Joke

[fallstuff]

Microsoft Waiter




Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

 

[fallstuff]

If General Motors Were Like Microsoft


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you have would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

[fallstuff]

Blond Officer stops Speeding Blond



A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

 

[fallstuff]

A Chick With Long Legs



A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

[fallstuff]

Factory Workers



In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

 

[fallstuff]

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION



Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________

KNOWLEDGE:
1.____ The son of a b***h really knows his sh**
2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3.____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
4.____ Brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:
1.____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women
2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his a**
3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
4.____ Couldn't count his ba**s and get the same number twice

ATTITUDE:
1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses a** frequently)
2.____ Brown noser in poor standing
3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job
4.____ Doesn't give a s**t, never did, never will

RELIABILITY:
1.____ Really a dependable little ****sucker
2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the ******* door
4.____ Totally worthless

APPEARANCE:
1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair
2.____ Looks great at evaluation time
3.____ Dirty, ******, smelly son of a *****
4.____ Flies leave fresh dog s**t to follow him

PERFORMANCE:
1.____ Goes like a son of a b***h, if there is money in it for him
2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time
3.____ Works only if kicked in the a** every two minutes
4.____ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma

LEADERSHIP:
1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results
2.____ Occasionally gets told to get screwed
3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get screwed
4.____ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat

I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge I am as screwed up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiencies.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE ________________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE ________________________

 

[fallstuff]

MORE EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION



# "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

# "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

# "I would not allow this employee to breed."

# "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

# "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a *** in a trap."

# "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

# "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

# "He claims to have two brains, well one is lost , and the other went looking for it"

# "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

# "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

# "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

 

[fallstuff]

60-year-old man


A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

 

[fallstuff]

Little Old Lady Bets The Bank


A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your ba**s will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his ba**s to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the ba**s by noon today ! "

 

[fallstuff]

Too smart for the 1st grade


A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The

teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is

in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's
office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade

should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think

Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The

principal and Little Johnny both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a

dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"

Little Johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver"


Little Johnny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his

a** in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself

 

[fallstuff]

Arrogant American Soldier



An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and wailed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,

“You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. You make hot tea, then you add ice to make it cold. You add lemon to your tea to make it tangy, then add sugar to make it sweet."

And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bi**h out the window.”

 

[fallstuff]

"MILITARY BRAVERY"



An Army general, a Marine general and a Navy admiral are all sitting around discussing whose service is better and whose troops are the bravest.

The admiral (well into his second or third iced tea) announces to the group, "My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible!" as he reaches for the phone. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.

When all three representives have arrived, the admiral states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first." Turning to the SEAL, he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark-infested waters, climb up that sheer cliff and return with two bird eggs... unbroken of course."

The SEAL (being the highly-trained soldier that he is) took off running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the ten miles of ocean (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs over to the admiral and hands him the two unbroken eggs.

The Army general says, "That wasn't nothing," and turning to the Ranger he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the four miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back two eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Ranger moved out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the two eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the general, the Ranger hands him the eggs.

The Marine general then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery" and turning towards his Force Recon Marine he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, through the four miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back two eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Marine looks at the general, then the cliff, and again back to the general, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!" renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The general turns towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, that's BRAVERY."

 

[Hulk]

Too smart for the 1st grade


A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The

teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is

in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's
office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade

should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think

Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The

principal and Little Johnny both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a

dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"

Little Johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver"


Little Johnny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his

a** in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself

Good one enjoyed.

 

[Hulk]

"MILITARY BRAVERY"



An Army general, a Marine general and a Navy admiral are all sitting around discussing whose service is better and whose troops are the bravest.

The admiral (well into his second or third iced tea) announces to the group, "My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible!" as he reaches for the phone. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.

When all three representives have arrived, the admiral states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first." Turning to the SEAL, he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark-infested waters, climb up that sheer cliff and return with two bird eggs... unbroken of course."

The SEAL (being the highly-trained soldier that he is) took off running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the ten miles of ocean (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs over to the admiral and hands him the two unbroken eggs.

The Army general says, "That wasn't nothing," and turning to the Ranger he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the four miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back two eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Ranger moved out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the two eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the general, the Ranger hands him the eggs.

The Marine general then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery" and turning towards his Force Recon Marine he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, through the four miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back two eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Marine looks at the general, then the cliff, and again back to the general, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!" renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The general turns towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, that's BRAVERY."

Mind blowing.

 

[fallstuff]

Little Johnny in Love


Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."