The role a girls parents, siblings should play in her married life?

[Savak]

She apparently did not clear one of her USMLE exams early on and he has judged her really badly because of this. He has always been a high achieving individual and he and his family i.e. siblings have the mindset of do it or left behind, they have zero tolerance, empathy for people who are not as academically gifted as them, people with issues, people who need more time to catch up.

This is not what a marriage is about and its not suppossed to be this cut throat. Time to give some tough love to this dude. I am also beginning to suspect he perhaps did not have such a major role in his parents care as originally suspected

 

[halupridol]

She apparently did not clear one of her USMLE exams early on and he has judged her really badly because of this. He has always been a high achieving individual and he and his family i.e. siblings have the mindset of do it or left behind, they have zero tolerance, empathy for people who are not as academically gifted as them, people with issues, people who need more time to catch up.

This is not what a marriage is about and its not suppossed to be this cut throat. Time to give some tough love to this dude. I am also beginning to suspect he perhaps did not have such a major role in his parents care as originally suspected

As far as i know,,,usmle is one time shot,,,or was it once in 7yrs,,,anyway dont listen to others(including myself).
U r an adult,,n im sure u can take proper decisions urself.
As i said she can still enroll for mph n later get a good job.(financial independece is the key to empowerment,,,thts THE baseline)
But frm ur post it feels like its not about tht anymore,,,so perhaps talk wid elders)
Ps-dont listen to pdf posters,,,look most r teenagers or guys wid no social life/serious careers ,,u r better off widout thr wisdom.

 

[Genghis khan1]

Here in Karachi Educated men tend to marry at thier 30's to 20's girls

Unfortunately reality. Islam recommend getting married ASAP. But our all wise desi parents prefer their boys to jerk-off all their 20’s and then when guy starting to lose interest in life after 15-20 years of beating his monkey, they will start looking for a young girl for him. No wonder quality of life sux for an average couple there.

Gori qom ko, is ki Tension hi nhi. Tawajo sari kam per. Bus GF bano Tension hatoo.

 

[Pakistani Fighter]

Unfortunately reality. Islam recommend getting married ASAP. But our all wise desi parents prefer their boys to jerk-off all their 20’s and then when guy starting to lose interest in life after 15-20 years of beating his monkey, they will start looking for a young girl for him. No wonder quality of life sux for an average couple there.

Gori qom ko, is ki Tension hi nhi. Tawajo sari kam per. Bus GF bano Tension hatoo.

Not only in 20's. I would say it starts at 17 of age. But you do realise that money is something too. To get high position for high salary, you need loads of education and experience. Girls prefer money. Parents prefer beautiful and educated girl. Hence, Man's age goes upto 30's

She apparently did not clear one of her USMLE exams early on and he has judged her really badly because of this. He has always been a high achieving individual and he and his family i.e. siblings have the mindset of do it or left behind, they have zero tolerance, empathy for people who are not as academically gifted as them, people with issues, people who need more time to catch up.

This is not what a marriage is about and its not suppossed to be this cut throat. Time to give some tough love to this dude. I am also beginning to suspect he perhaps did not have such a major role in his parents care as originally suspected

Did she immigirated Canada all by her own?

 

[Savak]

Not only in 20's. I would say it starts at 17 of age. But you do realise that money is something too. To get high position for high salary, you need loads of education and experience. Girls prefer money. Parents prefer beautiful and educated girl. Hence, Man's age goes upto 30's


Did she immigirated Canada all by her own?

Nope, we immigrated as a family earlier, she just moved permanently later on

 

[Darth Vader]

My Baby sister immigrated to Canada in the beginning of 2018 after graduating from one of the top medical schools in Pakistan. My parents wanted her to get married afterwards as she turned 25 and I backed my parents decision.

To my parents delight they found a Pakistani American doctor in his early 30's ie my age via a referral from their professional circles of friends. The guy immediately managed to strike a very amazing impression on everyone in our family. The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor.

My parents were super impressed to discover that the guy being the eldest of his 4 siblings in his family took on the responsibility of his mothers care himself compared to the younger siblings. The guys father has set backs during the time period as he got laid off from his engineering job and was never able to find employment in his field again. Eventually he had to make a decision and he decided to operate a home based business. But bottom line the father's financial situation was precarious and he was not able to support his kids education and was battling really hard to focus on his business and his wife's illness and this is where the eldest son had to step up. The father himself developed a stroke as a result of which the right side of his body is weaker compared to the left side.

My parents especially my mom felt that given how responsibly and lovingly the son took care of his ailing mother especially was a very good sign and that he would be equally caring and compassionate towards my sister.

The other plus point for my parents naturally was that he was a doctor who had trained to become an interventionist cardiologist and given that my sister herself was a Pakistani Doctor who had plans to study for her USMLE and later do a Masters in Public Health and a PhD this would again be a very good fit as doctors should ideally marry doctors as they both understand each others fields and the academic and professional pressures involved best.

