I do not think my female friends should come back to Pakistan

[Desert Fox]

I do not think my female friends should come back to Pakistan
By Abbas Shahid Published: February 25, 2016

More than a few friends of mine and indeed my sister faced a lot of readjustment issues when they got back into our highly patriarchal society where being a girl is harder than it is in many parts of the world.

“It is hard being back. It’s like every decision I make is not my own. I cannot even walk on the streets or go out late without my mom worrying. And do not even get me started on the questions I face about my marriage plans.”​

These words from my friend, who recently returned from her graduate degree in the UK, have become a recurring theme in my conversations with all my female friends going back home to Pakistan after living abroad.

I currently happen to live in New York, with quite a few graduate students from Pakistan. And I do not want any friend of mine, who had the fortune of being born a girl, to go back to Pakistan once they complete their degree.

Why?

Because most people in my country either hate them or do not care about them. I shall explain in just a minute.

Having lived in New York for the last two years, I am often reminded by relatives that I must come back soon to avoid the vices of this evil city that they have seen on TV. Drinking, sex, vulgarity, shamelessness – what could be worse? And even before coming here, I have wanted to give people the same answer: Us. We are worse. In fact, this place is great.

If people back home get off the self-righteous pedestal they put themselves on, and stop judging everything through their own religion, they would realise that shamelessness, vulgarity and a bunch of other scary words that we throw around are quite subjective. What is not subjective is what our nation is rife with; hypocrisy, corruption, extreme intolerance, sexual abuse, extreme societal pressures, violence, and the hatred for our women. I am not saying New York is perfect. It has more than its share of problems. All I am saying is, we are no one to point fingers.

Now that I am done with my rant, I shall explain.

More than a few friends of mine and indeed my sister faced a lot of readjustment issues when they got back into our highly patriarchal society where being a girl is harder than it is in many parts of the world.

In itself, the idea of not being able to freely walk around without being ogled or groped at is greatly dismaying. And the many people who call this a third world problem should imagine creepy outsiders invading their homes and forcing them to stay in their rooms, living that way for the rest of their lives, and only venturing out in groups.

Still a third world problem or is our country not our home?

Another friend of mine who is about to go back, much to her disappointment, already has her family lining up suitors for her to marry as soon as possible, without even her consent or consultation.

Another friend of mine who has always lived in Pakistan was constantly bombarded with pressure to have a child as soon as she got married.

One friend was ecstatic because she got admitted into a PhD program in the US and would soon escape a place where her every action is constantly judged by the society. And honestly, I worry for all my friends headed home this year. Such is our culture, I am not even sure if they will be allowed to meet their male friends, although that is the last of their worries at the moment.

Then there are those, both in New York and Pakistan, who keep reminding me how Pakistan is a much better place to raise a family. And every time I ask why, I am reminded of the fahashat (vulgarity) and lack of religion in America which would be bad for our children to grow up in. That makes me laugh.

Only a nation as shameless as ours can point towards other and call them fahash (vulgar). If we talk about religion, I do not know what religion we follow in Pakistan. Maybe a very mutilated version of what we call Islam, because Islam does not teach us to become the suffocating and intolerant society that we have become. And would our children be not better off away from the hypocrisy and harmful societal pressures of Pakistan, and would our children not be happier having been taught that you are free to make your choices, study your religion and have open discussions as you please?

Would we, as future parents, not be at much more ease away from a place that has rampant child sexual abuse from strangers, relatives, teachers and those we call ‘qaris’ (reciters of the Holy Quran/ religious teachers)?

Would we not be more at ease knowing that our female relatives are protected by law against sexual harassment and rape, as opposed to laws that indirectly condone them? So, I ask again, why would I want any girl I care about to move back to Pakistan when most there so clearly hate them?

By official United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation (UNSECO) figures, over 3.3 million girls were out of school in 2013. Two-thirds of our 50 million illiterate adults are women. Pakistan was the 10th worstcountry for female employment in 2011 according to International Labor Organisation.

In short, we educate women lesser than men, pay them lesser for the same jobs, give them lesser mobility and freedom, force them to marry due to societal pressures, curtail their decision making in something as personal as having a child, and constantly remind them that homemaking is their primary purpose in life. Who was claiming that we do not hate our beloved daughters?

As my graduate degree comes to an end and I plan on coming back, I wish my female counterparts did not have to. I also wish that those who are stuck in Pakistan had the option of travelling abroad and making the choice themselves. My people do not seem to care about their ‘daughters’. And unless we realise the role each one of us plays in perpetuating the status quo, whether that is through abuse, oppression or poondi which roughly translates into objectification of women, we shall keep failing not only as a state but as people.

