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No, India will win any war against Pakistan
For every Taher Shah, we have a Kamaal R Khan. See, you're the loser. Always.
HUMOUR
| 4-minute read | 04-10-2016
VIVEK SURENDRAN
@ivivek_nambiar
article titled "Pakistan will win any war against India". I am no stand-up comedian. In fact, I am a journalist and someone who doesn't even get jokes, like most of us Indians, and I thought it would be appropriate to give Shehzad, and Pakistan, a fitting reply.
Let me start by saying this. Shehzad, Pakistan will win any war against India, but only in its dreams. Now, let me explain why!
Firstly, you Pakistanis have pictured us Indians in a certain way. You think we lack a sense of nationalism, but mind you, that was before 2014, if you know what I mean. Post May 2014, a majority of us, leaving a few liberals and most Malayalis, are tripping on the idea of nationalism and tripping so hard that we discuss the possibilies of a nuclear war every single day, not just on social media but even over every chai and cigarette break.
By the way, can people from Azad Kashmir be called PoKemons? Photo credit: PTI
Now that I have made that clear, let me also tell you that we have a news anchor who can single-handedly ensure that at least four lakh people (based on the TRP of his show) will reach the India-Pakistan border, cross the LoC if needed, and win a war against you guys before a war even begins. He wins the hearts of millions of people in a year and has already won hundreds of thousands of wars against you already. Since I am sure you would have watched our star Shah Rukh Khan's contribution to Indian cinema, Chennai Express, over and over again, let me quote one of his dialogues - "Never underestimate the power of an Indian anchor". And this man is just one of the many such anchors we have.
From Bollywood stars to journalists to cricketers to politicians, India now has more number of patriots than the total population of your country. It doesn't matter that we are, in the end, made of the same fabric, but when we are talking about a war there is no chance that you can expect mercy. I am not going to give you the example of umpteen cricket matches we have won against your team, but do consider that as a warning from our side, a trailer of sorts. Because for us, cricket binds us more than Biriyani and patriotism. We have not forgotten or forgiven how you stole Sania Mirza from us, but you should remember that she still plays for us, and not for you.
Let me now come to a crucial point - Pakistani artists. Only because we love Fawad Khan, both for his mesmirising looks and mind-blowing acting, do not think we will fail to circulate fake articles, with bad grammar and wrong spellings, and get millions to believe that he indeed said we Indians have small hearts. Also, for every Fawad Khan we have a Nana Patekar, who dares to tell media that actors are just bed bugs before the country.
And for every Taher Shah we have a Kamaal R Khan. See, we win. Always.
Just because we love Atif Aslam, Shafqat Amanat Ali Khan, Nusrat Sahab, Rahat Sahab and the latest sensation - Momina Mustehsan - do not think we won't stop ourselves from following them on Instagram. We have it in us, and we will do it.
Sadly, we also have people like Om Puri, Karan Johar and sabka bhai Salman Khan, who might speak against the ban of Pakistani artists in India, but we already have strong accusations, on a societal level and on a personal level, to show them their place. For instance, we will shut Om Puri up by saying he has a drinking problem, and shout Karan down by saying he is gay and, Salman, the easiest of them all, by saying that he is a Muslim. We clearly win. On multiple levels, you see. We not only satisfy our sense of bloated nationalism by resorting to character assasination (read bullying) on a personal level but also satisfy the collective conscience of the public. Two in one, dude.
Since you mentioned how every Pakistani boy is indirectly trained in spy missions, let me tell you we have one half of the population defecating in the open every single day, and mostly escaping even when they are caught doing the business. We tackle an array of people, always high on drama, ranging from Arvind Kejriwal to Yogi Adityanath on a daily basis, so handling your Pervez Musharraf is child's play for us.
Coming to puns, you have lost already. We can write articles that PAK a pun(ch) in every sentence, slamming regions from IslamaBAD to PeshaWAR and defeat you without even launching a full-fledged PAKraman. By the way, can people from Azad Kashmir be called PoKemons?
Dear Shehzad, I, like many others in India, loved your article, but sure hope that we won with this reply to you.
http://www.dailyo.in/humour/india-p...r-response-to-shehzad-gias/story/1/13242.html
