jhungary
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Combat Experience : The Confession of a Soldier.
The following is an open letter I wrote a few weeks ago to a brother of my friend who was about to deploy to Afghanistan for Operation Resolute Support. Today is April 25, ANZAC Day, and I have decided to share this letter to all of you and for those who may have experienced combat, it would be a staunch reminder of how it was, for those who are about to experience combat, I hope you will find out what you are expecting in this letter, and to those of you combat is a distant sense for you, I hope you found solace to those of us that went thru.
So, what war in the middle east looks like?
I was 22 when I went to war in Iraq, as a freshly commissioned 22 years old 2nd Lieutenant. I was just out of OCS after attending 2 and a half years in college. I was given command of 43 people (The platoon FO is not under my command).
My first command started as a 19C (Cavalry Officer) but was pulled to provide disembarked infantry support as an infantry platoon. Not a big deal, war is war, just that you didn't fight behind a 2 inch thick armour plated vehicle, that does not mean anything.
The War, as you might call. Was a new concept for me, like many men before me, I never quite understood what I was getting into before I was there. It's like something that out of this world, it is something that you don't find or see or feel living in this world, that nothing is exploding, nothing is try to get you for doing absolutely nothing. They kill you just because you were there.
That world, is something people won't understand unless they experience it for the first time.
Who I was?
13 years don't seems like a long time ago, but being 22 for me may as well be 200 millions years away. I can't remember what my life was 13 years ago. I remember I was in college, ordering domino pizza.
Avril Lavigne was still a tomboy with her song "complicated" just came out and radio station keep playing it. I remember I was in my dorm room a lot playing Halo on Xbox.
Being a 22 years old, you go out and drink with friends, girl friends and trying to have the best night of your life, being 22 for me feel like invincible. Nothing is going to stop me from having fun, having a good run.
Still in college, I was thinking about my future, there were many option at hands, I can be writing for a newspaper political column, or I can keep on studying and make something out of my name. Instead, there is just one more thing I need to do, that's going to the military.
I was a part of an ROTC unit back in college, that's how I afford my tuition. I can either use my degree and went to OCS (which I did) or enlist with 2 years ROTC experience. Either way, this is what I need to do before the Army cut me loose. And that is what I did.
The Storage Locker
Everybody have one, while you are away and nobody is looking after your stuff. It's also not uncommon for soldier to rent a storage locker to store their stuff because it got too emotional for their family to look at. I have one, even tho I was living on base with my then girl friend, which did not end well in the end.
It's not uncommon to store personal item, as well as something large like a motorcycle. or your car or pick up, but it also means "Stuff that you left behind when you died" So, what exactly you want people to pick up in case this is your goodbye?
To be fair, I don't planned on getting kill or got anything like that, but still your belonging needed to be stored, it's quite hard, actually, going thru your own stuff and deciding what to be discover by your next of kin when you were killed.
In the end, it's kind of sad to see all 22 years of your life being condensed to a 3x9 meter storage. You can't stop but think, is that all I have??
The Expectation
What would you think when you know you are going to war? I expected it to be messy. Not a single moment I thought about war as easy, it's always hard to take someone life and hard to adjust almost every other man just wanted you dead. However, I do not expect there would be a problem.
You believe in your training, your preparation, you know (or should I say, you think you know) what to do. You sort of expected it to get nasty and hairy.
The truth? However, is very, very, VERY far from what you think. You sort of just "live by" What you think you know about war, after all those war movie, after all those training video and all those simulation. You can just forget about it. War, is a different place.
What's more? It would be fair if you are just one of the guy, by definition, you don't need to think about anything, but when you are a 2LT took charge of a platoon. That's a whole other story. It's not just your own expectation that matter now, it's also about the people under your command, about how they expect of you....
In war, as an officer, you try to put up a bravado, a fake wall that you let your man know you know you shit, in reality, I spend the whole war wondering what was going on myself.
Under fire, your people look at you like you are the messiah, what Buddha,Jesus or Allah had put, they look at you like you have some kind of magical power that you will bring them out alright, that you know what you are doing. I mean, they are just 18 or 20, and I am just 2 years older, and we are in the same situation, what do you think I know and you don't know??
You have no expectation expect to yourself and your men, you expect you to survive, and you expect your people to survive, and you do it by doing the first thing come out of your mind, and hope and pray that it was the right way to go. Other than that, you have no expectation at all.
