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5 reasons driving in Karachi is an extreme sport
Do you drive in Karachi? Then you probably battle rain, raging SUVs, minibuses and squeegee boys on the regular
Karachi drivers battle rain, raging SUVs, minibuses and squeegee boys on the regular -
The vexing challenges a typical Karachi motorist faces often start in their vehicle's workshops. Usually, motorists have the option of handing over their vehicles to either the more expensive authorized dealerships, where you practically need to sell a kidney to cover a mere oil change, or try their luck with a roadside mechanic.
The professional workshops are often reliable, but require far too much time in a city where functioning without a car for a day is almost impossible.
To make matters worse, you could walk in for a simple tire rotation, and will be told about a few dozen other things wrong with your ride. Ever had Google convince you that you were dying of a terminal illness after checking a simple coughing symptom? Well, it’s the same.
Roadside mechanics on the other hand are highly unpredictable. Having such a mechanic work on your vehicle is often like getting surgery from a drunken doctor with a qualification from an Axact university: “Haan, I went to fix your hose pipe, but I discovered a few other problems. One thing led to another, and you should just probably buy a new engine now.”
Several years ago I took my Nissan Sunny to one such mechanic, who replaced my fuel pump mistakenly with the wrong model from a vehicle with twice the horsepower. Unfortunately, this one was so powerful; it burst petrol through the fuel injection system, which he had also messed around with, lighting a spark that set my vehicle on fire.
Yes, this actually happened.
Exhibit A of my destroyed Nissan Sunny – Photo by author
Thankfully, I managed to escape just in time, though ended up having to sell my Nissan for scrap. Meanwhile, all the mechanic could manage was: “Ooops."
Exhibit B – Photo by author
I suppose this is as good a time as any to speak of all the other frustrations drivers face on the road.
1) Traffic signals
Normally, stopping at a traffic signal is a good way to contemplate what you have been doing with your life, or fantasize about how you would like to cover your ex-mechanic in delicious honey and toss him into a bear cave.
Unfortunately, traffic signals are no time to relax in Pakistan.
As if the claustrophobic conditions of a traffic jam weren't enough, one has to fend off the advances of squeegee boys and their roadside peers
As if by instinct, I instantly start shaking my finger at all those walking around me at a traffic signal as if to say, “No…no…no!”
Traffic signals are a little like Formula One pits stops, where you are quickly harassed by squeegee boys armed with wipers and water bottles, ready to ‘clean’ your already spotless windshield with their dirty soap water, or members of the well-meaning transsexual community, who will wish you the best, tell you how handsome you are even if you have a face that leaves little children crying, and openly pray that you have a dozen children with the woman sitting in the passenger seat next to you even if it happens to be your sister, at which point you politely remind tell them: “Our last name isn’t Lannister.”
More frustrating in the congested traffic is how some genius will decide the green signal is the right time to slowly shuffle across the street at a speed reserved for Hanif Mohammad, or to be stuck at this go time behind a driver screaming, crying or pleading for a gang of inspired squeegee boys to leave his vehicle alone.
On the rare occasion you find yourself unmolested at a traffic signal, you sit back and relax in your car, enjoying the peace in silent bliss, when you are suddenly delivered a heart attack by a beggar who chooses this exact moment to sharply rap on your window like a target killer high on angel dust.
2) Motorcyclists
Motocyclists have no qualms weaving in and out of traffic, causing one road hazard after the other in their wake – Photo: Dawn
Traffic is often congested in the city, with honking cars having the luxury of very little space between them.
Sometimes, it seems as if a motorcyclist see the tiny gaps between vehicles and says to himself, “challenge accepted.” He is determined to drive through these small spaces by doing as much damage to rearview mirrors, paint jobs and bumpers as possible.
No, you haven’t driven in Karachi without your rear view mirror smashed by a motorcyclist who turns back to glare at you in anger.
Yes Mr. Motorcyclist, after zigzagging across the road like an intoxicated snake, you hit me, and it is somehow my fault.
3) Rain
There are two moments when citizens of Karachi drop whatever it is they are doing and rush home with the uncontrolled energy of a dog at a park.
The first is when Altaf Bhai is angry – because when the brother from London is upset, you know you have to head back to the safety of your house – and the second is when it starts to rain a little.
Unfortunately, everyone else in the city also has the same bright idea at this time, leaving the city resembling a race between water buffalos across a lake. No, there isn’t a citizen in Karachi who hasn’t narrated a long horrific story of nearly drowning on the street to their therapist.
