Military humor

[Mig-29]

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"

 

[Mig-29]

Voice mail of U.S army

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your *** off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

 

[xebex]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U. S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.


Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR course."

Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...that's one-five-degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."


Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

 

[xebex]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

 

[xebex]

Guys this is not Millitary related but quiet funny.enjoy...

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh.

He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh!

What the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?" Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "

---------- Post added at 06:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:07 PM ----------


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Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave".

The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat.

Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji. Capt. replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar

---------- Post added at 06:14 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:09 PM ----------



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Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says."This is Santa Singh down in Chandigadh, Punjab. I amringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war onyou!""Well, Santa Singh," Bill replies, "This indeed is importantnews! Tell me, how big is your army?""At this moment in time," says Santa Singh after a momentscalculation, "There is myself, my cousin Banta Singh, mynext door neighbour Gurjinder and the entire Kabbadi teamfrom the Village. That makes 8!"Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that Ihave 1million men in my army waiting to move on my word.

""OK," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!

"Sure enough, the next day Santa Singh calls back. "Right Mr.Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquiresome equipment!""What equipment would that be, Santa Singh?" Bill asks."Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill'stractor from the farm." Once more Bill sighs and says, "Imust tell you Santa Singh that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000mine layers,10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke.

" "I'll be dogged!"says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!

"Sure enough, Santa Singh calls again the next day."Right Mr.Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to getourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's cropsprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and theHockey team has joined us as well!"Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Santa Singhthat I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverabilityattack planes and my military installations are surroundedby laser guided surface to air missiles and since we lastspoke, my army has increased to 2 million.

""Oh cripes," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back.

"Santa Singh calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, Iam sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.

""I'm very happy to hear that," says Bill. "Why the suddenchange of heart?

""Well," says Santa Singh, "We've all had a chat and to besure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."

 

[xebex]

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?'

'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

---------- Post added at 06:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:22 PM ----------


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Two military guys go into a restroom. One is in the Navy and the other is a Marine. When they are done, the navy guy goes to the sink and starts to wash his hands, while the Marine starts to leave. The Navy guy yells to the Marine, "The Navy teaches us to wash our hands." The Marine yells back, "The Marines teach us not to piss on

 

[beckham]

A 2 SEATER aircraft crashed
in a graveyard in punjab

Local sardar's have found 500 bodies and are still digging for more.....

NASA sent SARDAR 2 moon but SARDAR jumped out frm the Rocket in the Half way
&
Said: Saale Kuthe Today 'AMAAVASI' & no Moon will b there ..

 

[xebex]

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trench warfare on Pakistan border, Sikh regiment on one side, suddenly Kartar Singh gets a bright idea, shouts! "Oye Abdul!" Guy pops up from other trench "Kya hai be" BANG shot dead!
"Oye Karim" 2 guys stand up, "Kya hai saala" BANG BANG both khalaas.
"Oye Mustafa!" 2 more, BANG-BANG! dono saale khalaas!
Pakistanis get worried, they think saala Sardarji log, when did they get so smart? Decide to try it themselves.
"Abe Gurdev Singh".... silence.
"Oye Gurdev Singh!!".... silence.
"O bhai, Gurdev Singh!"
after some time ,,
"Oye Gurdev Singh ko kaun bula raha hai re?"
Pakistani gets up, "Mein" BANG!

---------- Post added at 06:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:30 PM ----------

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One taxi driver in Lahore to another, 'Did you hear that the Pakistan government bought a thousand septic tanks?'The other driver replied, 'Yes, and as soon as they learn to drive them,they are going to invade India.

---------- Post added at 06:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:34 PM ----------

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Bill Gates, George W bush, Tony Blair, the Pope and a little girl are on a plane flying at 20000 ft over France. Suddenly the engines fail and the plane is destined to crash. At that the pilots run out of the flight deck with parachutes on and jump out leaving their passengers to fend for themselves. They soon discover that there are 5 of then but only 4 parachutes. Tony Blair steps up and says, “I am the prime minister of the UK, and my people need me. If I die my country will be in turmoil. Everyone agrees and Tony puts on a parachute and jumps. Next Bill Gates jumps up “ I have given loads to the world of computing, without me the industry might collapse. The world needs me” They all agree and Bill puts on his parachute and jumps. Right Away George W bush steps up looking worried “I am the president of the United States, My people respect me and need me. Sometimes they thing I am stupid but im not really. I am very clever and need to live for my country!” They all agree and George gets ready and jumps from the plane. Now it is only the little girl and the pope left in the airplane. The pope turns to the little girl and says, “I have lived my life, and you still have yours to live. Please take the parachute and save yourself” at that the little girl laughs and says “don’t be silly, there are still two parachutes left. George bush just jumped out the plane with my school bag! “

 

[xebex]

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man "Son, I want you to measure from the tip of my pen!s all the way to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine general insisted "No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure".

The pension expert said that would be OK, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam," the general replied.

 

[Mig-29]

A squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of crap, and he yelled back: 'George Bush is a miserable piece of crap."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

 

[beckham]

You could be a taliban if,

1.You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3.You have more wives than teeth.
4.You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5.You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6.You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7.You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8.You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9.You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12.You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

[xebex]

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a femaleLieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."

 

[Mig-29]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

[Mig-29]

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But, when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

 

[abuhamza]

good.........................