Joke

[jha]

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says “Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don’t mean?” The second guy replies “Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge t*ts. So instead of asking her for "two tickets to Pittsburgh" I asked for "two tickets to T*tsburgh". The first guy says, “Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying "Honey, could you please pass me the sugar?" I said, "You’ve ruined my life you fu*king !"

 

[jha]

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[jha]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby…and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”

 

[Najam Khan]

Folowing incident is true....itended up in people laughing madly...

Meera was once invited by a Youth Magazine, a team of senior members of magazine asked questions from him.

A guy asked him, 'App ki education kitni ha..?'
Meera proudly replied in her 'English'

Meiny Inter-course ki hai

 

[baker]

Speeding Ticket
Kingsville, TX


Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville, TX.

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.


The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to aUSMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, TX.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to theU.S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.


The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter ...

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

 

[Burger Boy]

Math joke

 

[marcos98]

WOMAN'S DIARY 27 June 2010 Sunday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
And was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud,
So I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted
So I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be
Paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong,
But he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
To my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep -
I think he's planning to leave me -
Maybe he's found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY:Saturday 27 June

Lakers lost.

Gutted.

Got a shag though

 

[marcos98]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.
St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

 

[marcos98]

Political Science for Dummies



DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

 

[MastanKhan]

Arnold always like the ones with big udders---he is the man.

 

[fatman17]

*THE LOVING CANADIAN HUSBAND*

A man had two of the best tickets for the Stanley Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next
to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Stanley Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"


The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

[Leader]

It is a flat lie that AQ head lived in a house for five long years.... its simply a LIE...

.
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.
.
.
.
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How can someone live in a house with 3 wives for 5 years ? Ask any married man

 

[Roybot]

Surely you meant politically incorrect?

 

[luckyyy]

i have a politically correct joke which i read , hear and write every day but still it appears to be freash and new each time...

you know what/guess that one word joke is ?

 

[jha]

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000.

He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

He screamed at the professor, "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."