The Cultural Shock.
Another thing you don't expect is the culture, you can read about it all in national geographic, you can read about all those account everywhere, it's nothing like you were actually in Iraq. The smell, the people, the dust in your eyes, sand everywhere, people going about living as usual, as if there are nothing going on.
You are not allowed (As a man) to talk to a local woman without a (of is it the?) male companion. You are not allow to touch any local female. You are not allow to at anytime interfere with their praying time, you are not allow to disrespect the local, you cannot swear in public, or done anything raunchy.
The local kids tho, they are having a blast. Kids in the US won't be happy unless they have their Gameboy (Is it still a thing?) XBox, comics, TV, mobile phone (Not in 2003 tho), you gave them a pen, and they will play with it all days, they won't complain, they just keep playing with it, drawing stuff on their hand like it's something funny. You gave them a piece of paper, teach them how to fold it to an airplane. They would be happy for days on in.
The life over in Iraq is so simple. Partly because life is cheap over there. They have no value of their life, this is by no means disrespecting the people, simply because their life is so simple, they don't have any procession at all, probably that plus their religious view, they have a different approach to life than us.
Over there, life is extremely cheap, it's a concept that none of us who live safely in our home can image. They have been in war almost at a constant since 1980s, that's as long as since I was born, And in war, people dies, this concept is not very well digested to any of us.
We took life for granted, simply because there are virtually no chance that someone trying to kill you because you belong to another sector of the same religion, your building won't collapse all of a sudden by bombs, your kids won't find expanded munitions on the corner of the street to play with. You won't simply just died for no reason at all. It's like the chance you will get murder is none, but the chance you will get murder over there is, well, honestly, quite big.
My First Contact
Everybody have their own story, how they first got into a fight, what were they feeling. From my own experience, whoever told you they weren't scared, they are lying.
Nobody was ever built for gunfights, everybody's first time was mortifying. There were no exception for that, you can only try to "get used" to these type of situation.
My first time I was shot at I was behind a river bank, or creek bed of sort , securing a flank for the company, they were squeezing those Iraqi Insurgent out of a town.
At first, you wouldn't believe what was happening, your eyes seeing one thing, but your brain processing another. The problem is, before you were being shot at, chances are you don't know what was it like, and then you don't have a comparison point for you to know what's is it like to be shot at, for real. It's like tasting chocolate or ice cream for the first time, you got that feeling "Oh, this is how it feels"
Problem is, it took some time for you to adjust to that, your brain keep saying this is not what it looks like, your eyes keep seeing bullet, RPG bouncing and going around you kicking dust up or knocking anything down. you may think it's strange, but the first time I saw it, I remember clearly I said to myself "What the hell is that"
At that moment, I was thinking it ain't happening, they aren't shooting at me, but I look around, left and right, there are not a single soul but me, then they must be shooting at me. It took you seconds to minutes for you to adjust to combat, then you start functioning as a soldier, you started to take stock and account for the situation, then you formulate a plan.
Those minutes, felt like forever, it's like in a movie, I swear to god, I can see the bullet flying around me.
The First Kill
While I have been numerous engagement, you don't really know how your first kill feel unless you are close enough to hear and felt his last breath.
Some people will try to compare their first kill to hunting their first game (animal), the adrenaline rush and the excitement and all such thing. Someone once go so far and describe it as "Millions of emotion converged on a single moment"
In war, things are tad bit different. There are a "at the moment and after" difference you have to account for. The different when you are doing it, and when you are thinking about it afterward.
When you are killing people in war, you felt nothing, I mean literally nothing, at that moment, you are simply making a decision, you are doing your job, you are trying to survive, it happened so quick, you don't actually realize what you did, that you just kill a man.
Killing a person in war is like removing an obstacle in your way so that you can get thru. He is in your way between you and your objective. That naturally means you have to remove him before you can achieve your objective. It's like you want to go thru a door and there is a box in front of it, you will have to move the box before you went thru the door, right? Then what do you feel when you are removing the box?
What happened after is a completely different story, you felt bad about it, you felt guilty about it, at the same time, you tell yourselves this happens, you try not to think about it and move on, the one simple way to achieve this is by working harder, doing more. By that you means to kept your mind constantly occupied. You can't think about the dude you kill last week when you are killing people this week, this is how you feel. At least until there are no one to kill anymore.
