Roby
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New Years resolutions
If some of Pakistans most renowned figures made New Years resolutions, what might they be?
Begum Nawazish Ali:
Merijaan, the only resolution required is a stiff one from the United Nations. Uff, kya bataon jaani, theres so much shorsharaba happening in this town, hosting my many admirers is difficult these days. Ayla, pehlay to murhoom Colonel sahib ka istikhbal khushi se karti thi jab wo London se wapas aatayte every January. Fox-hunting in shires, sweety. Aur chup chup kar wo caviar aur bubbly ka hamper laatay the, I mean it was like haazri with a twist. Darling, ab kya raha? Still, one cant complain, what with all these suicide bombs and shirtless men beating their breasts, hallelujah, its raining men, literally.
The chief of the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan:
We believe the New Years resolution is an evil designed to take advantage of Muslims in Pakistan by synchronising them with the crusaders calendar. We will target all infidels making and following a New Years resolution within 10 days. No place will be safe especially gyms, swimming pools, weight-loss centres, spas, quit-smoking facilities and evening language classes.
Firdous Ashiq Awan:
Vekhosirr, meri designation as a daactor heh, mujhay daactor ki hasiyat se aap ne nahi samja (shouting) aur yeh ji beinsaafi aur lachaar harkat hai jo mai samajthi hoon ek liberal caaanspiracy hai jisme drawing room ke paidawaar aur aap jaisay beghairaton ki ulaad dono shamil hai
Bilawal Bhutto:
Dude look, Ive just come back from Karaaachi (is that how you say it?), I dont have time for New Years resolution, you see Lord Balfours daughter, a blonde reading English at Worcester who I met at a Vincents party in Oxford, jolly lovely girl has invited me, oh sorry, I meant son, make sure you put that in right, yeah, anyways has invited to me to this flash country house party, Tatlers covering it too and Christ, my tailor hasnt even made my tux. Also my obsessive tutors on my back about my politics essay, says its spelt Sindh not Sinned what would he know? Kensington zindabad. Actually, strike that off. (Phone rings). Oh wait, one second, Ive got a press conference with the media of Thaaatta Tatta? Is that how you say it? Oh ok, fine .Wait, can you hold on?
(Speaking colonial Raj Urdu): Hum roti, kapra, makaan deh ga Tattako, yeh Tatta mera hai, meray **** ka Tatta hai,yeh meri ma ka Tattata aur abbhi PPP ka Tatta hai. Hum Tatta ko sab kuch deh ga. Ummm, yes, yeh paaaah-ty jaan aur khoon ki hai. Err, oh yes, aur democracy is the best revenge.
Was that ok, Dad? No problem. Alright, Ill see you in Switzerland for some skiing.
Imran Khan:
Well this year, I will be speaking more to the Tehrik-e-Taliban. Only last week, we discussed our mutual antipathy for American policies in South Asia over a warm cup of special chai and a spot of cricket. But dont get me wrong, Im not against Washington some of my best friends are Americans. You see, the Taliban are really quite sensitive souls, they breathe and eat just like you and me. But dont get me wrong, Im not pro-Taliban. Im pro-progress. Weve just got to separate the good guys from the bad guys, thats all. You see, foreign elements are ruining relations between Muslim brethren, not suicide bombs.
I just want to let everybody know that Im here to table a talk with anyone who wants to speak to me: Taliban or government. Im here, ok. Dont forget. Ok? Right here if anyone should ask ok.
Meera:
The NyooYair plain, plate, pllllaaan, is favourite one me .Phir batain, sawaal kya tha? I the ree-cee receive soo many taste prapoosal that I it the time for me to murree no marry (uff, mujh se nahi hota, baba latrine kahan he phir se kahain, doosra question nai hai?). Im the belief that 2010 will be sexccessful season of the love for Meera .for me if you want to murree me, please contact, but only the non-residential Pakistan at missmeerajee at the rate hot male dot cowm.
ISI:
No comment.
Brahamdagh Bugti:
From an undisclosed mountain location: This year I will be saying, Pakistan na khapay, na khapay, Pakistan na khapay and Pakistan na jamay, na jamay, Pakistan na jamay.
President Asif Ali Zardari:
In 2010, I will only be doing interviews with ARY TV.
Rehman Malik:
Well, we have evidence that 2010 is the year of peace for Pakistan, but it isnt certain. We will need more evidence, so I am ordering an inquiry into 2010. I will resign if it is proved that this year peace isnt operating inside of Pakista
If some of Pakistans most renowned figures made New Years resolutions, what might they be?