The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with.

The guy being a 5 times namazi who never missed a single prayer was a big plus for my mom.

Apparently the guy had been having a tough time getting rishtas because his mothers illness became a source of concern for the girls family members. In fact the guy has a younger sister and even she was engaged once and the engagement was called off the moment they found out about the girls mothers suffering from breast cancer and they were upset at not having being told before hand.

My sister and the guy had met in the beginning of 2018 and have literally spoken every single day since they met on social media, whatsapp and phone. He even once flew down to Canada to meet her and she flew down to the US to meet him. Eventually my parents asked my sister if she was happy and comfortable with the guy and she said yes and so did the guy. Me and my elder brother got to meet the guy in the US later on as a formality and we found the guy to be socially very confident, opinionated and an excellent conversationalist and personally we all as a family felt this was an excellent match given that my sister herself was a super talkative social personality and therefore it was imperative that she also found a guy who matched her in that regard We finally made the engagement public with our immediate family members who met the guy during a family dinner and they were super impressed with him and his ability to be charming, to create an impression, to easily talk playfully with kids and to have a mature engaging conversation with adults

They got nikaofied by the end of the year and they kept talking each and every day on the phone for 3-4 hours almost daily. He even flew down once to Canada for 3-4 days during which my sister went to live with him as she was his wife now. My baby sister used to be very close to me and would never hide anything from me and would always confide in me whenever she was upset or depressed about something. However ever since her fiancé and her husband came to her life, her attitude and opinion changed for the worst and I almost felt like she felt I was not as mature, personally, professionally as well settled as I should be and in many ways she stopped confiding with me and didn't want anything much to do with me as her entire world was her fiancé and her husband now. I accepted it as a gradual inevitability of life that everyone goes through and that everyone has the right to move on in their lives and that siblings should give each other their spaces.

The marriage ceremonies finally took place in the Summer this year and during this whole time all of us felt this was an excellent union where both the couples personality wise, education and field wise very an excellent combination for each other. However, since then so many things have come to light which have petrified me that things are not rosy, milk and honey as people expect it to be. It's almost like as if the guy has completely dropped his guard down now that he has successfully managed to marry my sister and that he doesn't have to worry about losing her.

My sister naturally speaks to only my mom and dad on whatsapp but she doesn't seem me mature enough to talk too about these things.

My first major concern about the guy and his family occurred during the Valima when the guys brother in his speech made comments that my sister should be very grateful that she did not have to work as hard as her husband, struggle and battle through tough times as her husband did during his journey to become a doctor. That speech really got me very very upset and was the first real warning sign to me about this Pakistani American family thinking they were far superior compared to Pakistanis born and raised in Pakistan. My parents, immediate and extended family members were very upset with the speech especially with the sight that my sisters husband was smiling, smirking the whole time without any feelings of offence over his brothers comments towards my sister. My parents decided to let the matter go and not make a big deal out of it in the largest interests of piece and harmony

Now I am not out here to claim my baby sister is perfect or flawless. She was born and raised in Pakistan where we enjoyed the benefit, privilege of having a nice comfortable lifestyle of servants and never had to worry about money problems. But she has battled very hard through her own problems. She was diagnosed with Dyslexia and she was having problems in keeping her numbers decent in high school because she was not naturally as gifted and bright compared to other normal bright students. But she still took on the challenge of being the only child to pursue medicine which is always a challenge for even normally bright students, battled through many resits, re examinations, sleepless nights, kept dusting herself off the floor and eventually graduated to be a doctor from the top medical school in Pakistan

It's been 3 months now since the marriage took place and a lot of troubling things keep coming to light. Apparently the guy is not exactly the loving compassionate guy that he portrayed himself to be in front of us and our family. In fact what I am learning is that he cares more about the well-being of his family ie parents, even siblings even if it comes at the expense of my sisters emotional well being. The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister

"Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

"Did you iron your father's shirts like this"

"I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

"Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

"This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family

"It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

"I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

"I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother

Now I am not trying to say here that my baby sister is perfect or doesn't have flaws like we all do, but I know for a fact that she is trying her level best to adjust and adapt to married life. She now wakes up in the morning at 6 to make sure her husband has his breakfast before he leaves for work and packs lunch for him. She helps his mother with cooking, kitchen and house work as much as possible. She makes sure when he comes home at night he has dinner immediately

The guy hounds her over spending with a fine tooth comb, if she buys a cup of coffee, women cosmetics or even groceries he keeps mentally torturing her with comments that you are financially reckless and irresponsible even though he himself has no qualms on spending as much as he wants on himself, his luxury items, his countless lunches and dinners outside.