When that happens, it's not what you feel matter, it's what you think you felt, and what you want yourself to think, that's what matters.
The Combat
Combat is the everyday life in war. You went to war, you expected combat. Nobody is forcing you to go to war, so by definition, nobody is forcing you into combat.
Problem is that, combat is basically an extremely strange thing to experience. Most soldier I know would have equate combat to some kind of drug. You know that's bad for you, you know it will eventually kills you, and yet, once you tried and experienced it, you want more.
It's not like something exhilarating, like jumping out of an aircraft 10,000 ft AGL. That is a sheer thrill, that make you feel happy about yourself. Nobody I know, including me, would ever feel "happy" in combat. It could be a sense of achievement if you completed a particular objective, or a sense of failure if you not, or it could be a sense of unknown when you walked into an ambush knowing nothing, it could be all of the feeling and emotion you could ever felt, exciting, scare, hopeful or even high. But not happy.
For a frontline soldier, combat is what you do, and there are only one purpose for you to exist in a battlefield, and that's combat, you could be an infantryman, and involved in an infantry combat, or a cavalryman and engage in a tank battle. One way or another, the sole purpose you were there is combat. That is the only things that's matter for you, but at the same time, that could also easily be the most craziest and scariest thing you would ever do your whole life.
So, what is combat? Combat is a thing that you will scare the most, and yet once you have experience in it, you will always asking for more, because that proof who you are and what you are over there, and that's combat for people like me.
R&R
Not all days in war are combat, at some point, you are going to need some down time. It's actually a lot like when you are at home, stateside, there are televisions, video games, movie, PX (Which is like a strip mall), Library, places to hang out and so on.
Unlike previous war like in Vietnam, you usually spend your down time in your base. You are rarely allowed outside the wire, most of the time you went outside the wire is for official business only. You are either on a mission, or you are travelling from base to base, like running a convoy.
For me, an officer, I got much less free time on my own, while most soldier days in between mission, it's lucky for me if I have any break at all, in between mission, there are so much more to do for an officer than a regular soldier, briefing, after action report, command meeting, mission planning, inspection, even argue with quartermaster take time.
When you are about 5 or 6 years older than the regular folks there, you took on a bit more responsibility, after all, those 43 people under my command is my responsibility, sometime you just need to sacrifice your personal time and try to get that edge that will lead your men out of those life and death situation.
Still, when I am free, I like to go online and send my folk an email, or try to call them at home. After that, my second favourite activities is playing Halo on Xbox with my fellow soldier. Yes, the best way I reckon to relief stress is to kill alien on a video game. Ironic isn't it?
Coming Home
For people like us, Iraq or Afghanistan is just a place we got to be, that's not our home, so one day, you are going to leave whether you like it or not.
Soldier bitch about everything, it's too warm down there, it's too cold down there, it's too early, it's too late, it looks too dangerous, the food is disgusting, or you just bitch about anything you see.
Most soldier over there wanted to go home, Iraq and Afghanistan is not something you want to be if you are not crazy. You do not have basic amenity, you pee behind bushes, you shit next to your Humvee. Everything happened over there seems like designed to make you live in hell, nothing you do is comfortable. Every moment I was there, I thought about home. And my bed, I would have bring my bed over there if I have the mean and opportunity.
But after 1 year or so (15 months in Iraq and Kuwait for me), that seems to be the only thing you do, the thing you used to, what happened at home is something you used to know, it's something familiar, yet strange to you. As you are adapted to the "Combat Time" and once you go back to the states, people speak the same language as you, they dress like you (after you got out of the fatigue). Yet you don't feel the affinity for them. You look at them, they are the same people, yet different.
Case in point, I went to a bar one day with some of my friend, the table next to me was watching and talking about the show called "American Idol". Now, I heard about American Idol before I got deployed, but I wasn't quite sure what's the big deal of it, and the way they carry on the show (voting on phone) was a new concept. While when I left US in late 2002, that show wasn't that big, but when I came back in 2004, that show was a big hit.
So naturally, I have no idea why those people talking about the show and call the show, and I started watching as well, I just don't understand how this could be on TV when it's just about some dude singing some song and try to get famous. So inadvertently, I said to my friend I don't get it. And the folks from the next table overheard me, and said "It's American Idol, where have you been in the last 2 years?"