Abbas Shahid
The author is a Marketing student at New York University and a LUMS graduate. He has worked in a host of different industries including education, corporate, research and non-profit. He travels, debates and does photography in his free time. He tweets at @abbasshahid_ (twitter.com/abbasshahid_)

@Solomon2 you should liberate your oppressed Orthodox Jewish women who are forced to shave their heads bald because their fat insecure Jewish husband's are afraid some goyim will take their wives from them. Down with Jewish patriarchy.

I read Jewish women in Israel are not even allowed to date non-Jewish men due to the insecurity of Jewish men.

 

[CHI RULES]

Even military recruits face sexual harassment in USA and numbers are very high. Don't forget what happened with Afia Siddiqui in US jails.

 

[Solomon2]

once any one has experienced west sane females even males should never return else they will remain confused as fck .. unless one can bendover backwards and mould as dictated by the pakistani society says if NOT better off staying abroad

Why the despair?

 

[Talwar e Pakistan]

Recently a female friend of mine was at a food festival in Lahore. Even though she was with a group of 6 other females they were harassed, followed, one of them inappropriately touched by groups of young boys who probably think this is good fun. And don't you dare this is not common in Pakistan. I am afraid for my sister or my wife going out to these places. And I can say from personal experience it is NOT like this in America. Sure sexual harassment is still there but here it is a SERIOUS SERIOUS crime. In Pakistan it is past time for most young boys. Sorry.

EDIT: Also please ask these women you talk of, what kind of harassment they go through each day and there is nothing they can do but bear it because that's the society we are.

This is because flirting can be considered sexual harrasment in Pakistan - here in the US; girls are used to it.

 

[insight-out]

Kabhi Karachi ao na khushbo laga ke ... Gulshan , johar , KDA , block 5 , PECHS , Tariq road , Clifton , Defense , DHA , i can go on .. these are areas where decent people live .. i never see tharki boys hooting on girls and taunting them ..yeah but if you go to banaras , kati pahari areas , than yeah there will be harassment .. thanks to people coming from KPK living in those areas and infesting them like pests

True to an extent. There is a corelation between such behaviour and the level of education and socio-economic status. Although I would not exonerate the so-called muhajirs. It is convenient to blame the other, but it is not always true.

 

[Zibago]

unfortunately except for some pockets like lahore or islamabad or dha/clifton in karachi the rest of pakistan is very intolerant towards women in public. this regressive mindset is a result of over a decade of oppressive zia rule and patronization of patriarchy. hopefully women can reclaim public spaces someday.
though i disagree with author that they shouldn't come back. they should come back, and be the change needed to prevent such opinions from existing in the future.

Actually women nowdays have it better than their grandmothers change is happening however the place is slow and uneven

 

[Talwar e Pakistan]

@Solomon2 you should liberate your oppressed Orthodox Jewish women who are forced to shave their heads bald because their fat insecure Jewish husband's are afraid some goyim will take their wives from them. Down with Jewish patriarchy.

I read Jewish women in Israel are not even allowed to date non-Jewish men due to the insecurity of Jewish men.

It this thread about Juadism and Jews? No - so lets focus on the real topic. Harrasment is a serious issue - instead of lashing out randomly against jews; why not contribute by giving your opinion and solutions?

 

[Solomon2]

@Solomon2 you should liberate your oppressed Orthodox Jewish women who are forced to shave their heads bald because their fat insecure Jewish husband's are afraid some goyim will take their wives from them. Down with Jewish patriarchy.

I read Jewish women in Israel are not even allowed to date non-Jewish men due to the insecurity of Jewish men.

This is one of those posts where I'm not sure if the author is seriously criticizing Jews or if he means readers to substitute "Pakistani", "Muslim", etc. at the appropriate points instead.

 

[pak-marine]

Why the despair?

Radical difference btw the two .. Pakistani society very very mullah controlled no matter which sect one belongs too ..

 

[Zibago]

It this thread about Juadism and Jews? No - so lets focus on the real topic. Harrasment is a serious issue - instead of lashing out randomly against jews; why not contribute by giving your opinion and solutions?

Solutions:Stricker punishments,sensitising police against such crimes and most importantly وی نیڈ ٹو ڈیولپ آ نو ٹولرنس پولیسی اگینسٹ ھیریسمنٹ ایز آ سوسایٹی جسٹ کز شی از ان وسٹرن ایٹایر ڈز نوٹ مین اٹس اوکے ٹو ھیریس ھر

 

[Pindi Boy]

shukar hai Allah ka tum b na ana wapis pehle hi bht gandagi ho gai hai

 

[CriticalThinker02]

Well it's clear according to the author the US is the bastion of women-hood while we are nothing more than backward cave dwellers because our parents encourages or want their daughters to get married and settle down or are afraid that their daughters who are living in the west might get influenced by the sexually open culture they have, worrying about them and wanting to protect them is nothing more than a fine example of misogamy and oppression, anyways let's see some statistics of the sexual attacks and harassment on women within the United States:

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).

