Arranged marriages?

[yuba]

My mum also wants me to get married to a “well settled family” she knows in Pakistan in 3-4 years, however arrange marriage just doesn’t feel right for me, I mean if you fall in love with someone beforehand then I think you should get a love marriage, however if you don’t have a bf/gf I think arrange marriages are fine. Arrange marriages apparently last much much longer, however everyone’s different. If it was me in your place, I’d say stay single and enjoy life while you can.

Exactly, tbh Im Defo above average in looks, if it was up to me I can get a gf rn easily, however the issue is, upsetting my parents, my parents have always said it’s fine if I eventually get a gf and get married, but their “wish” is to get married to someone they want, end of day that means you can’t go against their wish.

My brother I had a few girlfriends at high school did not love them but being 15 to 18 the urges of a young man have to be sorted out. I got into drugs methamphetamine or crank as we called it which makes you super horny so would have that with my girlfriend and you know what happens. In my senior year I fell in love with this American girl just loved her we dated through her college years. After 8 years together she wanted to know where I stood. It tore me up to be honest she was everything I wanted but I knew my parents would be devastated and would ostracise me definitely my dad would I knew it. She was educated gorgeous and did not do drugs I would not do drugs around her I loved her so much. But i could not imagine never talking to my mom how much that would hurt her and would cause friction between my mom and dad because my mom would want to see me. My older brother had my nephew by then and i loved the little shit not seeing them would rip my heart. It came down to my girlfriend or family I could not turn my back on the family it would have been a selfish choice. The day I told my girlfriend was apart from my mom passing the worst day in my life she was devastated and I wanted to die. I never had an attraction to south Asian girls but I told my family to find me a girl my wife is so pretty but not my type. Our love grew not because she was good-looking but what we shared together plus I respected how she stayed when I spent nights out I never hit her but i never showed her love either for the first few years. Now I am so happy I made the choice I have my family and family matters. Our parents came to a foreign country faced racism my dad worked his arse off to be successful he gave up his youth for our future the least I could do was give him and my mom that.

My advice to you brother is to give your parents this one thing they want most family is what matters. Not saying marry a girl you not attracted to or hate but let them find a girl you happy with. That one decision will make them happy they won't be here forever so make them happy. I chose my family and married a girl they found for me and after a bumpy start im so happy brother. I love my wife so much she stayed when many would not she my life . I so happy she the girl i growing old with and my mom is gone now if I would have chosen my American girlfriend I would have so many regrets now. After my mom died my wife told me she did not lose a mother in law she lost a mom what a women

 

[Sunshine48]

Can you give some examples of the significant differences in ideologies and moral values?

Religious and political differences

 

[Pandora]

Depends i had an arranged marriage whereas my brother went for love marriage. In a country like Pakistan Parents sensibilities are something you need to keep in mind as well unless you have very open minded parents. It is not like i didnt try my luck with love but for me i found it to be stressful. In the end depends on your circumstances.

 

[Blacklight]

Religious and political differences

Political differences - No political party / person is worth spoiling your personal life over. Ignore, and move on.

Religion - @araz @PakSword @Bigbang1983 @Iltutmish can guide you better.

 

[PakSword]

Religious and political differences

Political differences, not an issue at all. In my family, PTI and PMLN supporters are living together (this is a difference that even a republican and a democrat can't even think about).

Religious differences, if they are significant, and don't want to compromise, the marriage ends.

However, I don't see significant religious differences in arranged marriages. I haven't seen a Christian/Muslim couple whose marriage was arranged. I haven't even seen Suuni and Shia marriages being arranged... even deobandi/ barelvi families try to avoid each other.

Love marriages, on the other hand, can have these differences that can cause severe problems when the children become teenagers and both parents want to impose their religious ideologies. By that time, the love already becomes a thing of the past. Extreme fights occur and the marriages sometimes end with both thinking they have only wasted their lives.

There are other differences as well which can come up in both cases. For example, one party is a bijli chor, while the other hates stealing even a penny. These are the ones which are the most problematic. But they occur in both cases..

 

[Bigbang1983]

Walaikumus Salam

This really puts my heart at ease. JazakAllahu khaira

I am glad I could help.

Wa iyyaki

 

[Blacklight]

Religious and political differences

Political differences - No political party / person is worth spoiling your personal life over. Ignore, and move on.

Religion - @araz @PakSword @Bigbang1983 @Iltutmish can guide you better.

Just to add on to what I said above on Religion, Keeping in mind, that you will answer in your grave, and not someone else's, really helps.