"I was fight in Iraq the last 2 years, asshole" I want to say it to that guy, but instead I just told the guy I haven't watch much TV. People over in the US carry on with their life as if nothing ever happened. 9/11 was 3 years ago, not too many people were talking about it now, and the fighting is largely forgot and didn't make much news except when soldier dies.
Here, we sit practically next to each other, yet we may as well be 25.000 miles apart, their world is about TV, drinks and having a good time. At least this is how he spend his last year doing. For me and my friend? We spend the last year in a foreign country worry all year about getting killed. At the same time endure some of the most unendurable things that can happen to people, yet here we are, sitting no more than 3 feets of each other.
Another problem is, you sort of used to be in a highly tensed environment, and once you come back home, you cannot accept the fact that nobody is shooting at you, that nobody is putting a car bomb in the corner of the street, nobody is stopping your convoy just to kill you. And then your mind started to wonder, because this is what you used to do, that sort of "Survival Instinct" like checking the ride height of a car park next to you, or try to wave pass kids on the street, those instinct would make perfect sense when you were over there, back home, you look likes an idiot.
Then the PTSD set in, you started to get jumpy around, like overreacting to sound and sudden movement. And you get confused. You started to yell out just because someone is cutting in line or do some absolutely stupid thing that you used to just laugh about it. You started lost your bearing. One time, I was shopping in the local Costco with my then fiancé. People keep move around, pushing the trolley and what not, a tiny bit of sound, like dropping a cornflake, it bring you back, suddenly, I was back to killing Iraqi Insurgent in Costco.
PTSD is not something you can shake off easy, people have different way to deal with the problem. Some people talk about it, some people drink, some people just pretend they don't exist. This, compare to other problem soldier's facing, all other problem would just be a walk in a park.
And you know what? Why we went over there in the first place? Some of you might think we are in Iraq for its oil, or Afghanistan for whatever reason. You want to know what I think? We went there so these American can safely vote for their American Idol at home. Forget about 9/11, oil and other shit, that is the reason we go over there.
But was it matter? Don't forget, the duty for soldier is to fight in a war, it does not matter how we fought, who we fought, or what we fought for, as long as you take care of your own, as with they will take care of you, that's all that's matter.
The following is an open letter I wrote a few weeks ago to a brother of my friend who was about to deploy to Afghanistan for Operation Resolute Support. Today is April 25, ANZAC Day, and I have decided to share this letter to all of you and for those who may have experienced combat, it would be a staunch reminder of how it was, for those who are about to experience combat, I hope you will find out what you are expecting in this letter, and to those of you combat is a distant sense for you, I hope you found solace to those of us that went thru.
So, what war in the middle east looks like?
I was 22 when I went to war in Iraq, as a freshly commissioned 22 years old 2nd Lieutenant. I was just out of OCS after attending 2 and a half years in college. I was given command of 43 people (The platoon FO is not under my command).
My first command started as a 19C (Cavalry Officer) but was pulled to provide disembarked infantry support as an infantry platoon. Not a big deal, war is war, just that you didn't fight behind a 2 inch thick armour plated vehicle, that does not mean anything.
The War, as you might call. Was a new concept for me, like many men before me, I never quite understood what I was getting into before I was there. It's like something that out of this world, it is something that you don't find or see or feel living in this world, that nothing is exploding, nothing is try to get you for doing absolutely nothing. They kill you just because you were there.
That world, is something people won't understand unless they experience it for the first time.
Who I was?
13 years don't seems like a long time ago, but being 22 for me may as well be 200 millions years away. I can't remember what my life was 13 years ago. I remember I was in college, ordering domino pizza.
Avril Lavigne was still a tomboy with her song "complicated" just came out and radio station keep playing it. I remember I was in my dorm room a lot playing Halo on Xbox.
Being a 22 years old, you go out and drink with friends, girl friends and trying to have the best night of your life, being 22 for me feel like invincible. Nothing is going to stop me from having fun, having a good run.
Still in college, I was thinking about my future, there were many option at hands, I can be writing for a newspaper political column, or I can keep on studying and make something out of my name. Instead, there is just one more thing I need to do, that's going to the military.
I was a part of an ROTC unit back in college, that's how I afford my tuition. I can either use my degree and went to OCS (which I did) or enlist with 2 years ROTC experience. Either way, this is what I need to do before the Army cut me loose. And that is what I did.
