The real story of US-Pak relations

[Devil Soul]

The real story of US-Pak relations
NADEEM F. PARACHA — UPDATED 27 minutes ago
The United States established diplomatic relations with Pakistan on 20 October 1947, even though it wasn’t quite sure exactly where Pakistan was. The relationship since then has been based primarily on US economic and military assistance to Pakistan which Pakistan never seems to get enough of.

The United States is the second-largest supplier of military equipment to Pakistan and largest economic aid contributor. But some Pakistanis refuse to acknowledge this and insist that the equipment and the aid actually come from Saudi Arabia via Dubai on flying camels.

In 1955, Pakistan became a member of the Central Treaty Organization (CENTO), a US-led military alliance formed to keep in check the expansionist designs of the Soviet Union — an evil empire which didn’t believe in Santa Claus.

This and the promise of economic aid from the US was instrumental in making Pakistan join the organisation. Getting the secret Coca-Cola formula was also a motivation.

US Vice President John Wayne and a curly-haired Pakistani reviewing an agreement in Karachi in 1958. The US agreed to provide Pakistan economic and military aid but was non-committal about sharing Coca Cola’s secret formula. The curly haired Pakistani was very disappointed.


During the 1965 Indo-Pakistan War, the US did not provide Pakistan with the military support that it had pledged. This generated a widespread feeling in Pakistan that the United States was no longer a reliable ally. Many believed that a plot was afoot to dismantle Pakistan with the help of India, Israel and maybe even Iceland.

According to the US, it cut off weapons supplies because Pakistan had started the war. Pakistani president, Air Water Field Marshal Sharbat Gul, wondered what the US was expecting Pakistan to do with the pledged weapons. "Surely, we couldn’t have played cricket with them," he gibed while talking to a Washington Post correspondent in Karachi.

In a statement released by the White House, US President Lyndon B. Johnson & Jonson said: "The US has always desired peace in the Middle East." When he was told that Pakistan and India were not in the Middle East but South Asia, Johnson & Johnson revoked the statement and asked that a junior clerk in the foreign office be given the task to issue a new statement.

The new statement issued by one Robert said: "The US has always desired peace in South Asia and thus treats all countries in this region equally; especially India, Pakistan, Indonesia, the Philippines and Papua New Guinea."

When told that the last three countries were not in the South Asia, Robert revoked the statement and asked a White House cook to issue a new one. The cook in a new statement stated: "The US is coming to terms with something called the chicken tikka masala. So have patience and make peace. Bon appétit."

The Indian Prime Minister Sri Sri Lal Chandan Mohan Papeeta welcomed the statement but added that Indians made better chicken tikka masala than Pakistan. He then passed away.

Peace was finally brokered between India and Pakistan by the Soviet Union. The move was supported by the US despite the fact that the Soviets still didn’t believe in Santa.

Pakistani President Air Water Field Marshal Sharbat Gul.

Indian PM Sri Sri Lal Chandan Mohan Papeeta.


In 1971, when a civil war erupted in Pakistan’s eastern wing India entered the fray triggering another war between the two countries. The US again refused to lift the arms embargo. By now, a majority of Pakistanis were convinced that indeed a plan was afoot to dismantle Pakistan with the help of India, Israel, Iceland, and maybe even Ireland.

Pakistan’s president, General Khas Khan, issued a short but strongly worded statement against the embargo. In it he stated: "This is a strongly worded statement against the US arms embargo."

The White House was quick to respond. US President John Wayne assured Khan that the US remained to be a strong ally of Pakistan and saw its existence as vital for the stability of the East African region.

When told that Pakistan was in South Asia and not East Africa, President Wayne asked, "how come nobody tells me these things?" He then got his old geography teacher, Mrs Appleton, fired from her job.

Mrs Appleton.


Though the war ended badly for Pakistan, its aftermath saw the removal of General Khas and the coming to power of Zulfikar Ali Brando. Brando had struck an amiable relationship with President Wayne when he (Brando) facilitated his (Wayne’s) unexpected visit to China in early 1971.

It was a surprising visit because the Chinese too didn’t believe in Santa. But President Wayne had appreciated Pakistan’s help and pledged that the US will lift the weapons embargo on Pakistan as early as 2077 AD.