 

[Sunshine48]

Political differences, not an issue at all. In my family, PTI and PMLN supporters are living together (this is a difference that even a republican and a democrat can't even think about).

Religious differences, if they are significant, and don't want to compromise, the marriage ends.

However, I don't see significant religious differences in arranged marriages. I haven't seen a Christian/Muslim couple whose marriage was arranged. I haven't even seen Suuni and Shia marriages being arranged... even deobandi/ barelvi families try to avoid each other.

Love marriages, on the other hand, can have these differences that can cause severe problems when the children become teenagers and both parents want to impose their religious ideologies. By that time, the love already becomes a thing of the past. Extreme fights occur and the marriages sometimes end with both thinking they have only wasted their lives.

There are other differences as well which can come up in both cases. For example, one party is a bijli chor, while the other hates stealing even a penny. These are the ones which are the most problematic. But they occur in both cases..

Not Shia/Sunni, Deobandi/Barelvi type differences but something like myself considering Palestinian struggle to be legitimate but he believes Muslims should leave Palestine, make hijrah, leave the land to the Jews etc

 

[lastofthepatriots]

You learn to love the person. If it doesn’t happen, it will happen after having kids.

but you should definitely get to know the other person before saying yes.

 

[Iltutmish]

Not Shia/Sunni, Deobandi/Barelvi type differences but something like myself considering Palestinian struggle to be legitimate but he believes Muslims should leave Palestine, make hijrah, leave the land to the Jews etc

This is a minor disagreement and given the status quo (Palestinians are on their own, nobody is going to save them, just cheap talk for the votes), it’s an option even I discussed with a friend of mine. Maybe it’s the best for them to leave and accept the ugly reality… I would say his opinion is not a game changer. It’s more a sign of him thinking outside the box and not just repeating slogans from others. But you decide whether it’s going to affect you or not.
And you have to consider following: how does a disagreement on a specific topic affect our everyday life? Is it something like „he has a different favorite color than me“ or is it more severe like he wants to have his whole family living with us? Palestine is a major topic, yes, and as Muslims we should at least make dua for them and not forget them, but our everyday life is not affected by having a different opinion about their legal status as state…

 

[RealNapster]

They stay together till death but do they get fed up of each other? Do they regret their decision?

Is rishty me Allah ne muhabat daali Hy. Anjaan se b kro to 4th day pe apko mohabat ho chuki hoge iski guarantee Hy.

 

[PakSword]

Not Shia/Sunni, Deobandi/Barelvi type differences but something like myself considering Palestinian struggle to be legitimate but he believes Muslims should leave Palestine, make hijrah, leave the land to the Jews etc

This is not a religious difference. It's the difference in strategy one proposes to solve the dispute/ win a war.

For example, I was a strong believer of an armed struggle, but now I am not. It's the strategy. In the past, many Muslim generals retreated as an tactical move. I would like to mention Khalid Bin Waleed (RA) here, he conceded ground to Romans as a strategy before attacking them when he got the help from Khalifa Umar (RA).

A religious difference that you can find after marriage is that one spouse prays and the other doesn't. Here, there are two opinions, one says that if a person leaves the prayer out of laziness, but he still believes that prayer is fard, you don't have to worry about anything, except remind him from time to time and pray that Allah helps him.

Another difference that often surfaces is that when a person starts saying "prayer is not mandatory" or "I will not pray at all, it's a useless thing" or he says "He doesn't believe in Zakat" or doesn't believe that Adam was the first human, instead starts believing that he has been evolved from an ape, in these scenarios, majority of scholars say that the marriage becomes invalid.. unless he repents/ goes back to the fundamentals of Islam.

There are many strategies one can adopt in the struggle feesabeelillah. Prophet (PBUH) migrated when the Muslims were weak, but never gave up on his claims of the Makkan land and once they became powerful, retook that from the tyrants. I don't see it as a religious difference at all.

I swing between the two as well. Last year, I was thinking someone should just eliminate Zionist fitnah.. today I am thinking that Muslims should adopt a different strategy... that includes making significant progress in science and tech before taking on Zionists. Tomorrow, I may go back to the original one.

 

[Raja Porus]

Mos tof the members activie in this thread are very senior ones. Just like WhatsApp groups of retired officers.

 

[PakSword]

Mos tof the members activie in this thread are very senior ones. Just like WhatsApp groups of retired officers.

Of course, that's why you are seeing mature discussion to help out someone in need.

 

[waz]

23. I'm a medical student. Will practice in future inshaAllah.

Please sister become a doctor. We lost so many of our women who went through the schooling to only have it on their CV for a good man, or were prevented by their in laws.