17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.

9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.

Only 20% of female student survivors age 18-24 report to law enforcement. In comparison, 33% of female non-student survivors aged 18-24 report to law enforcement.

Women 18-24 who are enrolled in college are 3 times more likely than women in general to suffer from sexual violence. Females of the same age who are not enrolled in college are 4 times more likely.

8% of all sexual assaults occur while victim is attending school.

Lifetime rate of rape /attempted rape for women by race:

• All women: 17.6%
• White women: 17.7%
• Black women: 18.8%
• Asian Pacific Islander women: 6.8%
• American Indian/Alaskan women: 34.1%
• Mixed race women: 24.4%

15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.

• 29% are age 12-17.
• 44% are under age 18.3
• 80% are under age 30.3
• 12-34 are the highest risk years.
• Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

• 3% of boys grades 5-8 and 5% of boys in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

82% of all juvenile victims are female.

Sources:
Who are the Victims? | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

Recently a female friend of mine was at a food festival in Lahore. Even though she was with a group of 6 other females they were harassed, followed, one of them inappropriately touched by groups of young boys who probably think this is good fun. And don't you dare this is not common in Pakistan. I am afraid for my sister or my wife going out to these places. And I can say from personal experience it is NOT like this in America. Sure sexual harassment is still there but here it is a SERIOUS SERIOUS crime. In Pakistan it is past time for most young boys. Sorry.

EDIT: Also please ask these women you talk of, what kind of harassment they go through each day and there is nothing they can do but bear it because that's the society we are.

Bhai jan what you are stating is flirting which is so common within the US that every girl experiences this multiple times each day, at-least here it doesn't happen all the time.

 

[Solomon2]

...
1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape)....Sources:
Who are the Victims? | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

Thus, the vast majority of American women live their whole lives without experiencing either rape or attempted rape.

As RAINN puts it,

"[In America] rape is caused not by cultural factors but by the conscious decisions, of a small percentage of the community, to commit a violent crime. While that may seem an obvious point, it has tended to get lost in recent debates.”​

By contrast, the author contends that in Pakistan rape and harassment aren't prosecutable crimes, but are actually encouraged by Pakistan's laws.

Is there a Pakistani organization like RAINN that collects like data for Pakistan?

 

[AUz]

Another exaggerated rant by an elitist idiot who most likely belongs to a rich class of Pakistan--and has NO idea about actual problems and issues that average Pakistani faces at the hands of feudals, waderas, corrupt police, broken hospitals, and exploitative capital owners who rip Middle-class apart by keeping their wages low.

But hey, Pakistanis "hate" women. Lets talk about that.

And yes, I do know that there are lots of things need to be changed in terms of behavior towards girls in Pakistan. There should be much better public protection for girls in Pakistan and so on.

But that's not the core problems Pakistan is facing. Overseas Pakistanis like him shouldn't look at Pakistan through Western lenses--because if you do that, you'll be like this person who wrote this blog--completely void of whats happening on the ground.

For Western World, the issue of Malala was "Oh, in Pakistan women struggle to get education. Women rights!!"...While we in Pakistan know how utterly ridiculous this train of thought is.

Similarly, Western view of "women rights" in Pakistan is very, very skewed and wrong. And our wanna be idiots get influenced by this skewed view and write bs like this blogger dude has written.

Express Tribune would offcourse publish it.

 

[Solomon2]

Radical difference btw the two .. Pakistani society very very mullah controlled no matter which sect one belongs too ..

You cannot organize like-minded fellows to advocate and create change?

Another exaggerated rant by an elitist idiot who most likely belongs to a rich class of Pakistan--and has NO idea about actual problems and issues that average Pakistani faces at the hands of feudals, waderas, corrupt police, broken hospitals, and exploitative capital owners who rip Middle-class apart by keeping their wages low.

Isn't he just like you - a Pakistani studying in the U.S.?

Similarly, Western view of "women rights" in Pakistan is very, very skewed and wrong.

O.K, then why not list specifics?

 

[CriticalThinker02]

Thus, the vast majority of American women live their whole lives without experiencing either rape or attempted rape.

As RAINN puts it,

"[In America] rape is caused not by cultural factors but by the conscious decisions, of a small percentage of the community, to commit a violent crime. While that may seem an obvious point, it has tended to get lost in recent debates.”​

By contrast, the author contends that in Pakistan rape and harassment aren't prosecutable crimes, but are actually encouraged by Pakistan's laws.

Is there a Pakistani organization like RAINN that collects like data for Pakistan?

In Islam the punishment for those who commit rape is capital punishment, I am not aware of the laws enforced by Pakistan.

What Does Islam Say About Rape?