Is it advisable to agree to marry whom your parents, elders approve of but you're not interested in?

[Dubious]

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

Does your family allow men and women to talk? If yes, try to talk to her...get engaged if that is the necessary minimum and then talk to her.

Well, your moms issue can be handled by hiring a nurse for longer hrs?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

You will have to deal with the wife for the rest of your life...are you ready for such commitment?

Rest is do Istikahara!

 

[war&peace]

WOW!!! Mujhe aisi larki mil jaye. Man you are so lucky in this respect!!

I think he wants a society or social girl who socialise with his friends and can move through the society.. a liberal and smiley one

 

[Trango Towers]

Hey it is a very wise decision to seek help from good people.
Islam definitely values the consent for the girl and boy for the marriage and in fact the nikkah is invalid if the consent has not been obtained. However liking and disliking are subjective and bound to change over time and with circumstances. I have seen people who hated to everything non-mutton to happily eating plain lentils as the circumstances changed.

I can related to your situation since I had some similar experience with little difference. As soon as I finished my Bachelors, my parents started to push me to get married and I couldn't understand it because I had plans to do MS and establish myself as an independent person before I could get married. But my family kept a steady pressure on me so I conjured up a smart scheme that I would meet all prospective candidate (girls and/or their families) and would reject them for one reason or the other..She is short, she is too bold, she talks a lot, blah blah ..my objective was to delay it until I got my business running..the time kept passing and I graduated and started my business but, in the mean while, my dear mother departed.... She was suffering from cancer but my family kept it secret so that I could focus on my studies but at the same time, she wanted to see me married in her life. I got married two years after her death but I have live with the guilt.

So please evaluate & review your preferences, liking and disliking and if there is a way and a few things you can ignore or settle then please don't waste the time. However, if there's something that you cannot compromise at all then be very open with your family and tell them honestly and find an unanimous solution.

Your mom introduced you to bald girl....I thinking mom had a sense of humour (I know u r joking)
U have given him good advice

 

[war&peace]

Your mom introduced you to bald girl....I thinking mom had a sense of humour (I know u r joking)
U have given him good advice

Where did I say that?
I said bold girl...there's huge difference in bald or bold though a bold girl can be bald or half bald but those are definitely not my type anymore

 

[nang2]

It is usually fine for men but it is a torture for women. Women need love in order to be intimate. Men need intimacy in order to love.

 

[Lagay Raho]

My mother's Parkinson's and neurological disorder has really accelerated at record speed in the last 2 years especially in the last 6 months.

She used to be a strong solid active independent woman all her life and now her world has completely turned upside down and now she is completely dependent on her kids, relatives and friends. Her day to day functioning, speech has been badly affected and it scares the daylights out of us imagining her having to climb stairs. We have miraculously got her to agree to a part time helper who comes 3 days a week for 2 hours but she clearly needs a lot lot more.

In the last 6 months I have seen her breakdown a good 30 times because of her condition and the fact she knows she isn't what she used to be. We have all tried our best to help her and make her comfortable as much as possible but there are times when even my dad gets very distressed by her emotional blackmailing.

My dad was looking forward to working for the next 5 years at his high profile job given that he has always been a workaholic all his life but he is now contemplating quitting and retiring much earlier than he anticipated and my biggest fear is that taking care of my mom full time is going to take a toll on him and I have observed many people go downhill rapidly after retirement.

So far my baby sister was keeping an eye on mom while me and dad went to work. But this week my baby sister got married and has moved to the next phase of her life. My biggest fear is that this is going to have a huge toll on my mom and my baby sister and mom were extremely close and her no longer being around is going to have an adverse impact.

I myself am not reassessing my professional direction and I now want to quit accounting and perhaps now try hard to get into a govt job so that I can have much friendly work hours and can be home at frequent time periods and be free on the weekends as well.

I am now 35 years old and the only unmarried child left now and am next in line. My moms condition has been clearly visible to all my extended relatives, grand mother, aunts. They have all told me along with my dad that if my age alone wasn't enough of a problem, my mother's condition is now going to be a big problem and now definitely no parent will give their daughter out of fear that their daughter is going to be burdened with taking care of her.

There is a family who are our extended relatives and they have constantly been lobbying with my grandmother, extended relatives behind the scenes for the last 6 years to get my parents to make a proposal for their daughter for me.

I never personally had any problem with the girl or her family. In fact the biggest plus point is that the girls parents are extremely wonderful shareef people who according to my parents, elders will actually love, respect me like a son and overlook my poor social skills, Aspergers Syndrome and are prepared to accept our union knowing my moms condition. My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

My aunt broke down today while lobbying and trying to convince me to accept the girl and the family and be considered to my parents especially my mom and her condition.