Begum Nawazish Ali:
Merijaan, the only resolution required is a stiff one from the United Nations. Uff, kya bataon jaani, theres so much shorsharaba happening in this town, hosting my many admirers is difficult these days. Ayla, pehlay to murhoom Colonel sahib ka istikhbal khushi se karti thi jab wo London se wapas aatayte every January. Fox-hunting in shires, sweety. Aur chup chup kar wo caviar aur bubbly ka hamper laatay the, I mean it was like haazri with a twist. Darling, ab kya raha? Still, one cant complain, what with all these suicide bombs and shirtless men beating their breasts, hallelujah, its raining men, literally.
The chief of the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan:
We believe the New Years resolution is an evil designed to take advantage of Muslims in Pakistan by synchronising them with the crusaders calendar. We will target all infidels making and following a New Years resolution within 10 days. No place will be safe especially gyms, swimming pools, weight-loss centres, spas, quit-smoking facilities and evening language classes.
Firdous Ashiq Awan:
Vekhosirr, meri designation as a daactor heh, mujhay daactor ki hasiyat se aap ne nahi samja (shouting) aur yeh ji beinsaafi aur lachaar harkat hai jo mai samajthi hoon ek liberal caaanspiracy hai jisme drawing room ke paidawaar aur aap jaisay beghairaton ki ulaad dono shamil hai
Bilawal Bhutto:
Dude look, Ive just come back from Karaaachi (is that how you say it?), I dont have time for New Years resolution, you see Lord Balfours daughter, a blonde reading English at Worcester who I met at a Vincents party in Oxford, jolly lovely girl has invited me, oh sorry, I meant son, make sure you put that in right, yeah, anyways has invited to me to this flash country house party, Tatlers covering it too and Christ, my tailor hasnt even made my tux. Also my obsessive tutors on my back about my politics essay, says its spelt Sindh not Sinned what would he know? Kensington zindabad. Actually, strike that off. (Phone rings). Oh wait, one second, Ive got a press conference with the media of Thaaatta Tatta? Is that how you say it? Oh ok, fine .Wait, can you hold on?
(Speaking colonial Raj Urdu): Hum roti, kapra, makaan deh ga Tattako, yeh Tatta mera hai, meray **** ka Tatta hai,yeh meri ma ka Tattata aur abbhi PPP ka Tatta hai. Hum Tatta ko sab kuch deh ga. Ummm, yes, yeh paaaah-ty jaan aur khoon ki hai. Err, oh yes, aur democracy is the best revenge.
Was that ok, Dad? No problem. Alright, Ill see you in Switzerland for some skiing.
Imran Khan:
Well this year, I will be speaking more to the Tehrik-e-Taliban. Only last week, we discussed our mutual antipathy for American policies in South Asia over a warm cup of special chai and a spot of cricket. But dont get me wrong, Im not against Washington some of my best friends are Americans. You see, the Taliban are really quite sensitive souls, they breathe and eat just like you and me. But dont get me wrong, Im not pro-Taliban. Im pro-progress. Weve just got to separate the good guys from the bad guys, thats all. You see, foreign elements are ruining relations between Muslim brethren, not suicide bombs.
I just want to let everybody know that Im here to table a talk with anyone who wants to speak to me: Taliban or government. Im here, ok. Dont forget. Ok? Right here if anyone should ask ok.
Meera:
The NyooYair plain, plate, pllllaaan, is favourite one me .Phir batain, sawaal kya tha? I the ree-cee receive soo many taste prapoosal that I it the time for me to murree no marry (uff, mujh se nahi hota, baba latrine kahan he phir se kahain, doosra question nai hai?). Im the belief that 2010 will be sexccessful season of the love for Meera .for me if you want to murree me, please contact, but only the non-residential Pakistan at missmeerajee at the rate hot male dot cowm.
ISI:
No comment.
Brahamdagh Bugti:
From an undisclosed mountain location: This year I will be saying, Pakistan na khapay, na khapay, Pakistan na khapay and Pakistan na jamay, na jamay, Pakistan na jamay.
President Asif Ali Zardari:
In 2010, I will only be doing interviews with ARY TV.
Rehman Malik:
Well, we have evidence that 2010 is the year of peace for Pakistan, but it isnt certain. We will need more evidence, so I am ordering an inquiry into 2010. I will resign if it is proved that this year peace isnt operating inside of Pakista
