Indrani
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Step 1:Origins: DO NOT be born in a rural or semi-urban family with limited means. Only the following permutations of parentage are recognized:
- Urban rich (Bentley rich)
- Urban upper middle class
- One parent in administration
- Both parents in administration (bonus points)
Step 2:Education: DO NOT be educated in a (insert regional language here) medium school. The only language with which the battle of equality has to be fought is the Queen’s. Nobody will take you and your endeavours seriously if you get your tongue dusty by speaking a native language. Clipped accents are highly desirable.
Step 3:Back story: The importance of a good back story in the development of a budding liberal can not be overstated. The following examples are useful:”I saw the disenfranchised, downtrodden (insert currently relevant minority group) as a child, and that is when I decided that all my education and academic brilliance was for naught until it served towards the rehabilitation of (the said group).”
Step 4:Vocabulary: Research has shown that a rich vocabulary can be utilized to defend an otherwise illogical argument. Ensure that you are familiar with the correct usage of the following words and phrases: regressive social milieu, fundamentalist outlook, soul of secularism, Idea of India, right wing aggression, inclusiveness, Nehruvian legacy, Vodka Vandalism, Aman and Asha and so on. (Sanskrit words are discouraged, do not use them under any circumstance.)
Note: It is NOT important to understand any of the above terms, simple usage in conversation will establish your liberal credentials rather strongly.
Step 5:Literature: As a newly minted liberal, you are expected to write a dissertation (the liberal community will find a publisher, don’t you worry) on an obscure topic that may or may not help people, but is perceived to be a hot button issue;(marketability > sincerity). Illustrative examples include:
1. Environmental pollution; be advised,however, that Narmada, Ganges, Yamuna have all been already booked
2. Marginalization of tribal population (Beware: the Gondwanas have their own party now, that well is dry).
3. Token representation of unjustly treated minorities (attempting shall be enough, you are not expected to follow through)
4. Rising Saffron terror (Failure to include will result in summary disqualification)
Step 6:Branding: It is important to be seen working in the trenches. Be advised, you shall be required to be photographed in situ, where you have to look like you are attempting to help a perceived backward group in the realisation of their aspirations. Tip: It is important to look like you are helping, it is not mandatory to actually help.
Step 7:Social media: Regrettably, the advent of Social Media has put a spanner in the otherwise smooth functioning machinery of minting liberals. It is advisable to use the following methods when on social media:
- NEVER post something that does not require the hoi polloi to use a dictionary. It is for their own good, and also provides a backdoor if you are caught saying something inadvisable.
- IDENTIFY your detractors and reduce their arguments to petty quibbles by using the following terms: “the big picture”, “holistically speaking”, “lack of a worldview”, “for the greater good”, and again “Idea of India” (see following)
- “Idea of India” is your Get Out of Jail free card. Use it whenever you believe you are cornered. Assault the gutless, tilak sporting, mundu wearing, misogynist, female orgasm hating, under-educated, anti-feminist, caste loving, minority hating, Bollywood and samosa loving heathenswith it until both parties are sufficiently confused.
Step 8:Noise: The bedrock of good liberal ideology, it is of vital importance that you generate as much noise to disrupt an argument as your are physically capable of producing. The quality of noise should be such that it drowns apart whatever it is that the unwashed are saying. If you can not do it by volume, it is recommended that you write TL/DR posts online in response to EVERYONE of your detractors. The key is to appear intelligent and inclusive while being neither.
Step 9:Attire: It is useless to build your brand of liberalism if you can not be singled out at a glance. As you might have surmised, it is important to look like you are doing something important, irrespective of how irrelevant you might be. Hence the following guidelines should be followed:
Females: It is mandatory to use FabIndia apparel. Individualization can be achieved as follows:
Hindu Females- Do not use Bindi, you are secular and unencumbered by regressive Hindu social norms.
Muslim Females- Use Big Bindi, you are secular and unencumbered by regressive Muslim social norms.
Christian Females- English name is enough. You are one of us.
Sikh Females- All the Best.
Other Females- Find one of the above to latch to.
Males: Buy a Gandhi Bag (anybody who calls it a Jhola shall be summarily excommunicated) and gift one/more to the female/s of your choice. In addition, always remember: Marx did not shave, why should you?
Step 10:This is the last step before you can claim you liberal credentials completely. You are advised to think of it as a Final Exam/ Acceptance Ritual/ Rite of Passage. All new liberals shall undertake the following tasks:
- Find a right winger and accuse her/him of being anti-nationalist.
- Successfully defend a charge of being called Anti-Indian by the right wingers.
And that is it! You are now a liberal in India. Your duties shall be covered in another chapter of this textbook, but for now, you are advised to enjoy the feeling of the non-indoctrinated, free thinking, socially responsible, morally incorruptible, properly educated, Scotch loving, bhadralok.
The 10 easy steps to becoming an Indian Liberal | The UnReal Times
