Military Jokes

[PakSniper]

General and a colonel

A General and a colonel were walking down the street. Every time the general met a private he saluted and said,
" The same to you."
" Why do you keep saying that ? " asked the colonel.
" I was a private once," the general explained," and I know what they're thinking."

( Source : Pat Vaughan, Reader's Digest, Sept. 1999, p26 )


Psyched by the ISI

An insect falls into a coffee mug :

* The Englishman throws the mug away and walks out.
* The American takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
* The Chinese eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
* The Israeli sucks the drink from the insect before throwing the insect away and drinking the coffee.

The Indian accuses Pakistan of helping the insect to infiltrate into the mug, supplying it with nourishment to continue swimming in the drink, and blames it as a long term ISI operaton, terms the insect as an Islamic militant, then an Afghan mercenary, the a Pakistani army regular and finally a Pakistani SSG Commando in an undercover operation to change the status of LoC, and vows to defend every inch of the mug and every drop of the drink.

( Source : The Nation, Readers Column, Shah Affan, Ontario, Canada, Feb. 19 )

http://www.geocities.com/pk_2010/Jokes.htm


THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE ARMY:

A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp...."

A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."

A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

and a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this ****..."


Contributions will be appreciated

 

[EagleEyes]

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

 

[Contrarian]

Psyched by the ISI

An insect falls into a coffee mug :

* The Englishman throws the mug away and walks out.
* The American takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
* The Chinese eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
* The Israeli sucks the drink from the insect before throwing the insect away and drinking the coffee.

The Indian accuses Pakistan of helping the insect to infiltrate into the mug, supplying it with nourishment to continue swimming in the drink, and blames it as a long term ISI operaton, terms the insect as an Islamic militant, then an Afghan mercenary, the a Pakistani army regular and finally a Pakistani SSG Commando in an undercover operation to change the status of LoC, and vows to defend every inch of the mug and every drop of the drink.

( Source : The Nation, Readers Column, Shah Affan, Ontario, Canada, Feb. 19 )

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SUPERB I TELL YOU, SUPERB!!

 

[Neo]

LMAO!...

 

[Janbaz]

Funny as hell, comparable to the one regarding the nun by brother Rahman!

 

[GUNS-N- ROSES]

guys here are some one liners i picked up.

1. The one thing that is more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. in battle field try to look unimportant, enemy may be low on ammo.

3. No combat ready unit ever passed annual inspections.

4. Remember your aircraft was made by lowest bidder.

5. If you are short of everything other than enemy, then my friend you are in war.

 

[PWFI]

enjoy the commentry

 

[Sugarcane]

Navy Retirement bonus

The navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body..

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

it was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear lord !”, he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old chief calmly replied, ''In Vietnam''.

 

[Sugarcane]

Differences between military Aviators

Naval Aviator
On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run-up-engines signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies that all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy/Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.


Air Force Pilot
We've all seen Air Force pilots at any air force base look up just before taxiing for take-off, and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ***.


Army Aviator
If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumb up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.