My sister came to Toronto for a week last month and on the night of her departure he again sent her a very demeaning whatsapp message regarding her spending habits and I could over hear my sister crying like mad next to my mom "Mom, how much can I change, compromise and take? He only married me for my face, he should have married someone more suitable for him, I can't take it anymore"

My parents especially my mom are off the view point that in order for any marriage to be successful, it is the girl who has to make more sacrifices than the guy and that it is her duty to suck it up and deal with it especially when there are kids involved. My mom also have the viewpoint that my sister has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and that she needs to toughen up and accept the realities of life in her susral and married life.

They also think that in order for her to really win the respect of her new family, her husband, it is imperative for her to clear her USMLE exam, find a good residency and become an American doctor so that she has an income of her own. In fact my dad is also encouraging my sister to aim big by looking to do a masters in public health program and then a PhD so that she can have expanded career options. My dad knowing full well that her husband cannot afford the tuition amount has already set aside the money for her to fund her education.

My dad has also set up an account for them and wishes to help my sister and her husband a down payment for their first house. Which girls father is willing to provide such gifts for his son in law especially it is the son in law, his family who is responsible for taking care of his wife and her needs

Today after a long long time, my baby sister reached out to me after almost 2 years as the elder brother she had always been close to on Whatsapp and it literally felt like she was crying in front of me. She was like she was sick and tired of the emotional abuse from her husband, his demanding nature, his expectations of perfectionism, the fact he was always treating her as a servant. That she was now in a family where you either compete or get left behind, no sympathy for issues. His demands for high-quality fresh food cooked for him everyday, his unsympathetic attitude towards her studies, his comments that she is not what he expected and her frustrations with mom, dad that she tells them everything but they keep ignoring her by telling her to suck it up, deal with it, compromise, study for her exams and she in her frustration commented that her own parents had zero idea about how difficult her life was balancing married life, domestic duties and then studies because they benefitted massively from having servants in Pakistan

I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie.

I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

Anyways the reason for me creating this thread is because I need some feedback from experienced people here who have dealt with these things when their sisters have gotten married into a new family? Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy? Is there some way we can put the fear of God and consequences in the guy I can't stand my sister being miserable like this any longer.

I feel like aggressively talking to my parents now about this issue and that we need to do something about this to resolve these problems otherwise it's not going to get better on its own But before I discuss this with them, I thought I would ask everyone over here

Let me be the Devils Advocate ?. Did you guys ask that guys opinion
1st
You were insecure about your relationship with your sister. Its part of life a pair will try to give each other more importance and time
2nd
Let me suggest you guys one thing, Interference from your parents or your family will cause only more problems even if they could sort out these problems, they won't. It's their life and its start of life for both of them give them time to find thr own way.
3rd
Fault in guys, Have you seen him doing anything wrong from your own eyes ?, I m not saying hes an angel but you cant just belive one party.
4th
Problem with mentality
Western Pairs 95% dont look after parents in old age, which is not the case with Pakistani families,
This point might sting some people but be open-minded about it.
If that guy is asking just your sister to be a housemaid than its wrong but if hes helping her in family tasks I don't think anything is wrong in that and i m pretty sure she will earn good deeds for that and her husband's affection when hes sees her helping him.
5th
What if your sister is in fault? before going john Rambo did you ever thought about that point, did you talk with her letting her know what, unless he's a Bad person, who is forcing her to do haram or abusing her in any mental or physical way try to sort out the things with her husband?
6th
You will get married too in future what if you unthinkable do these things as well, will you allow anybody else's interference in your personal life.
7th
your father shouldn't provide them with money so they can buy a house, it will open another can of worms.
8
One important thing most people do house jobs themselves around the world which is not the case in Pakistan for most mid to higher class families they have maids, as you said yourself earlier so could be your sister herself is thinking the tasks which were done by maids for her are too tedious?.

My Suggestion is to check with your brother and sister in respectable way how things are going, and suggest them in a nice way if you think you felt something which was wrong.
Dont cause too much interference as its their personal life and if hes doing something wrong, its not the end of the world and Pray for them.

 

[PeaceGen]

My Baby sister immigrated to Canada in the beginning of 2018 after graduating from one of the top medical schools in Pakistan. My parents wanted her to get married afterwards as she turned 25 and I backed my parents decision.

To my parents delight they found a Pakistani American doctor in his early 30's ie my age via a referral from their professional circles of friends. The guy immediately managed to strike a very amazing impression on everyone in our family. The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor.

My parents were super impressed to discover that the guy being the eldest of his 4 siblings in his family took on the responsibility of his mothers care himself compared to the younger siblings. The guys father has set backs during the time period as he got laid off from his engineering job and was never able to find employment in his field again. Eventually he had to make a decision and he decided to operate a home based business. But bottom line the father's financial situation was precarious and he was not able to support his kids education and was battling really hard to focus on his business and his wife's illness and this is where the eldest son had to step up. The father himself developed a stroke as a result of which the right side of his body is weaker compared to the left side.

