Jazzbot
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Guy read this fantastic article, its just worth reading.
Pakistan's batting in the first Test was called a laughing stock by the great and the good (and also by Aamer Sohail, who surely falls in a category outside these margins). Following this logic, the second Test was another rip-roaring, rib-tickling, thigh-slapping gag fest. The brilliant Rahul Bhattacharya recently wrote that Pakistan's collapses are great comedy. I used to admire Mr Bhattacharya but I now find myself organising an effigy-burning in Karachi based on enlarged printouts of his Cricinfo author picture. This will, of course, solve everything.
Bitterness aside, I can see how my team's collapses are funny in a black humour sort of way. It's just a fact of human nature that we often find mirth in pitiful situations. Examples of this include the early rounds of American Idol, drunken public fistfights, and the existence of Lalit Modi. (Imagine if one could combine all three on a TV show. Somebody call Simon Cowell.)
However, if one exercises some mercy and humanity, the laughter surely croaks to a halt. Pakistan's batting has actually been rather sad and soul-destroying. Just look at young Azhar Ali, Pakistan's current Sacrifical Lamb (a position in the batting order otherwise known as No. 3 to all other cricketing nations). The innocent Azhar tries hard, but his demeanour at the crease is as vulnerable as that of one of the goats on Bakra Eid: without an itch of a hunch that his slaughter is imminent, but vaguely aware somewhere deep inside that a strange fate might just be creeping up on him.
Just looking at him breaks my heart. Every Pakistani over a certain age has a plump young nephew with that exact kind of naïve, cherubic face. Seeing him take guard is like watching a child frozen in the street, about to be run over by a bus driven by a smiling Andrew Strauss. (Does anyone else find the England captain's sweet-savage grin a trifle disturbing?)
With two Tests still to play, my sensitive heart and soft parental instincts can't take much more. What can be done to save the likes of Azhar and his fellow debutant this summer, Umar Amin?
Just look at young Azhar Ali, Pakistan's current Sacrifical Lamb (a position in the batting order otherwise known as No. 3 to all other cricketing nations). The innocent Azhar tries hard, but his demeanour at the crease is as vulnerable as that of one of the goats on Bakra Eid
I disagree with the Pakistan Cricket Board's answer, which is to not play one of them and opt instead for the bearded blunder, Mohammad Yousuf. What can I say, I'm more of a Younis Khan man myself, and due to internal divisions in the team it seems to have become a choice between one or the other, like the Stones or the Beatles. But to be fair, both these players, like both these bands, are effectively finished. Yousuf wobbling onto the pitch at Lord's would be a sight similar to Mick Jagger gyrating at Wembley Stadium, but at least Mick still gives us some satisfaction, whereas Yousuf over the past two years has made me want to paint everything black. (Apologies for the cheap song puns but unfortunately the Rolling Stones never wrote a song called "When Mohammad Yousuf Bats I Reach for my Revolver and Blast the TV Before Turning the Gun on Myself".)
What other options do we have? A change in management or coaching? Inzamam-ul-Haq has put his name forward as a possible batting mentor, but the great man is far too placid for our team. Pakistanis are at their best when angry. I suggest we bring David Cameron into the dressing room to air his views on the Pakistani nation to our players while they pad up. Centuries guaranteed, along with a third World War.
We should also change up the players. Kamran Akmal has thankfully finally been dropped, but I'm already tired of the brattish antics of his brother Umar. It's time to call up the next model from the Akmal production line. We should keep doing this until the ideal specimen is found. Indeed, how about taking Mr and Mrs Akmal to a secret lab with the nation's best geneticists and creating a super cricketer? (On reflection, someone who can just catch the damn ball would be nice.)
Pakistan should also alter the batting order. If Shoaib Malik wants to play in this team, he has to man up and play at No. 3. No other team in the world dumps a rookie at one down and tells him to fend for himself. It's like the ancient barbarian societies, who would leave their newborn babies out in the wild overnight. If the baby survived, he was a good 'un. If not, he wasn't worth all the trouble of feeding and clothing and teaching the forward-defensive.
Finally, the captain. I'm happy with Salman Butt, but his batting has suffered since he took the role. Until his appointment he was maturing into the solid opener we all dreamed he might just become, but these days he's maturing into a duck. Since they're in London, Pakistan should call on the services of the legendary Paul McKenna to hypnotise Butt into thinking he is not captain. The mind-bender would reverse the spell, of course, in time for Butt to lead the team when fielding. After all, with Yousuf and Imran Farhat, this team has enough spaced-out characters in the field. And if our batting is a comedy, our fielding can surely only be described as a gory, messy, horrifying zombie film.
So are we to laugh or to cry? We're Pakistan. What's the difference?
