Joke

[thorosius]

Divorce

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

==========

Pope and a Sikh (with apologies to Sikh bros)

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the Sikhwon, the Sikhs Could stay.

If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Harbinder Singh to represent them. Harbinder asked for one additional condition to the debate. To make it more Interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.

The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed threefingers.

Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.

Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Harbinder pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still One God common to both our religions.

Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

Then, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God solves us from our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin

He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Harbinder, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here.

I told him not one of us was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs.

I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Harbinder, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!

 

[ab041937]

Trying to check my login

Still works

 

[Neo]

Trying to check my login

Still works

Welcome back mate, long time no see!
Where have you been?

 

[doobie86]

oh man the pope and the sikh! did you guys read the one about the pathan and the sardar lol lol lol!!

 

[amjadq]

An Pakistani dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Pakistani hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Pakistani devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad >that>>the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."

 

[amjadq]

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

 

[amjadq]

Divorce

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

==========

Pope and a Sikh (with apologies to Sikh bros)

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the Sikhwon, the Sikhs Could stay.

If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Harbinder Singh to represent them. Harbinder asked for one additional condition to the debate. To make it more Interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.

The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed threefingers.

Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.

Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Harbinder pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still One God common to both our religions.

Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

Then, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God solves us from our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin

He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Harbinder, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here.

I told him not one of us was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs.

I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Harbinder, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!

hahaha

 

[amjadq]

Teacher: Why are you late?
Manu: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Manu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Manu: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Manu: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!


Teacher: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Manu: Me!

 

[thorosius]

Coca Cola salesman

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

 

[thorosius]

Marriage

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


============================================

What your mother calls your father

A college professor was doing a study testing the
senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.

He gave all of the children the same kind of
lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by
color and flavor. The children began to say:

"Red........ ......... ..cherry, "

"Yellow..... ......... ...lemon, "

"Green...... ......... ..lime,"

"Orange..... ......... ..orange. "

Finally, the professor gave them all honey
Lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments none of the
children could identify the taste."Well, " he said, "I'll give
you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes
call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out,
and yelled:

"Everybody, spit them out -- they're a**holes!!!"

rofl:Sorry ppl, had to post this!)

 

[pkpatriotic]

English is really crazy:
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

 

[Blossom]

so many whys

 

[Blossom]

Coca Cola salesman

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

hahaha

 

[pkpatriotic]

so many whys

Issi liyan sadi punjabi he theek aey ni kuriye, Bari meethi zubaan hagi si...aidey wich her baat key du matlab hondein se.....

 

[x_man]

Euroflighter was named 'Typhoon' after an intense meeting between the four major European partners some years ago..........it went like this:


UK: "We need a name for this new jet. We don't think that ‘Spitfire II’ would be terribly suitable, so we suggest following on the 'wind' tradition started by Tornado. How about 'Tempest'?"

Germany: "Nein! Ve are with this not happy being. Verdammte Englanders did my father in his Me262 mit ein Hawker Tempest shoot down. Ve suggest Sturm!"

UK: "No, sorry old chap. Too many memories of Storm Troopers goose-stepping across Europe..... We'd prefer 'Hurricane'"

Germany: "Nein. This is not possible."

UK: "OK - something else then. How about 'Typhoon'.....?"

Germany: "Nein! You also had those in the Second Weltkrieg. Ve do NOT vant unser aircraft so named being"

UK: "Ah - but you had a 'Typhoon' or rather 'Taifun' as well. Bf 108 Taifun, if you recall. In fact Lufthansa still have one in the Deutschen Lufthansa Berlin-Stiftung....along with a Ju 52!"

Germany: "Ach Himmel! Sie haben recht. Ve did indeed. Perhaps ve can consider this?"

UK: "OK - perhaps. Or what about 'Cyclone'? No-one has ever had any aeroplane called 'Cyclone'?"

Germany: "Hmm. Sehr interesting. Zis ist perhaps OK. Ja - ve are liking 'Cyclone', oder, wie sagt man auf Deutsch, 'Zyklon'. Ve can fur das Singleseaterflugzeug 'Zyklon A' have, und für das Doppelseaterjagdbomberflugzeug, vielleicht 'Zyklon B'......"

UK: "Ahhh - we don't think that would be a terribly good name. We want to sell our jet overseas. We don't think that 'Zyklon B' would go down terribly well with some of our potential Middle Eastern customers......"

Germany: "Ach so. Perhaps then ve should agree on 'Taifun'!"

UK: "Yes. ‘Typhoon’ it is then. Great, anyone for lunch ?"

Germany: "Danke"

Italy: "Lunch? Si, we agree."

Spain: "Qué?"

Meeting over…...