A few years ago I would have been like, hell with it, il wait patiently till the right person comes along irrespective of how old I get, but now the situation is completely different and I now would like to give my parents especially my mom comfort and peace of mind by settling down before her condition really deteriorates.

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks as the family pressure is really getting brutal and I don't think I can deal with my moms emotional blackmailing anymore. Would love to hear people share their opinions, experiences and anecdotes.

you can know someone for 10 years but when you get married they are completely different, so you can never know for sure. my advice is (something that i did and im very happy) to simply leave it to Allah, say that whatever he decides however he decides will be for better. so go with the flow if it happens it happens. this way you dont have to think too much and listen to people's bakwaas and rest assured that Allah is the guarantor of your marriage success.

 

[Rusty]

As a fellow Canadian Pakistani I want to say that we are not in Pakistan and we are not in the 1500s.

It is immoral and unethical to marry someone so that she can become some kind of care giver to your parents.

You and your family seem to be doing well, you can pool your resources to hire someone to take care of your mother. If you need specialized care, there are institutions that will help you and your family.

I have a similar story minus the illness. If you marry someone you don't want to, you will resent it and it WILL destroy everyone's relationships. So it's in everyone's interest to not force things on you.

My advice is to marry someone who is their own person, has a career, hobbies, etc.

 

[Sabretooth]

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

I understand that you are now stuck in a rock and hard place but in reference to the dilemma your mentioned in the above paragraph I can only tell you that many successful marriages have been based on a lot less. Furthermore, please watch the below video clip;

 

[Imran Khan]

do not marry at any cost . just stand up once forever

 

[PDF]

Love fades away with time and children are themselves the strongest bond between both parents.
The decision you shall take depends on what is your priority. Will your rejection of this proposal upset your mother and family and can you handle their anger? Will you be okay and not guilty for such actions? And also that if you do marry her, will you be okay and let go of your dreams wishes you had regarding your dream wife if she doesn't turn out the way you wanted?
It depends which you consider more significant, your wishes or your parents...
And people change, so can your wife...If she is ready to accept your flaws( we all have some), you should also accept hers. You already are of marriageable age infact at the upper limit, and maybe you don't find the wife you want, and then later, regret not following your parents wishes...Anyway, hope you can make your decision soon. And whenever you sit down to think about this proposal, do the 5-2-7 breathing excercise... It will help you.
P.S: I am in no way qualified to give advice and much younger and single...so, take advice from old and experienced people too. And have faith in Allah Almighty!

 

[Arsalan 345]

I think it's better to find someone who can take care of your mom.health of your mother is important and not your marriage.from your post,it looks like you aren't feeling attracted towards her.a good woman will come in your life at any time but sacrificing your life is not the solution.even in larger picture,it will not help you.emotions for someone is important.you should better try to find a part time or full time job and hire a girl to take care of your mother.if the girl you hire takes good care of your mother,marry her.this is the easiest solution.marrying relative daughter is not the solution.she live alone all time and most probably don't like hangouts.it will be a sacrifice if you marry her.hire a girl.watch how she treats your mom.if she treats well,marry her.

 

[zain41]

It’s really this simple..no it is not advisable to marry someone you don’t like...
-you will ruin her life
-you will make yourself miserable
-you will blame your parents for the mess that is made telling them you married that person because of them

 

[Darth Vader]

My mother's Parkinson's and neurological disorder has really accelerated at record speed in the last 2 years especially in the last 6 months.

She used to be a strong solid active independent woman all her life and now her world has completely turned upside down and now she is completely dependent on her kids, relatives and friends. Her day to day functioning, speech has been badly affected and it scares the daylights out of us imagining her having to climb stairs. We have miraculously got her to agree to a part time helper who comes 3 days a week for 2 hours but she clearly needs a lot lot more.

In the last 6 months I have seen her breakdown a good 30 times because of her condition and the fact she knows she isn't what she used to be. We have all tried our best to help her and make her comfortable as much as possible but there are times when even my dad gets very distressed by her emotional blackmailing.

My dad was looking forward to working for the next 5 years at his high profile job given that he has always been a workaholic all his life but he is now contemplating quitting and retiring much earlier than he anticipated and my biggest fear is that taking care of my mom full time is going to take a toll on him and I have observed many people go downhill rapidly after retirement.

So far my baby sister was keeping an eye on mom while me and dad went to work. But this week my baby sister got married and has moved to the next phase of her life. My biggest fear is that this is going to have a huge toll on my mom and my baby sister and mom were extremely close and her no longer being around is going to have an adverse impact.

