Friday Humour (Not for the easily offended!)
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SiegHeil
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Another golf story
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take
private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping
the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" Asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replies,
"just like you'd hold your wife's bre*st." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards
straight down the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No, no, no,
You're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your
husband's pe*is." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down
the fairway, about 5 feet. "That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to
---------- Post added at 11:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:12 PM ----------
Gripe Sheets
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take
private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping
the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" Asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replies,
"just like you'd hold your wife's bre*st." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards
straight down the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No, no, no,
You're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your
husband's pe*is." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down
the fairway, about 5 feet. "That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to
---------- Post added at 11:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:12 PM ----------
Gripe Sheets
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
SiegHeil
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AUTO REPAIR A blonde pushes her car into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SiegHeil
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
SiegHeil
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WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
A man needs to loose weight desperately .....nothing is working for him. One day he sees this ad in the newspaper:
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed!!!" Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to
the 3-day, 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but air and some Nike running shoes with a sign around
her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you
can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches
her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself
and is delighted to find he has lost 10lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5 day, 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth
day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs., as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company
to order the 7 day, 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous
program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years" The next day there's a knock at the door and when
he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
A man needs to loose weight desperately .....nothing is working for him. One day he sees this ad in the newspaper:
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed!!!" Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to
the 3-day, 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but air and some Nike running shoes with a sign around
her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you
can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches
her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself
and is delighted to find he has lost 10lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5 day, 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth
day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs., as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company
to order the 7 day, 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous
program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years" The next day there's a knock at the door and when
he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
SiegHeil
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
H2O3C4Nitrogen
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DINT found that funny atall..
I must admit there are afew jokes there that i did not find remotely funny either! lol
Here are afew more...
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. .......The Russians used a pencil!
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Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, I slept with your mother! The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!
The other says, Go home dad youre drunk.
------------------------------------
A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news.
Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.
That's terrible, said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.
---------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. .......The Russians used a pencil!
-------------------------------------
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, I slept with your mother! The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!
The other says, Go home dad youre drunk.
------------------------------------
A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news.
Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.
That's terrible, said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.
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