Fear of drowning on the Karachi streets should be registered as a phobia – Photos: Dawn
Worse still is how muggers take advantage of these catastrophes to make a killing. When dark clouds form on the Karachi skyline, regular people look forward to a change in weather, but thieves see the formation of opportunity. To them, a long traffic jam is nothing but a nice tasty buffet: “Honda, Toyota, Mercedes, Honda, Toyota, and Suzuki… yum!"
...
5 reasons driving in Karachi is an extreme sport
Do you drive in Karachi? Then you probably battle rain, raging SUVs, minibuses and squeegee boys on the regular
The vexing challenges a typical Karachi motorist faces often start in their vehicle's workshops. Usually, motorists have the option of handing over their vehicles to either the more expensive authorized dealerships, where you practically need to sell a kidney to cover a mere oil change, or try their luck with a roadside mechanic.
The professional workshops are often reliable, but require far too much time in a city where functioning without a car for a day is almost impossible.
To make matters worse, you could walk in for a simple tire rotation, and will be told about a few dozen other things wrong with your ride. Ever had Google convince you that you were dying of a terminal illness after checking a simple coughing symptom? Well, it’s the same.
Roadside mechanics on the other hand are highly unpredictable. Having such a mechanic work on your vehicle is often like getting surgery from a drunken doctor with a qualification from an Axact university: “Haan, I went to fix your hose pipe, but I discovered a few other problems. One thing led to another, and you should just probably buy a new engine now.”
Several years ago I took my Nissan Sunny to one such mechanic, who replaced my fuel pump mistakenly with the wrong model from a vehicle with twice the horsepower. Unfortunately, this one was so powerful; it burst petrol through the fuel injection system, which he had also messed around with, lighting a spark that set my vehicle on fire.
Yes, this actually happened.
Thankfully, I managed to escape just in time, though ended up having to sell my Nissan for scrap. Meanwhile, all the mechanic could manage was: “Ooops."
I suppose this is as good a time as any to speak of all the other frustrations drivers face on the road.
1) Traffic signals
Normally, stopping at a traffic signal is a good way to contemplate what you have been doing with your life, or fantasize about how you would like to cover your ex-mechanic in delicious honey and toss him into a bear cave.
Unfortunately, traffic signals are no time to relax in Pakistan.
As if by instinct, I instantly start shaking my finger at all those walking around me at a traffic signal as if to say, “No…no…no!”
Traffic signals are a little like Formula One pits stops, where you are quickly harassed by squeegee boys armed with wipers and water bottles, ready to ‘clean’ your already spotless windshield with their dirty soap water, or members of the well-meaning transsexual community, who will wish you the best, tell you how handsome you are even if you have a face that leaves little children crying, and openly pray that you have a dozen children with the woman sitting in the passenger seat next to you even if it happens to be your sister, at which point you politely remind tell them: “Our last name isn’t Lannister.”
More frustrating in the congested traffic is how some genius will decide the green signal is the right time to slowly shuffle across the street at a speed reserved for Hanif Mohammad, or to be stuck at this go time behind a driver screaming, crying or pleading for a gang of inspired squeegee boys to leave his vehicle alone.
On the rare occasion you find yourself unmolested at a traffic signal, you sit back and relax in your car, enjoying the peace in silent bliss, when you are suddenly delivered a heart attack by a beggar who chooses this exact moment to sharply rap on your window like a target killer high on angel dust.
2) Motorcyclists
Traffic is often congested in the city, with honking cars having the luxury of very little space between them.
Sometimes, it seems as if a motorcyclist see the tiny gaps between vehicles and says to himself, “challenge accepted.” He is determined to drive through these small spaces by doing as much damage to rearview mirrors, paint jobs and bumpers as possible.
No, you haven’t driven in Karachi without your rear view mirror smashed by a motorcyclist who turns back to glare at you in anger.
Yes Mr. Motorcyclist, after zigzagging across the road like an intoxicated snake, you hit me, and it is somehow my fault.
3) Rain
There are two moments when citizens of Karachi drop whatever it is they are doing and rush home with the uncontrolled energy of a dog at a park.
The first is when Altaf Bhai is angry – because when the brother from London is upset, you know you have to head back to the safety of your house – and the second is when it starts to rain a little.
Unfortunately, everyone else in the city also has the same bright idea at this time, leaving the city resembling a race between water buffalos across a lake. No, there isn’t a citizen in Karachi who hasn’t narrated a long horrific story of nearly drowning on the street to their therapist.
Worse still is how muggers take advantage of these catastrophes to make a killing. When dark clouds form on the Karachi skyline, regular people look forward to a change in weather, but thieves see the formation of opportunity. To them, a long traffic jam is nothing but a nice tasty buffet: “Honda, Toyota, Mercedes, Honda, Toyota, and Suzuki… yum!"
...