My parents especially my mom felt that given how responsibly and lovingly the son took care of his ailing mother especially was a very good sign and that he would be equally caring and compassionate towards my sister.

The other plus point for my parents naturally was that he was a doctor who had trained to become an interventionist cardiologist and given that my sister herself was a Pakistani Doctor who had plans to study for her USMLE and later do a Masters in Public Health and a PhD this would again be a very good fit as doctors should ideally marry doctors as they both understand each others fields and the academic and professional pressures involved best.

The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with.

The guy being a 5 times namazi who never missed a single prayer was a big plus for my mom.

Apparently the guy had been having a tough time getting rishtas because his mothers illness became a source of concern for the girls family members. In fact the guy has a younger sister and even she was engaged once and the engagement was called off the moment they found out about the girls mothers suffering from breast cancer and they were upset at not having being told before hand.

My sister and the guy had met in the beginning of 2018 and have literally spoken every single day since they met on social media, whatsapp and phone. He even once flew down to Canada to meet her and she flew down to the US to meet him. Eventually my parents asked my sister if she was happy and comfortable with the guy and she said yes and so did the guy. Me and my elder brother got to meet the guy in the US later on as a formality and we found the guy to be socially very confident, opinionated and an excellent conversationalist and personally we all as a family felt this was an excellent match given that my sister herself was a super talkative social personality and therefore it was imperative that she also found a guy who matched her in that regard We finally made the engagement public with our immediate family members who met the guy during a family dinner and they were super impressed with him and his ability to be charming, to create an impression, to easily talk playfully with kids and to have a mature engaging conversation with adults

They got nikaofied by the end of the year and they kept talking each and every day on the phone for 3-4 hours almost daily. He even flew down once to Canada for 3-4 days during which my sister went to live with him as she was his wife now. My baby sister used to be very close to me and would never hide anything from me and would always confide in me whenever she was upset or depressed about something. However ever since her fiancé and her husband came to her life, her attitude and opinion changed for the worst and I almost felt like she felt I was not as mature, personally, professionally as well settled as I should be and in many ways she stopped confiding with me and didn't want anything much to do with me as her entire world was her fiancé and her husband now. I accepted it as a gradual inevitability of life that everyone goes through and that everyone has the right to move on in their lives and that siblings should give each other their spaces.

The marriage ceremonies finally took place in the Summer this year and during this whole time all of us felt this was an excellent union where both the couples personality wise, education and field wise very an excellent combination for each other. However, since then so many things have come to light which have petrified me that things are not rosy, milk and honey as people expect it to be. It's almost like as if the guy has completely dropped his guard down now that he has successfully managed to marry my sister and that he doesn't have to worry about losing her.

My sister naturally speaks to only my mom and dad on whatsapp but she doesn't seem me mature enough to talk too about these things.

My first major concern about the guy and his family occurred during the Valima when the guys brother in his speech made comments that my sister should be very grateful that she did not have to work as hard as her husband, struggle and battle through tough times as her husband did during his journey to become a doctor. That speech really got me very very upset and was the first real warning sign to me about this Pakistani American family thinking they were far superior compared to Pakistanis born and raised in Pakistan. My parents, immediate and extended family members were very upset with the speech especially with the sight that my sisters husband was smiling, smirking the whole time without any feelings of offence over his brothers comments towards my sister. My parents decided to let the matter go and not make a big deal out of it in the largest interests of piece and harmony

Now I am not out here to claim my baby sister is perfect or flawless. She was born and raised in Pakistan where we enjoyed the benefit, privilege of having a nice comfortable lifestyle of servants and never had to worry about money problems. But she has battled very hard through her own problems. She was diagnosed with Dyslexia and she was having problems in keeping her numbers decent in high school because she was not naturally as gifted and bright compared to other normal bright students. But she still took on the challenge of being the only child to pursue medicine which is always a challenge for even normally bright students, battled through many resits, re examinations, sleepless nights, kept dusting herself off the floor and eventually graduated to be a doctor from the top medical school in Pakistan

It's been 3 months now since the marriage took place and a lot of troubling things keep coming to light. Apparently the guy is not exactly the loving compassionate guy that he portrayed himself to be in front of us and our family. In fact what I am learning is that he cares more about the well-being of his family ie parents, even siblings even if it comes at the expense of my sisters emotional well being. The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister

"Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

"Did you iron your father's shirts like this"

"I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

"Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

"This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family

"It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

"I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

"I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother

Now I am not trying to say here that my baby sister is perfect or doesn't have flaws like we all do, but I know for a fact that she is trying her level best to adjust and adapt to married life. She now wakes up in the morning at 6 to make sure her husband has his breakfast before he leaves for work and packs lunch for him. She helps his mother with cooking, kitchen and house work as much as possible. She makes sure when he comes home at night he has dinner immediately

The guy hounds her over spending with a fine tooth comb, if she buys a cup of coffee, women cosmetics or even groceries he keeps mentally torturing her with comments that you are financially reckless and irresponsible even though he himself has no qualms on spending as much as he wants on himself, his luxury items, his countless lunches and dinners outside.