The Storage Locker
Everybody have one, while you are away and nobody is looking after your stuff. It's also not uncommon for soldier to rent a storage locker to store their stuff because it got too emotional for their family to look at. I have one, even tho I was living on base with my then girl friend, which did not end well in the end.
It's not uncommon to store personal item, as well as something large like a motorcycle. or your car or pick up, but it also means "Stuff that you left behind when you died" So, what exactly you want people to pick up in case this is your goodbye?
To be fair, I don't planned on getting kill or got anything like that, but still your belonging needed to be stored, it's quite hard, actually, going thru your own stuff and deciding what to be discover by your next of kin when you were killed.
In the end, it's kind of sad to see all 22 years of your life being condensed to a 3x9 meter storage. You can't stop but think, is that all I have??
The Expectation
What would you think when you know you are going to war? I expected it to be messy. Not a single moment I thought about war as easy, it's always hard to take someone life and hard to adjust almost every other man just wanted you dead. However, I do not expect there would be a problem.
You believe in your training, your preparation, you know (or should I say, you think you know) what to do. You sort of expected it to get nasty and hairy.
The truth? However, is very, very, VERY far from what you think. You sort of just "live by" What you think you know about war, after all those war movie, after all those training video and all those simulation. You can just forget about it. War, is a different place.
What's more? It would be fair if you are just one of the guy, by definition, you don't need to think about anything, but when you are a 2LT took charge of a platoon. That's a whole other story. It's not just your own expectation that matter now, it's also about the people under your command, about how they expect of you....
In war, as an officer, you try to put up a bravado, a fake wall that you let your man know you know you shit, in reality, I spend the whole war wondering what was going on myself.
Under fire, your people look at you like you are the messiah, what Buddha,Jesus or Allah had put, they look at you like you have some kind of magical power that you will bring them out alright, that you know what you are doing. I mean, they are just 18 or 20, and I am just 2 years older, and we are in the same situation, what do you think I know and you don't know??
You have no expectation expect to yourself and your men, you expect you to survive, and you expect your people to survive, and you do it by doing the first thing come out of your mind, and hope and pray that it was the right way to go. Other than that, you have no expectation at all.
The Cultural Shock.
Another thing you don't expect is the culture, you can read about it all in national geographic, you can read about all those account everywhere, it's nothing like you were actually in Iraq. The smell, the people, the dust in your eyes, sand everywhere, people going about living as usual, as if there are nothing going on.
You are not allowed (As a man) to talk to a local woman without a (of is it the?) male companion. You are not allow to touch any local female. You are not allow to at anytime interfere with their praying time, you are not allow to disrespect the local, you cannot swear in public, or done anything raunchy.
The local kids tho, they are having a blast. Kids in the US won't be happy unless they have their Gameboy (Is it still a thing?) XBox, comics, TV, mobile phone (Not in 2003 tho), you gave them a pen, and they will play with it all days, they won't complain, they just keep playing with it, drawing stuff on their hand like it's something funny. You gave them a piece of paper, teach them how to fold it to an airplane. They would be happy for days on in.
The life over in Iraq is so simple. Partly because life is cheap over there. They have no value of their life, this is by no means disrespecting the people, simply because their life is so simple, they don't have any procession at all, probably that plus their religious view, they have a different approach to life than us.
Over there, life is extremely cheap, it's a concept that none of us who live safely in our home can image. They have been in war almost at a constant since 1980s, that's as long as since I was born, And in war, people dies, this concept is not very well digested to any of us.
We took life for granted, simply because there are virtually no chance that someone trying to kill you because you belong to another sector of the same religion, your building won't collapse all of a sudden by bombs, your kids won't find expanded munitions on the corner of the street to play with. You won't simply just died for no reason at all. It's like the chance you will get murder is none, but the chance you will get murder over there is, well, honestly, quite big.
My First Contact
Everybody have their own story, how they first got into a fight, what were they feeling. From my own experience, whoever told you they weren't scared, they are lying.
Nobody was ever built for gunfights, everybody's first time was mortifying. There were no exception for that, you can only try to "get used" to these type of situation.
My first time I was shot at I was behind a river bank, or creek bed of sort , securing a flank for the company, they were squeezing those Iraqi Insurgent out of a town.
