Military humor

[Mig-29]

Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Pararescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon.

For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!"

The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit."

The Soldier was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Soldier came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon."

Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair."

 

[paritosh]

hahahaha!!!

 

[RPK]

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

---------- Post added at 06:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:40 PM ----------

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

 

[Mig-29]

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time.

Talk fell on the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like

The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them.

The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back and took a leak."

 

[Mig-29]

An Air Force fighter pilot ejected from his jet and wound up on a deserted island. There he stayed, unfound for 11 years.

One day, there appeared a beautiful woman, who simply walked out of the surf.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.

"11 Years," the fighter pilot replied.

"When is the last time you had a cigar?"

"11 Years"

She opened a pocket and gave him a cigar. The fighter pilot took it, and puffed in delight.

"When was the last time you had a drink?," the maiden asked.

"11 Years."

She opens another pocket and pulled out a beer. The pilot drank the whole bottle in one gulp.

"When was the last time tou played around?," the lady asked with a gleam in her eye.

"11 years," the deprived pilot replied.

The women started to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

"YOUR'E KIDDING ME?????," said the pilot. "YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!???"

 

[RPK]

Airforce Maintanance sheet log

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

 

[Mig-29]

A young Army private pulled up to the main gate of the Army post. The MP noticed that his windshield was busted and that the car's bumper was covered with blood, leaves, and twigs.

Concerned, he asked, "What happened?"

"I was in an accident ... I ran over a First Sergeant,"
the private replied.

"Well, that explains the broken windshield and blood
on the grill, but what's with the twigs and leaves?"

"I had to chase him all through the park!"

---------- Post added at 07:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:07 PM ----------

The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door.

"Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private.

"Yes sir!," the Private Responds.

An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived. Worried, the captain checks with the Sentry.

"Did the General arrive?"

"No Sir!"

Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again?

"Hasn't the General arrived yet?"

"No Sir!"

This continues for two hours. Finally, the General arrives.

"Where the hell have you been?," snapped the private. The captain's looking for you!

 

[Mig-29]

Rumor has it that this was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnel Douglas Website by an employee with a sense of humor (The company, however, didn't find it all that funny)


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ...............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ...............................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ...............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ...... / ......

4. Serial Number: ..............................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

 

[Mig-29]

You are not supermen! (Recent SF graduates take note)

Suppressive fire-won't

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid

Don't look conspicuous

When in doubt, empty the magazine

Never forget your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going well it is an ambush

No plan survives the first contact intact

All five second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds

Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys may be low on ammo.

If you are in front of your position, the artillery will fall short

The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack

The important things are always simple

The simple things are always hard

The easy way is always mined

If your are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat

When you have secured an area do not forget to tell the enemy

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection

Incoming fire has the right of way

If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU

Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men = 49 cases

Body Count Math: 3 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 37 enemy KIA

Friendly fire isn't

Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately

Anything you do can get you shot-including doing nothing

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

Tracers work both ways

The only thing more accurate than in coming fire is incoming friendly fire

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take

When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they are right

Professional soldiers are predictable , but the world is full of amateurs

Murphy is a Special Forces Soldier .

 

[Mig-29]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U. S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.


Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR course."

Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...that's one-five-degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."


Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

 

[H2O3C4Nitrogen]

There was milletery recurotment interview goin on in an office on a third floor.

There were three men who were to be interviewed.

The first man came in, intiallty it went good but in the last the interviewer asked him to jump from the window. The man said its impossible. so he was rejected.
the second man came in and was asked the same question. He went near the window but couldnt build up the heart to jump. The third person was also asked a simillar question, but he failed too .In then the person(interviewer) told them ! why are you guys so scared , here , i am gona show you how its don .. He stood up to the window shelf , turned around and jumped inside the room and said ,, You see its not a big deal.

 

[RPK]

You know your Advanced Warfighting Experiment unit is too technologically advanced when...

Every vehicle has "Intel Inside" stenciled on the side.

The service is renamed "US Army99."

Tanks play a little tune when you start them up.

The platoon medic carries Norton Antivirus in his first-aid kit.

Your gunsights have a Win95 startup screen.

Every night Marine Corps boot camp recruits shout, "Good night, Bill Gates, wherever you are!"

Bayonets have a laser range finder and barometric pressure gauge.

Military funerals feature the "21 beep salute" and the "missing file formation."

Unit guidons are replaced with black-and-white bar codes.

Crashing a vehicle takes on a whole new meaning.

Maintenance companies of forward support battalions are replaced by 1-800 service numbers.

Every platoon's TO&E includes "Sun Certified Java programmer - 1 each."

Rifles come with a boot disk.

Soldiers are heard to ask, "How many MEGs you got in your rucksack?"

Night vision goggles have a screen saver.

After lasing the target, your attack helicopter asks, "Do you really want to delete this target?"

Hand grenades require you to put in a password before throwing them.

SINCGARS is the most user-friendly piece of equipment you have.

 

[Mig-29]

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ________________
Carter: ______________
Clinton: _____________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify

* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.

 

[RPK]

A Competition Of Bravery

An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing who's service is better and whose troops are more brave. The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he reaches for the phone.

Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier.

When all three representatives have arrived, the Admiral states, " Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course."

The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says "that was nothing", and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Air Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.

The Army General then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says " I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says, "Now gentlemen, that's BRAVERY...."

 

[RPK]

The Transition

A few day's after Obama's inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said "I'd like to see President Bush.

The Marine politely answered "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president."

The man said, "Oh, O.K." and walked away.

The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Bush.

The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president."

Again the man answered, "Oh, O.K." and walked away.

The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Bush.

The Marine, a little annoyed, said "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Bush is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"

"Yes, I do" said the man, "But I just enjoy hearing it."

The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow"