regards.
Marvi Hundred (Kg):
You filthy mother****er Taliban Khani troll, I know how to deal with you nasty abusers.
Zalmay:Where did I abuse you Ms/Mrs/Mr (whatever applies)? I just gave my point of view and responded to everybody's questions 'in coin'. In fact its you who is being abusive right now. No?
Marvi+Shafi+Cereal+Gloomi+Daayan+Zapata+AajKammi+Lajawabdeh (Baa-Jamaat):You are just another Taliban Khani troll. BLOCKED. (Zalmay kicked out of the conference hall). Bushra Johar, Kabaddi Factor, Dr Mazaqi, Allah Wasaya Jaleel, Bahadur Billo Zordari and Farrukh Khan Toffee tweet about the bravery of the IK-basher brigade who successfully kicked the lone antagonist Zalmay out of the hall.
Gloomi:
Nek Parveenish. Bas kal ka show isi pe rakhna okay. Shireen Bedari ko bhi invite kar lena. Dimagh kharab kar diya in ke Na-Insafi trolls ne.
And on the way out of the conference hall, Zalmay is escorted by Sayeen Khewro (perhaps the most reasonable one he encountered). Sayeen tells him how the disproportionate IK-bashing that most of the time borders at double standards & utter hypocrisy is an ultimately necessary business tactic because 'IK-bashing sells'. He asks him to get used to it
The writer is a tribesman from Bajaur Agency (FATA) and tweets at @PTI_FATA .
(No official association with PTI)
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