A very nice satire on the confused state of Pakistani public & politicians.
Adiah AfrazSunday, November 03, 2013
From Print Edition
27 20 2 1
That Hakeemullah is dead is no laughing matter, but that we are a nation of cluelessness personified most definitely is – yet in a very sad kind of a way. And when I say we, I include myself in the picture too.
“Hakeemullah who?” is one standard question that people ask, especially when the death interrupts a cricket match. “Hakeemullah, the Taliban leader”, you try to educate the masses. “Which Taliban? The good ones or the bad ones?”... “Well, the bad ones I guess”... “What's a bad Taliban?”, you are challenged.... “What's a good Taliban?”, you counterchallenge.
The truth is, nobody knows. Yet we all try any way.
“The bad Taliban are those who kill Pakistanis in bomb blasts and then take responsibility for it”, you try to explain... “The good Taliban are those who are victims of drone attacks and have been forced to become Taliban”, you get the other definition... “Very smart”, you say, “please complete the definition. The good Taliban are those who are victims of drone attacks and...? And they do what?”
A little reflective pause. “And they do bomb blasts to show their anger” Eureka!! Very smart! “They do bomb blasts where? Where do they do these bomb blasts to show their anger? On the moon?”
“No, in Pakistan”. This with a sheepish reluctance.
“So what happens in those bomb blasts?”, you build the momentum. “People die”, you get the answer. “Which people?”, you goad. “Pakistani people, I guess”. “Yes. Good. Pakistani people, people like us. People who are just living their lives, who have no enemies, who go to work and send their children to school. They just die. They go out on routine matters but they come back dead because your good Taliban bomb them”.
“But people die in drone attacks too?”, comes a triumphant response. “People, Pakistani people who are normal people like us, only poorer. They have children who are normal children, only poorer, and they go out to live their normal lives and they come back dead.
“And then only Malala gets to become famous and write a book about it and gets all the attention and nobody even thinks about the 13-year-olds who get killed in drone attacks every day around here. Is that because they don't survive to write a book? And Afia Siddiqui is languishing in a jail and Syrian Muslims are in trouble and even minorities in India are suffering and our pseudo-liberals talk about a rape victim in Pakistan just to counterbalance the bad press that Indian rape incidents create, and to malign Pakistan and…”
“Hey, hey hey, time out buddy!”, you interrupt. “Easy hero. One thing at a time please. Let's keep it down a notch for a second and let's go back to step one. We were talking about Taliban remember? Let's go back there.”
“Ha! Gotcha! It's because you are pro-Malala. You don't want to talk about her because it would expose her”. “No, it's not that. I am just trying to deconstruct this argument”, you clarify. “Maybe I will lose in the end, but I want to know what exactly the problem is. So wanna start again? Ok, thanks.”
“So let's go back to where I say that the so-called ‘good Taliban’ do kill people in Pakistan and you say...” “But most of the times they don't kill and somebody else does”, you are interrupted.
“And how do you know this?”, you ask. ”Because the Taliban say so themselves”, you are told. “And how do you know they are telling the truth?”, you ask. “Because when they do kill they are honest enough to admit it. When they don't kill they say they didn't do it”.
“Ok, fair enough”, you say. “I believe you. But still they do kill, right? They might not kill all of the people all of the times but they do kill some of the people some of the times? Huh?”. “Yea I guess”, comes the reluctant reply. “So does that make them good Taliban or bad Taliban?”
A moment of silence.
“That makes them neither. That makes them angry. They are angry because they are being droned. The innocent children and young ones and old ones are being droned.”
“Who drones them?”, you ask. “America!” “So why do they kill us?” Slight pause. “Well they have to take out their anger somewhere”, a reluctant admission. “What if they take out their anger on you and your family one day, God forbid. Will you still call them good?”
“What if they drone you and your family one day? Would you still call them good drones?” “But I never called them good drones. We haven't even come to drones yet. We were only defining the good and the bad Taliban.”
“See, that's the problem. Liberals in this country don't want to talk about drones. When you talk about drones, they say we haven't come to drones yet. That is why the Muslims are going down. We are hypocrites”.
“Ok, thank you for the compliment. But please answer my question. If the good Taliban are angry at drones why do they kill us?”
Pause.
“Because they live in Pakistan and we are closer to them so they...”
Pause.
“Ok, I am going to ignore this and let you re-phrase your answer”, you take the magnanimous route.
“Well, Ok. These Taliban are not educated. They consider us part of the American coalition and consider us to be the ones to be droning them so they bomb us”.
“So does that make them good Taliban?”
“I don't know. It's not as simple as that”.
Pause.
“You tell, does that make them good drones?”
“I don't know. It's not as simple as that”.
Pause.
“Wanna go for coffee?”
“Yea, you?”
“Yea”.
Pause.
“So tell me, is Hakeemullah really dead or is this also a big fat lie like Osama bin Laden's death?”
The writer is a graduate student at the University of Oxford, and faculty member at LUMS.
Email:
adiahafraz@gmail.com
http://www.thenews.com.pk/Todays-News-9-212021-The-good-the-bad-and-the-clueless