Joke

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Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Thermodynamics Professor Robert Schambaugh of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "Why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. The final for Spring Semester 1997 was no different. It contained only one question:

“Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls to the volume must remain constant.

This gives two possibilities:

1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during freshman year ("It will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you"), and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in establishing a sexual relation with her, then #2 cannot be true, and therefore hell must be exothermic.

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

 

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The Bar Joke

Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.

After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.

The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"

The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.

"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing."

He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.

The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.

Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

 

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Rabbi vs IRS Taxman


After getting a job at the IRS, a young hotshot gets His first assignment, auditing an aging rabbi.
Arriving at the synagogue, he decides to have a little fun. Rabbi, he says, what do you do with your candle drippings?
Well, the elderly rabbi replies in surprise, we send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free candle.
I see, the taxman says. And what about the crumbs from your table?
The rabbi looks at him, again taken aback. Well, we send them to the matzo-ball factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free jar of matzo balls.?
Nodding, the auditor asks His final question. So tell me,? he asks, furrowing His brow, what do you do with the foreskins from circumcisions?
By now, the rabbi is fed up. " Well, we send them to the IRS", he answers slowly. "And every once in a while, they send us a little pr*ck like you . "

 

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Classic Your Mama Jokes



Your momma's so dumb it takes her two hours to watch the show "Sixty Miniuts"


Your momma's so dumb she stayed up all night studying for her blood test.



When u were a baby, u were so ugly , your mama had to feed you with a slingshot.



Yo Mamma's so stupid that when she goes to a movie theatre and saw under 18 not admitted, she went home and got 17 of her friends.



Yo Mamma's so stupid she stayed in the grocery store for one day looking at a can of orange juice just because it said concentrate.


Yo Mamma's so stupid that she got run over by a parked car.


Yo Mamma's so stupid she blinked and got lost

 

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The Birds and The Bees


Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have s**, I've got nothing left to live for!"

 

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Who is God?


Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"

His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."

Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'

His Dad says, "Both. God is both."

Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

 

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Dealing with a lawyer


A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

 

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Punishment for Bill Gates


Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

 

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Car break trouble


A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

 

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Cat Scan

One morning, Kevin wakes up to find his dog dead, lying next to his bed. He can't quite believe it, so decides to take him to the vet. The Vet takes one look at the dog and says, "Kevin, I'm truly sorry, but your dog is dead."

"No. He can't be dead. I demand a second opinion!" replies Kevin.

The doctor nods and agrees. He goes into the back room and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog, bites it, looks at the vet and softly says, "Meow."

The vet again says, "I'm sorry but your dog is truly dead."

Kevin says, "No!, I don't believe it, I want another opinion."

The vet nods and brings out a Labrador Retriever, which then begins to jump all over the dead dog, tugging at it before sadly barking, "Woof roof woof!"

The vet says, "Sir, your dog is dead. That will be 400 dollars."

" $400 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims Kevin.

"Well," the vet replies, "I charge 50 dollars, the cat scan is 200 and the lab test is 150 dollars..."

 

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Insulting Parrot


This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

 

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Advertising


A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

After a while, she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins,” then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove swelling.”

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, “William’s Stick Did The Trick.”

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

The case was dismissed.

 

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English is really crazy


There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

 

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Contractor from New York


Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, one from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of their tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. Upon discovering they were all contractors, the guard said to them, “Hey, we need some work done on the fence in the back…care to take a look and give me an estimate?”

Mr. Florida stepped up first. He took out his tape measure and pencil, whipped out a pocket calculator, and after a few moments replied, “Well Sir, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Mr. Texas was next. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some math, and came back saying, “It’ll cost you about $700: $300 for materials, $300 for labor, and $100 profit for me.”

Without moving an inch, Mr. New York immediately said, “$2,700.”

Taken aback, the guard looked at him incredulously and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How in the world did you come up with such an astronomical figure?!?”

“Easy,” Mr. New York replied, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you…and we hire the guy from Texas.”

 

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Questioning the Devil

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"