At first, you wouldn't believe what was happening, your eyes seeing one thing, but your brain processing another. The problem is, before you were being shot at, chances are you don't know what was it like, and then you don't have a comparison point for you to know what's is it like to be shot at, for real. It's like tasting chocolate or ice cream for the first time, you got that feeling "Oh, this is how it feels"
Problem is, it took some time for you to adjust to that, your brain keep saying this is not what it looks like, your eyes keep seeing bullet, RPG bouncing and going around you kicking dust up or knocking anything down. you may think it's strange, but the first time I saw it, I remember clearly I said to myself "What the hell is that"
At that moment, I was thinking it ain't happening, they aren't shooting at me, but I look around, left and right, there are not a single soul but me, then they must be shooting at me. It took you seconds to minutes for you to adjust to combat, then you start functioning as a soldier, you started to take stock and account for the situation, then you formulate a plan.
Those minutes, felt like forever, it's like in a movie, I swear to god, I can see the bullet flying around me.
The First Kill
While I have been numerous engagement, you don't really know how your first kill feel unless you are close enough to hear and felt his last breath.
Some people will try to compare their first kill to hunting their first game (animal), the adrenaline rush and the excitement and all such thing. Someone once go so far and describe it as "Millions of emotion converged on a single moment"
In war, things are tad bit different. There are a "at the moment and after" difference you have to account for. The different when you are doing it, and when you are thinking about it afterward.
When you are killing people in war, you felt nothing, I mean literally nothing, at that moment, you are simply making a decision, you are doing your job, you are trying to survive, it happened so quick, you don't actually realize what you did, that you just kill a man.
Killing a person in war is like removing an obstacle in your way so that you can get thru. He is in your way between you and your objective. That naturally means you have to remove him before you can achieve your objective. It's like you want to go thru a door and there is a box in front of it, you will have to move the box before you went thru the door, right? Then what do you feel when you are removing the box?
What happened after is a completely different story, you felt bad about it, you felt guilty about it, at the same time, you tell yourselves this happens, you try not to think about it and move on, the one simple way to achieve this is by working harder, doing more. By that you means to kept your mind constantly occupied. You can't think about the dude you kill last week when you are killing people this week, this is how you feel. At least until there are no one to kill anymore.
When that happens, it's not what you feel matter, it's what you think you felt, and what you want yourself to think, that's what matters.
The Combat
Combat is the everyday life in war. You went to war, you expected combat. Nobody is forcing you to go to war, so by definition, nobody is forcing you into combat.
Problem is that, combat is basically an extremely strange thing to experience. Most soldier I know would have equate combat to some kind of drug. You know that's bad for you, you know it will eventually kills you, and yet, once you tried and experienced it, you want more.
It's not like something exhilarating, like jumping out of an aircraft 10,000 ft AGL. That is a sheer thrill, that make you feel happy about yourself. Nobody I know, including me, would ever feel "happy" in combat. It could be a sense of achievement if you completed a particular objective, or a sense of failure if you not, or it could be a sense of unknown when you walked into an ambush knowing nothing, it could be all of the feeling and emotion you could ever felt, exciting, scare, hopeful or even high. But not happy.
For a frontline soldier, combat is what you do, and there are only one purpose for you to exist in a battlefield, and that's combat, you could be an infantryman, and involved in an infantry combat, or a cavalryman and engage in a tank battle. One way or another, the sole purpose you were there is combat. That is the only things that's matter for you, but at the same time, that could also easily be the most craziest and scariest thing you would ever do your whole life.
So, what is combat? Combat is a thing that you will scare the most, and yet once you have experience in it, you will always asking for more, because that proof who you are and what you are over there, and that's combat for people like me.
R&R
Not all days in war are combat, at some point, you are going to need some down time. It's actually a lot like when you are at home, stateside, there are televisions, video games, movie, PX (Which is like a strip mall), Library, places to hang out and so on.
Unlike previous war like in Vietnam, you usually spend your down time in your base. You are rarely allowed outside the wire, most of the time you went outside the wire is for official business only. You are either on a mission, or you are travelling from base to base, like running a convoy.
For me, an officer, I got much less free time on my own, while most soldier days in between mission, it's lucky for me if I have any break at all, in between mission, there are so much more to do for an officer than a regular soldier, briefing, after action report, command meeting, mission planning, inspection, even argue with quartermaster take time.
