Friday Humour (Not for the easily offended!)

[mr_cool]

I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"

And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"

What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

 

[Wingman]

Hi,

You can close your eyes and walk away---no need to stare

hmmmmmmmm

 

[mr_cool]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

[mr_cool]

There's a plane flying over the Atlantic, and on board are David Beckham, George Bush, Jay-Z, a holy man and a young schoolboy.

Suddenly the plane goes into a nose - dive, and the pilot announces over the intercom that everybody needs to bail out with a parachute as the plane will crash in 60 seconds. However there are only 5 parachutes one of which is for the pilot.

So Jay-Z takes a parachute, says, "I am one of the greatest artists of the 21st century, my fans need me", and takes a pack and jumps off the plane. Next, David Becham walks to the edge and says "I am great footballer. My club and supporters need me," and grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. Next up is George Bush, who says "I am the greatest and most intelligent leader that has ever lived. The world needs me," and grabs a pack and jumps of the plane. The holy man says to the young schoolboy, "Child, I am an old man, and will be with God soon anyway. Take a parachute and live your life"

The schoolboy replies, "Don't worry sir, there's a parachute for both of us, because the greatest leader of all time took my schoolbag!"

 

[mr_cool]

3 women are stuck on an desert island. Two are brunette, and one is blonde. Sudenly a genie appears, and grants each of them one wish.

The first burnette says "i want a boat so i can go back to my country", so a boat appears and she sets off.

The second brunette says "i want a helicopter so i can fly back to my country", and a helicopter appears and she flys off.

Then the genie realises that the blonde woman is crying. so the genie says "Hey its ok dont worry - you will also get one wish. Tell me what is your wish and i will fulfill it?" and the blonde women replies "I miss my brunette friends already. I want my friends back"!!!

 

[mr_cool]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a b#tch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b#tch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A B#TCH!!!"

 

[third eye]

George Bush Sr and George Bush Jr reminiscing their respective tenures as US President.

Sr tell Jr " Son, in Iraq you made the same mistake I made with your mother - didn't pull out in time !"

 

[mr_cool]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a b#tch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b#tch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A B#TCH!!!"

Hey, did no one like this joke?? Am i the only one who found it hilarious then?! lol

Anymore, funny jokes guys? I've still got another few hours left to kill at work, before i finish today :'(

 

[mr_cool]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes", replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[Shattered]

Hi,

You can close your eyes and walk away---no need to stare

lol true dat good one mate ;D.

 

[Shattered]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a b#tch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b#tch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A B#TCH!!!"

lol loved it =D.

 

[Balance]

Time to introduce Santa-Banta Jokes!

Santa: My neighbor's son is missing.

Banta: So, what did you do?

Santa: Well, I advised him to search on Google and download when he finds his son.

 

[SiegHeil]

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

 

[SiegHeil]

airplane conversation

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl,
who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK" she said, "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." She said,
"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

 

[SiegHeil]

Engine Trouble

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced,
"One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer.
But don't worry, we have two engines left." An hour later the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight
will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left." One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and
said, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all day!"