My sister came to Toronto for a week last month and on the night of her departure he again sent her a very demeaning whatsapp message regarding her spending habits and I could over hear my sister crying like mad next to my mom "Mom, how much can I change, compromise and take? He only married me for my face, he should have married someone more suitable for him, I can't take it anymore"

My parents especially my mom are off the view point that in order for any marriage to be successful, it is the girl who has to make more sacrifices than the guy and that it is her duty to suck it up and deal with it especially when there are kids involved. My mom also have the viewpoint that my sister has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and that she needs to toughen up and accept the realities of life in her susral and married life.

They also think that in order for her to really win the respect of her new family, her husband, it is imperative for her to clear her USMLE exam, find a good residency and become an American doctor so that she has an income of her own. In fact my dad is also encouraging my sister to aim big by looking to do a masters in public health program and then a PhD so that she can have expanded career options. My dad knowing full well that her husband cannot afford the tuition amount has already set aside the money for her to fund her education.

My dad has also set up an account for them and wishes to help my sister and her husband a down payment for their first house. Which girls father is willing to provide such gifts for his son in law especially it is the son in law, his family who is responsible for taking care of his wife and her needs

Today after a long long time, my baby sister reached out to me after almost 2 years as the elder brother she had always been close to on Whatsapp and it literally felt like she was crying in front of me. She was like she was sick and tired of the emotional abuse from her husband, his demanding nature, his expectations of perfectionism, the fact he was always treating her as a servant. That she was now in a family where you either compete or get left behind, no sympathy for issues. His demands for high quality fresh food cooked for him everyday, his unsympathetic attitude towards her studies, his comments that she is not what he expected and her frustrations with mom, dad that she tells them everything but they keep ignoring her by telling her to suck it up, deal with it, compromise, study for her exams and she in her frustration commented that her own parents had zero idea about how difficult her life was balancing married life, domestic duties and then studies because they benefitted massively from having servants in Pakistan

I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie.

I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

Anyways the reason for me creating this thread is because I need some feedback from experienced people here who have dealt with these things when their sisters have gotten married into a new family? Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy? Is there some way we can put the fear of God and consequences in the guy I can't stand my sister being miserable like this any longer.

I feel like aggressively talking to my parents now about this issue and that we need to do something about this to resolve these problems otherwise it's not going to get better on its own But before I discuss this with them, I thought I would ask everyone over here

in the west, divorce is a realistic option.
maybe you should convince your sister she can have more worthy guys as her husband.

 

[Savak]

Spoke to her today. She was like the guy was ill prepared for the realities of marriage, he had mainly done it because of parental pressure but he has been very resentful of the challenging realities that have now occurred where he even resents having to share his bed and room with another person, his personal belongings, his space and on top of that the declining illness of a parent has further taken a toll and he takes all his frustrations stemming from his professional life, domestic situation all out on my sister day by day and its come to the point where she just can't take it anymore.

The guy has been spoilt by his parents, his mom who has been a house wife but has thoroughly dedicated her life to her kids in terms of providing every comfort possible at home in terms of meals, cooking their favorite dishes. He is resentful that my sister inspite of her best efforts did not live up to that standard

Tell me, as a self respecting father, brother and a girl? What do you expect us to do in this situation? Suck it up and let things carry on like this?

 

[LeGenD]

Spoke to her today. She was like the guy was ill prepared for the realities of marriage, he had mainly done it because of parental pressure but he has been very resentful of the challenging realities that have now occurred where he even resents having to share his bed and room with another person, his personal belongings, his space and on top of that the declining illness of a parent has further taken a toll and he takes all his frustrations stemming from his professional life, domestic situation all out on my sister day by day and its come to the point where she just can't take it anymore.

The guy has been spoilt by his parents, his mom who has been a house wife but has thoroughly dedicated her life to her kids in terms of providing every comfort possible at home in terms of meals, cooking their favorite dishes. He is resentful that my sister inspite of her best efforts did not live up to that standard

Tell me, as a self respecting father, brother and a girl? What do you expect us to do in this situation? Suck it up and let things carry on like this?

Refer back to my response in the first page of this thread (post # 5). I am married, and have a deep understanding of these matters (I have seen much). And I have given you a sound suggestion.

It is increasingly important for your camp (you + your parents) to request a face-to-face meeting with your sister's in laws, and discuss her marital problems with them in this meeting. You will also have their perspective and notice their behavior up close. You need this exposure to have a better understanding of this problem, and provide relevant suggestions. However, I must caution that this meeting should be scheduled with a 'positive mindset', and not to fight with your sister's in laws. Chances are that this marriage can last and the husband will come to terms with its realities.