When you are about 5 or 6 years older than the regular folks there, you took on a bit more responsibility, after all, those 43 people under my command is my responsibility, sometime you just need to sacrifice your personal time and try to get that edge that will lead your men out of those life and death situation.
Still, when I am free, I like to go online and send my folk an email, or try to call them at home. After that, my second favourite activities is playing Halo on Xbox with my fellow soldier. Yes, the best way I reckon to relief stress is to kill alien on a video game. Ironic isn't it?
Coming Home
For people like us, Iraq or Afghanistan is just a place we got to be, that's not our home, so one day, you are going to leave whether you like it or not.
Soldier bitch about everything, it's too warm down there, it's too cold down there, it's too early, it's too late, it looks too dangerous, the food is disgusting, or you just bitch about anything you see.
Most soldier over there wanted to go home, Iraq and Afghanistan is not something you want to be if you are not crazy. You do not have basic amenity, you pee behind bushes, you shit next to your Humvee. Everything happened over there seems like designed to make you live in hell, nothing you do is comfortable. Every moment I was there, I thought about home. And my bed, I would have bring my bed over there if I have the mean and opportunity.
But after 1 year or so (15 months in Iraq and Kuwait for me), that seems to be the only thing you do, the thing you used to, what happened at home is something you used to know, it's something familiar, yet strange to you. As you are adapted to the "Combat Time" and once you go back to the states, people speak the same language as you, they dress like you (after you got out of the fatigue). Yet you don't feel the affinity for them. You look at them, they are the same people, yet different.
Case in point, I went to a bar one day with some of my friend, the table next to me was watching and talking about the show called "American Idol". Now, I heard about American Idol before I got deployed, but I wasn't quite sure what's the big deal of it, and the way they carry on the show (voting on phone) was a new concept. While when I left US in late 2002, that show wasn't that big, but when I came back in 2004, that show was a big hit.
So naturally, I have no idea why those people talking about the show and call the show, and I started watching as well, I just don't understand how this could be on TV when it's just about some dude singing some song and try to get famous. So inadvertently, I said to my friend I don't get it. And the folks from the next table overheard me, and said "It's American Idol, where have you been in the last 2 years?"
"I was fight in Iraq the last 2 years, asshole" I want to say it to that guy, but instead I just told the guy I haven't watch much TV. People over in the US carry on with their life as if nothing ever happened. 9/11 was 3 years ago, not too many people were talking about it now, and the fighting is largely forgot and didn't make much news except when soldier dies.
Here, we sit practically next to each other, yet we may as well be 25.000 miles apart, their world is about TV, drinks and having a good time. At least this is how he spend his last year doing. For me and my friend? We spend the last year in a foreign country worry all year about getting killed. At the same time endure some of the most unendurable things that can happen to people, yet here we are, sitting no more than 3 feets of each other.
Another problem is, you sort of used to be in a highly tensed environment, and once you come back home, you cannot accept the fact that nobody is shooting at you, that nobody is putting a car bomb in the corner of the street, nobody is stopping your convoy just to kill you. And then your mind started to wonder, because this is what you used to do, that sort of "Survival Instinct" like checking the ride height of a car park next to you, or try to wave pass kids on the street, those instinct would make perfect sense when you were over there, back home, you look likes an idiot.
Then the PTSD set in, you started to get jumpy around, like overreacting to sound and sudden movement. And you get confused. You started to yell out just because someone is cutting in line or do some absolutely stupid thing that you used to just laugh about it. You started lost your bearing. One time, I was shopping in the local Costco with my then fiancé. People keep move around, pushing the trolley and what not, a tiny bit of sound, like dropping a cornflake, it bring you back, suddenly, I was back to killing Iraqi Insurgent in Costco.
PTSD is not something you can shake off easy, people have different way to deal with the problem. Some people talk about it, some people drink, some people just pretend they don't exist. This, compare to other problem soldier's facing, all other problem would just be a walk in a park.
And you know what? Why we went over there in the first place? Some of you might think we are in Iraq for its oil, or Afghanistan for whatever reason. You want to know what I think? We went there so these American can safely vote for their American Idol at home. Forget about 9/11, oil and other shit, that is the reason we go over there.
But was it matter? Don't forget, the duty for soldier is to fight in a war, it does not matter how we fought, who we fought, or what we fought for, as long as you take care of your own, as with they will take care of you, that's all that's matter.