I myself am not reassessing my professional direction and I now want to quit accounting and perhaps now try hard to get into a govt job so that I can have much friendly work hours and can be home at frequent time periods and be free on the weekends as well.

I am now 35 years old and the only unmarried child left now and am next in line. My moms condition has been clearly visible to all my extended relatives, grand mother, aunts. They have all told me along with my dad that if my age alone wasn't enough of a problem, my mother's condition is now going to be a big problem and now definitely no parent will give their daughter out of fear that their daughter is going to be burdened with taking care of her.

There is a family who are our extended relatives and they have constantly been lobbying with my grandmother, extended relatives behind the scenes for the last 6 years to get my parents to make a proposal for their daughter for me.

I never personally had any problem with the girl or her family. In fact the biggest plus point is that the girls parents are extremely wonderful shareef people who according to my parents, elders will actually love, respect me like a son and overlook my poor social skills, Aspergers Syndrome and are prepared to accept our union knowing my moms condition. My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

My aunt broke down today while lobbying and trying to convince me to accept the girl and the family and be considered to my parents especially my mom and her condition.

A few years ago I would have been like, hell with it, il wait patiently till the right person comes along irrespective of how old I get, but now the situation is completely different and I now would like to give my parents especially my mom comfort and peace of mind by settling down before her condition really deteriorates.

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks as the family pressure is really getting brutal and I don't think I can deal with my moms emotional blackmailing anymore. Would love to hear people share their opinions, experiences and anecdotes.

May Allah bless you and your family, in this and next life.

 

[Clutch]

My mother's Parkinson's and neurological disorder has really accelerated at record speed in the last 2 years especially in the last 6 months.

She used to be a strong solid active independent woman all her life and now her world has completely turned upside down and now she is completely dependent on her kids, relatives and friends. Her day to day functioning, speech has been badly affected and it scares the daylights out of us imagining her having to climb stairs. We have miraculously got her to agree to a part time helper who comes 3 days a week for 2 hours but she clearly needs a lot lot more.

In the last 6 months I have seen her breakdown a good 30 times because of her condition and the fact she knows she isn't what she used to be. We have all tried our best to help her and make her comfortable as much as possible but there are times when even my dad gets very distressed by her emotional blackmailing.

My dad was looking forward to working for the next 5 years at his high profile job given that he has always been a workaholic all his life but he is now contemplating quitting and retiring much earlier than he anticipated and my biggest fear is that taking care of my mom full time is going to take a toll on him and I have observed many people go downhill rapidly after retirement.

So far my baby sister was keeping an eye on mom while me and dad went to work. But this week my baby sister got married and has moved to the next phase of her life. My biggest fear is that this is going to have a huge toll on my mom and my baby sister and mom were extremely close and her no longer being around is going to have an adverse impact.

I myself am not reassessing my professional direction and I now want to quit accounting and perhaps now try hard to get into a govt job so that I can have much friendly work hours and can be home at frequent time periods and be free on the weekends as well.

I am now 35 years old and the only unmarried child left now and am next in line. My moms condition has been clearly visible to all my extended relatives, grand mother, aunts. They have all told me along with my dad that if my age alone wasn't enough of a problem, my mother's condition is now going to be a big problem and now definitely no parent will give their daughter out of fear that their daughter is going to be burdened with taking care of her.

There is a family who are our extended relatives and they have constantly been lobbying with my grandmother, extended relatives behind the scenes for the last 6 years to get my parents to make a proposal for their daughter for me.

I never personally had any problem with the girl or her family. In fact the biggest plus point is that the girls parents are extremely wonderful shareef people who according to my parents, elders will actually love, respect me like a son and overlook my poor social skills, Aspergers Syndrome and are prepared to accept our union knowing my moms condition. My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

My aunt broke down today while lobbying and trying to convince me to accept the girl and the family and be considered to my parents especially my mom and her condition.

A few years ago I would have been like, hell with it, il wait patiently till the right person comes along irrespective of how old I get, but now the situation is completely different and I now would like to give my parents especially my mom comfort and peace of mind by settling down before her condition really deteriorates.

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks as the family pressure is really getting brutal and I don't think I can deal with my moms emotional blackmailing anymore. Would love to hear people share their opinions, experiences and anecdotes.

If are asking questions of such nature on an online forum then you are not ready to get married to anyone under any circumstances.

Just saying...

 

[Kamikaze Pilot]

I think he wants a society or social girl who socialise with his friends and can move through the society.. a liberal and smiley one

What he wants is not necessarily what is good for him. Is the grammar correct?