Imran Yusuf: Action plan for Pakistan | Page 2 | Cricinfo.com
An action plan for Pakistan
By Imran Yussef, Imran Yusuf is a writer based in KarachiPakistan's batting in the first Test was called a laughing stock by the great and the good (and also by Aamer Sohail, who surely falls in a category outside these margins). Following this logic, the second Test was another rip-roaring, rib-tickling, thigh-slapping gag fest. The brilliant Rahul Bhattacharya recently wrote that Pakistan's collapses are great comedy. I used to admire Mr Bhattacharya but I now find myself organising an effigy-burning in Karachi based on enlarged printouts of his Cricinfo author picture. This will, of course, solve everything.
Bitterness aside, I can see how my team's collapses are funny in a black humour sort of way. It's just a fact of human nature that we often find mirth in pitiful situations. Examples of this include the early rounds of American Idol, drunken public fistfights, and the existence of Lalit Modi. (Imagine if one could combine all three on a TV show. Somebody call Simon Cowell.)
However, if one exercises some mercy and humanity, the laughter surely croaks to a halt. Pakistan's batting has actually been rather sad and soul-destroying. Just look at young Azhar Ali, Pakistan's current Sacrifical Lamb (a position in the batting order otherwise known as No. 3 to all other cricketing nations). The innocent Azhar tries hard, but his demeanour at the crease is as vulnerable as that of one of the goats on Bakra Eid: without an itch of a hunch that his slaughter is imminent, but vaguely aware somewhere deep inside that a strange fate might just be creeping up on him.
Just looking at him breaks my heart. Every Pakistani over a certain age has a plump young nephew with that exact kind of naïve, cherubic face. Seeing him take guard is like watching a child frozen in the street, about to be run over by a bus driven by a smiling Andrew Strauss. (Does anyone else find the England captain's sweet-savage grin a trifle disturbing?)
With two Tests still to play, my sensitive heart and soft parental instincts can't take much more. What can be done to save the likes of Azhar and his fellow debutant this summer, Umar Amin?
Just look at young Azhar Ali, Pakistan's current Sacrifical Lamb (a position in the batting order otherwise known as No. 3 to all other cricketing nations). The innocent Azhar tries hard, but his demeanour at the crease is as vulnerable as that of one of the goats on Bakra Eid
I disagree with the Pakistan Cricket Board's answer, which is to not play one of them and opt instead for the bearded blunder, Mohammad Yousuf. What can I say, I'm more of a Younis Khan man myself, and due to internal divisions in the team it seems to have become a choice between one or the other, like the Stones or the Beatles. But to be fair, both these players, like both these bands, are effectively finished. Yousuf wobbling onto the pitch at Lord's would be a sight similar to Mick Jagger gyrating at Wembley Stadium, but at least Mick still gives us some satisfaction, whereas Yousuf over the past two years has made me want to paint everything black. (Apologies for the cheap song puns but unfortunately the Rolling Stones never wrote a song called "When Mohammad Yousuf Bats I Reach for my Revolver and Blast the TV Before Turning the Gun on Myself".)
What other options do we have? A change in management or coaching? Inzamam-ul-Haq has put his name forward as a possible batting mentor, but the great man is far too placid for our team. Pakistanis are at their best when angry. I suggest we bring David Cameron into the dressing room to air his views on the Pakistani nation to our players while they pad up. Centuries guaranteed, along with a third World War.
We should also change up the players. Kamran Akmal has thankfully finally been dropped, but I'm already tired of the brattish antics of his brother Umar. It's time to call up the next model from the Akmal production line. We should keep doing this until the ideal specimen is found. Indeed, how about taking Mr and Mrs Akmal to a secret lab with the nation's best geneticists and creating a super cricketer? (On reflection, someone who can just catch the damn ball would be nice.)
Pakistan should also alter the batting order. If Shoaib Malik wants to play in this team, he has to man up and play at No. 3. No other team in the world dumps a rookie at one down and tells him to fend for himself. It's like the ancient barbarian societies, who would leave their newborn babies out in the wild overnight. If the baby survived, he was a good 'un. If not, he wasn't worth all the trouble of feeding and clothing and teaching the forward-defensive.
Finally, the captain. I'm happy with Salman Butt, but his batting has suffered since he took the role. Until his appointment he was maturing into the solid opener we all dreamed he might just become, but these days he's maturing into a duck. Since they're in London, Pakistan should call on the services of the legendary Paul McKenna to hypnotise Butt into thinking he is not captain. The mind-bender would reverse the spell, of course, in time for Butt to lead the team when fielding. After all, with Yousuf and Imran Farhat, this team has enough spaced-out characters in the field. And if our batting is a comedy, our fielding can surely only be described as a gory, messy, horrifying zombie film.
So are we to laugh or to cry? We're Pakistan. What's the difference?
Imran Yusuf: Action plan for Pakistan | Page 2 | Cricinfo.com