Do not jump to conclusions on your own, follow my advice and do the needful.

Even if the meeting is not productive, you tried your best. But hope for the best.

 

[Longhorn]

Spoke to her today. She was like the guy was ill prepared for the realities of marriage, he had mainly done it because of parental pressure but he has been very resentful of the challenging realities that have now occurred where he even resents having to share his bed and room with another person, his personal belongings, his space and on top of that the declining illness of a parent has further taken a toll and he takes all his frustrations stemming from his professional life, domestic situation all out on my sister day by day and its come to the point where she just can't take it anymore.

The guy has been spoilt by his parents, his mom who has been a house wife but has thoroughly dedicated her life to her kids in terms of providing every comfort possible at home in terms of meals, cooking their favorite dishes. He is resentful that my sister inspite of her best efforts did not live up to that standard

Tell me, as a self respecting father, brother and a girl? What do you expect us to do in this situation? Suck it up and let things carry on like this?

That's where he went wrong.
He should have married his mom.

 

[Verve]

Spoke to her today. She was like the guy was ill prepared for the realities of marriage, he had mainly done it because of parental pressure but he has been very resentful of the challenging realities that have now occurred where he even resents having to share his bed and room with another person, his personal belongings, his space and on top of that the declining illness of a parent has further taken a toll and he takes all his frustrations stemming from his professional life, domestic situation all out on my sister day by day and its come to the point where she just can't take it anymore.

The guy has been spoilt by his parents, his mom who has been a house wife but has thoroughly dedicated her life to her kids in terms of providing every comfort possible at home in terms of meals, cooking their favorite dishes. He is resentful that my sister inspite of her best efforts did not live up to that standard

Tell me, as a self respecting father, brother and a girl? What do you expect us to do in this situation? Suck it up and let things carry on like this?

Start mediation. And the mediator(s) should not have a bias towards anyone. You are telling one side of the story only whereas the other side will have a story to tell too.

 

[Savak]

I blame myself also, i should have made an effort to talk to the guy a lot more during the courtship period and actually even had the balls to have frank discussions with him i.e. what role did he envision for my sister in his house after marriage? what were his expectations precisely? I should have been a lot more vocal about any red flags. I blindly fell for my beliefs that everything between my sister, her fiance should strictly be between them, let them deal with it as it is their lives. As i interact with more and more people, i realize that elder brothers literally hound the prospective groom and spare no effort to ensure he is going to treat her right and this is what me and my elder brother should have done.

I feel my parents just blindly trusted and accepted the expectations from her susral would be reasonable and blindly accepted all the sunny side stuff, vibes they got during the courtship period. Let this be a lesson to everyone, do not trust anyone blindly, you spare no effort, action to ensure that people are exactly who they appear to be

 

[macnurv]

My Baby sister immigrated to Canada in the beginning of 2018 after graduating from one of the top medical schools in Pakistan. My parents wanted her to get married afterwards as she turned 25 and I backed my parents decision.

To my parents delight they found a Pakistani American doctor in his early 30's ie my age via a referral from their professional circles of friends. The guy immediately managed to strike a very amazing impression on everyone in our family. The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor.

My parents were super impressed to discover that the guy being the eldest of his 4 siblings in his family took on the responsibility of his mothers care himself compared to the younger siblings. The guys father has set backs during the time period as he got laid off from his engineering job and was never able to find employment in his field again. Eventually he had to make a decision and he decided to operate a home based business. But bottom line the father's financial situation was precarious and he was not able to support his kids education and was battling really hard to focus on his business and his wife's illness and this is where the eldest son had to step up. The father himself developed a stroke as a result of which the right side of his body is weaker compared to the left side.

My parents especially my mom felt that given how responsibly and lovingly the son took care of his ailing mother especially was a very good sign and that he would be equally caring and compassionate towards my sister.

The other plus point for my parents naturally was that he was a doctor who had trained to become an interventionist cardiologist and given that my sister herself was a Pakistani Doctor who had plans to study for her USMLE and later do a Masters in Public Health and a PhD this would again be a very good fit as doctors should ideally marry doctors as they both understand each others fields and the academic and professional pressures involved best.

The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with.

The guy being a 5 times namazi who never missed a single prayer was a big plus for my mom.

Apparently the guy had been having a tough time getting rishtas because his mothers illness became a source of concern for the girls family members. In fact the guy has a younger sister and even she was engaged once and the engagement was called off the moment they found out about the girls mothers suffering from breast cancer and they were upset at not having being told before hand.

