The Way I See It
In Pakistan, men make decisions and women make dinner
By Abu Bakr Agha Published: March 25, 2017
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I remember when I was much younger and observing society around me, I was so glad I was a boy.
Inequality between men and women is not something exclusive to the subcontinent or the Middle East. For instance, while allowed to participate in the army, women are still not permitted to serve in frontline combat in the United Kingdom, Turkey, and Slovakia. In the United States, and other developed nations, women are consistently overlooked for promotions and paid less for doing the same work their male counterparts do.
In this part of the world, however, we make a clear distinction. Gender inequality is far from over in the developed world but at least mainstream statements that promote equality and denounce gender bias are reassuring that the philosophy of the movement is headed in the right direction. In Pakistan, however, we are doing the exact opposite.
I remember when I was much younger, I was so glad I was a boy. At family gatherings, I would wonder why the uncle’s parents always lived at home with their son but the aunty was on her own. I realised that after marriage, women would move in with their husband’s family. I was really attached to my parents and felt relieved that in the future, I wouldn’t have to move away to some girl’s house.
I grew up in a reasonably liberal household but such social constructs still managed to reach me through school teachers, religious teachers and the odd extended family member. Men were meant to go out and make money, women were meant to take care of the house; men made decisions, women made dinner.
My own mother worked, made financial decisions, paid bills and did whatever she felt like the same way my father did; so, perhaps I looked at other ideas of gender as a story or metaphor. However, strong gender roles are forced upon those less fortunate than myself. In Pakistan, people in positions of authority, who children are taught to respect, continuously highlight differences between men and women, often selling short a woman’s ambition, her individuality and her worth as a human being. And often, these authority figures are not just teachers but parents as well.
When I was in America, I met a girl from India. I remember one day she was running late to meet one of her guy friends, which eventually lead to her having a panic attack. I calmed her down and asked what the problem was. She said she was afraid of her friend’s reaction at being late. I asked how she could be so afraid of someone she called a friend. She explained she didn’t want to disappoint him or make him angry, because he would always lose his temper when she didn’t listen to him or was late.
This was clearly a toxic friendship. I eventually helped her get out of it, but she never had an answer or explanation for the way she acted. Turns out, from a very young age, her mother always told her women should be subservient to men. In her subconscious mind, men had an elevated status to the point where she was willingly acting like a slave to a boy who perhaps, by the same logic, may have felt superior as a result of his own upbringing.
This is how dangerous our South Asian culture can be when it comes to raising our children. Another friend told me that some of her Pakistani and Indian friends were depressed at how subservient they had become to their husbands or boyfriends.
Recently, Punjab Higher Education Minister Syed Raza Ali Gillani suggested that government institutions would allot five marks to hijab-wearing students in a bid to promote the practice. This reminded me of all times men felt the need to force rules and ideas upon women. I was glad to see the backlash that ended up making this such a short-lived story but it is still proof that the problem is alive and kicking.
That was a stupid moment. I also am glad it got the public backlash it did. State and religion have no business mixing like that.
The average girl in Pakistan is extremely oppressed. She is taught that she is a representation of honour. She is taught to be shy and quiet. Her purpose in life is to get married and run a home, and many times there’s a conversation between families as to whether she would be ‘allowed’ to work, just to check if her husband would be comfortable with it.
Bullshit. For a start, what are you taking an average of? Is there a scale of womanhood you measure you declare what an average woman is? We have a largely illiterate population, if your wife was illiterate, would you trust her to make the decisions of the household? Does this hold through where the woman is more educated than the man? Would more women be in the workplace if there were more jobs in the first place? When I travel to Pakistan I see an equal number of women to men begging professionally. Are those people average? There is no doubt there are more men at work than women, but what are the factors that influence that? In rural Pakistan who families, women included tend to the fields, these people have to in order to survive. If it's not in an air conditioned building, does it still count as work?
The point of an education is to equip an individual with a sense of independence and liberty.
Maybe that's the point of an education if you're a burger and daddy will take care of all your and your kids financial needs but most of us get an education so we can learn the skills to survive in the world and to earn money.
Of course, we can’t hide away from the fact that there is a strong religious association to this entire problem and with our culture so strongly tied to religion, which is taboo to even question, therein lies the problem.I was always taught a verse in the Quran, ‘there is no compulsion in religion’ (Surah 2, verse 256). But this verse is falling onto deaf ears. So, let’s say we weren’t taught it.
No there isn't. Iran is an ultra conservative Muslim society and has a higher number of females in education than males. It also has a near equal split of women in the workplace. The first wife of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) ran her own business. Hazrat Aisha (ra) taught religion publically. These women were the closest people to the source of our religion yet none of them had their career options hampered because of it.
When we have discussions about women rights, women need to be present at those panels and TV shows in the majority. We have repeatedly been brainwashed by being told that women should do a certain thing. It’s time we stand up and constantly remind society and people like Gillani that a man should not speak on behalf a woman but should empower her speak up and make decisions for herself.
What right does a rich, politically connected liberal woman have to represent the views of tens of millions of uneducated, poor conservative women? Who will give a voice to these women?
It is hypocritical to be offended when France bans the veil and be proud when Pakistan enforces the hijab.
You're a hypocrite for failing to point out that France does ban the veil yet Pakistan does not enforce the hijab. A woman can go out on the streets of Pakistan wearing whatever she feels comfortable in without any interference from the state. If an oppresive family member is making her dress one way or another, that is an entirely seperate issue, it's called domestic abuse.