My sister and the guy had met in the beginning of 2018 and have literally spoken every single day since they met on social media, whatsapp and phone. He even once flew down to Canada to meet her and she flew down to the US to meet him. Eventually my parents asked my sister if she was happy and comfortable with the guy and she said yes and so did the guy. Me and my elder brother got to meet the guy in the US later on as a formality and we found the guy to be socially very confident, opinionated and an excellent conversationalist and personally we all as a family felt this was an excellent match given that my sister herself was a super talkative social personality and therefore it was imperative that she also found a guy who matched her in that regard We finally made the engagement public with our immediate family members who met the guy during a family dinner and they were super impressed with him and his ability to be charming, to create an impression, to easily talk playfully with kids and to have a mature engaging conversation with adults

They got nikaofied by the end of the year and they kept talking each and every day on the phone for 3-4 hours almost daily. He even flew down once to Canada for 3-4 days during which my sister went to live with him as she was his wife now. My baby sister used to be very close to me and would never hide anything from me and would always confide in me whenever she was upset or depressed about something. However ever since her fiancé and her husband came to her life, her attitude and opinion changed for the worst and I almost felt like she felt I was not as mature, personally, professionally as well settled as I should be and in many ways she stopped confiding with me and didn't want anything much to do with me as her entire world was her fiancé and her husband now. I accepted it as a gradual inevitability of life that everyone goes through and that everyone has the right to move on in their lives and that siblings should give each other their spaces.

The marriage ceremonies finally took place in the Summer this year and during this whole time all of us felt this was an excellent union where both the couples personality wise, education and field wise very an excellent combination for each other. However, since then so many things have come to light which have petrified me that things are not rosy, milk and honey as people expect it to be. It's almost like as if the guy has completely dropped his guard down now that he has successfully managed to marry my sister and that he doesn't have to worry about losing her.

My sister naturally speaks to only my mom and dad on whatsapp but she doesn't seem me mature enough to talk too about these things.

My first major concern about the guy and his family occurred during the Valima when the guys brother in his speech made comments that my sister should be very grateful that she did not have to work as hard as her husband, struggle and battle through tough times as her husband did during his journey to become a doctor. That speech really got me very very upset and was the first real warning sign to me about this Pakistani American family thinking they were far superior compared to Pakistanis born and raised in Pakistan. My parents, immediate and extended family members were very upset with the speech especially with the sight that my sisters husband was smiling, smirking the whole time without any feelings of offence over his brothers comments towards my sister. My parents decided to let the matter go and not make a big deal out of it in the largest interests of piece and harmony

Now I am not out here to claim my baby sister is perfect or flawless. She was born and raised in Pakistan where we enjoyed the benefit, privilege of having a nice comfortable lifestyle of servants and never had to worry about money problems. But she has battled very hard through her own problems. She was diagnosed with Dyslexia and she was having problems in keeping her numbers decent in high school because she was not naturally as gifted and bright compared to other normal bright students. But she still took on the challenge of being the only child to pursue medicine which is always a challenge for even normally bright students, battled through many resits, re examinations, sleepless nights, kept dusting herself off the floor and eventually graduated to be a doctor from the top medical school in Pakistan

It's been 3 months now since the marriage took place and a lot of troubling things keep coming to light. Apparently the guy is not exactly the loving compassionate guy that he portrayed himself to be in front of us and our family. In fact what I am learning is that he cares more about the well-being of his family ie parents, even siblings even if it comes at the expense of my sisters emotional well being. The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister

"Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

"Did you iron your father's shirts like this"

"I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

"Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

"This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family

"It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

"I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

"I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother

Now I am not trying to say here that my baby sister is perfect or doesn't have flaws like we all do, but I know for a fact that she is trying her level best to adjust and adapt to married life. She now wakes up in the morning at 6 to make sure her husband has his breakfast before he leaves for work and packs lunch for him. She helps his mother with cooking, kitchen and house work as much as possible. She makes sure when he comes home at night he has dinner immediately

The guy hounds her over spending with a fine tooth comb, if she buys a cup of coffee, women cosmetics or even groceries he keeps mentally torturing her with comments that you are financially reckless and irresponsible even though he himself has no qualms on spending as much as he wants on himself, his luxury items, his countless lunches and dinners outside.

My sister came to Toronto for a week last month and on the night of her departure he again sent her a very demeaning whatsapp message regarding her spending habits and I could over hear my sister crying like mad next to my mom "Mom, how much can I change, compromise and take? He only married me for my face, he should have married someone more suitable for him, I can't take it anymore"

My parents especially my mom are off the view point that in order for any marriage to be successful, it is the girl who has to make more sacrifices than the guy and that it is her duty to suck it up and deal with it especially when there are kids involved. My mom also have the viewpoint that my sister has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and that she needs to toughen up and accept the realities of life in her susral and married life.

They also think that in order for her to really win the respect of her new family, her husband, it is imperative for her to clear her USMLE exam, find a good residency and become an American doctor so that she has an income of her own. In fact my dad is also encouraging my sister to aim big by looking to do a masters in public health program and then a PhD so that she can have expanded career options. My dad knowing full well that her husband cannot afford the tuition amount has already set aside the money for her to fund her education.

My dad has also set up an account for them and wishes to help my sister and her husband a down payment for their first house. Which girls father is willing to provide such gifts for his son in law especially it is the son in law, his family who is responsible for taking care of his wife and her needs

Today after a long long time, my baby sister reached out to me after almost 2 years as the elder brother she had always been close to on Whatsapp and it literally felt like she was crying in front of me. She was like she was sick and tired of the emotional abuse from her husband, his demanding nature, his expectations of perfectionism, the fact he was always treating her as a servant. That she was now in a family where you either compete or get left behind, no sympathy for issues. His demands for high quality fresh food cooked for him everyday, his unsympathetic attitude towards her studies, his comments that she is not what he expected and her frustrations with mom, dad that she tells them everything but they keep ignoring her by telling her to suck it up, deal with it, compromise, study for her exams and she in her frustration commented that her own parents had zero idea about how difficult her life was balancing married life, domestic duties and then studies because they benefitted massively from having servants in Pakistan

I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie.

I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

Anyways the reason for me creating this thread is because I need some feedback from experienced people here who have dealt with these things when their sisters have gotten married into a new family? Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy? Is there some way we can put the fear of God and consequences in the guy I can't stand my sister being miserable like this any longer.

I feel like aggressively talking to my parents now about this issue and that we need to do something about this to resolve these problems otherwise it's not going to get better on its own But before I discuss this with them, I thought I would ask everyone over here

Its of no point to give you a lecture on how you looked at all the wrong parameters when deciding to choose the candidate. There is no simple solution to this situation, what ever she does will make the things worst. You have two choices,
1- Have your parents have a chat with him and try to sort it out
2- This relationship is abusive both mentally and emotionally, so its better to cut your loses and get your sister back to Pakistan. She is a trained professional, and life is not worth wasting with an a$$hole like that.
3- Ask your sister to manipulate the heck out of him, and get his whole family under her thumb. LOL


No matter what ever choice you or your sister makes, the result wont be good for most part as the cardiologist is a typical insecure Pakistani male, whos ego is bigger than his brain so he will take it personally and might resort to physical violence. Its a tough situation for you, but I would suggest cut your losses and get her back to Pakistan and let those American morons find some one else.

unpopular opinion but the way Pakistanis do marriage is so backwards and flawed.
All the assumptions that go into it "good job, good family, etc" are worthless.
A person can have a great job and great family but still be a total POS.

and if Pakistani men want a house maid, then just freaking hire one.
you are not marrying a servant, you are marrying a person.

Finally, women who go to med school just to become house wives are cancer, they are literally causing death and suffering as they are taking opportunists away from people who will actually serve the community and help people.

/rant

Totally agree, Pakistanis have some really stupid sense of honour when it comes to women. So many of my colleagues in med school were only there so they could find good husbands, this is one of the most stupidest thing I had ever came across in my life. But hey we are one damn stupid nation to begin with.

 

[Savak]

Thought i would give an update. In the month of December, my parents spoke about the guys behavior with the people who actually recommended and referred him and his family to us. Unfortunately these two individuals who played this role have not done anything positive to rectify things and they are unlikely too do so so as they wish to save face that they recommended a screwed up guy to us.

The guys parents have not once lifted any finger or said anything to resolve things between the couple. My sister came home to us in January and stayed with us for 5-6 months as part of her USMLE prep. During this time period, the two stopped fighting and my parents pressed her to give it a shot and not give up on the marriage. During this 5-6 month time period, she probably forgot what it was like to live with him in person and she started talking and texting him on the phone daily and demanded that mom, dad, me stay away from her issues and let her deal with the marriage. I told her point blank that she is living in a fools world that if she expects the guy to change his behavior and that she is only feeling what she is feeling now because of not having lived with him for a while and it will all go back to the same when she rejoins him again.

She went back to him again after appearing for the USMLE exam. Unfortunately, she failed her USMLE exam and everything has come crashing down like fire. He has gone of the boil completely since then where he has left no moment to insult her "I thought you were a competent, intelligent doctor from Pakistan who was capable of clearing these USMLE exams, thats the reason why i married you, i feel so ashamed to take you out with me to visit my friends and family".

His emotional, verbal, mental abuse has gotten worse day by day since then and she has shared audio recordings to confirm it. Its like walking on eggshells forever. He had the audacity to call my dad up last week and accused us of selling him a defective, faulty, damaged goods and that he only agreed to the marriage because he felt he was marrying a person who was intelligent, competent and fully capable of becoming a doctor in the US

My dad has now had it for good and even my mom (who was a huge proponent of once a Pakistani girl gets married, verbal and physical abuse or not, you cannot afford to get divorced period), is helpless to ask her to stay on in the marriage. He is considering not only getting her out of the marriage for good but also debating on whether he should file a civil lawsuit against the guy for mental, emotional abuse because he doesn't want the guy to get away with how he has behaved during this marriage without any consequences.