Chinese premier Chu Bing Lee and his entourage await the arrival of US President Wayne at the Peking Airport.


Relations between the US and Pakistan remained rather casual during much of the 1970s. But in April 1979, the United States suspended economic assistance to Pakistan over concerns about Pakistan's nuclear program. The Pakistan government which had been taken over in 1977 by the benevolent dictator General Mard Ko Dard Nahi Hota responded to the new US aid suspension by publicly flogging over 200 Pakistanis.

However, the Soviet invasion of a large piece of rock called Afghanistan forced the US to rethink its Pakistan policy. The Soviet invasion of the rock highlighted the common interest of Pakistan and the United States in opposing the evil Soviet Union and its diabolical disbelief in Santa.

In 1981, Pakistan and the United States agreed on a $3.2 billion military and economic assistance program aimed at helping Pakistan deal with the Soviets on the rock. The then American President Rocky Balboa hoped that the US and Pakistan could work together to once and for all eradicate the communist menace from the Australasia region. When told that Pakistan was in South Asia, President Balboa remarked, "but communism is everywhere". He then added that the US will go to any length to save the sanctity of Santa.

President Balboa.

General Mard Ko Dard Nahi Hota.


The poised, pious and powerful Zia regime with US, Saudi and supplementary divine assistance armed the anti-Soviet fighters on the rock eventually drove the Soviet soldiers out. Some of these ousted soldiers even began to believe in Santa. It was a great victory. Jingle bells rang all the way.

However, the ouster of the Soviets left behind a number of now very bored Arab, Afghan and Pakistani fighters on the rock. These fighters wanted to recreate Afghanistan not like what it was before the Soviet invasion but what it was like on the eve of the first Bronze Age.

Post-Cold-War

Prior to the 9/11 attacks in New York, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia were key supporters of the Teletubbies in Afghanistan. The Teletubbies are a large group of herdsmen who were convinced that goats were more valuable than women. By 1996, they were ruling Afghanistan.

Support to these herdsmen was an integral part of Pakistan’s strategic objective vis-a-vis India, Iran, Russia and the Vatican City. After some reckless piloting by some renegade Arabian camel jockeys who rammed flying camels into the World Trade Centre, Pakistan, led by General Papa Musharraf, reversed course and dumped the herdsmen.

US president, George W. Wuss, had threatened Musharraf, growling that the US would bomb Pakistan back to Stone Age if he didn’t dump the herdsmen. What Wuss didn’t realise was that a back-to-stone-age scenario was exactly what the herdsmen were working for!

Musharraf joined the US in its Error on Terror as an ally.

A group of Teletubbies in the tribal areas of Pakistan.

 

[Devil Soul]

Since 2001, Pakistan has arrested over 500 al-Calendar herdsmen and handed them over to the US. In June 2004, President George W. Wuss designated Pakistan as a major ally, making it eligible, among other things, to purchase advanced American military technology and Betty Crocker chocolate chip cookies with extra icing.

But Pakistan has lost thousands of lives. Most were killed by the Teletubbies and some by American drone attacks. But many Pakistanis believed most were killed by the drones (approximately 2 million) while the rest (approximately 17) were killed by innocent men with an abnormal combustion condition in which normal, peace loving and pious men suddenly combust in and around shrines and markets.

This condition was blamed on the tempered polio drops these poor souls were given in childhood by Icelandic agents masquerading as NGO workers.

The deadly polio drops which cause spontaneous combustion in pious men and women. The combustion is often mistaken as suicide bombing.


Ruing its strategic mistakes in the area, new US president, Barack Obamarama, conceded that the US had made the mistake of putting all its eggs in one basket in the shape of General Papa Musharraf. In other words, he called Musharraf a basket case.

The contentious Abbottabad incident

On May 2, 2011, shortly after 1 am the head of al-Calendar, Osama Bin There Done That was killed by a United States Special Forces unit led by an army of T-1000 Terminators, in the Pakistani city of Absurdabad. The operation, codenamed Operation Phallic Symbol, was ordered by Obamarama.

Most Pakistanis were scandalised. They were sure that the American accusations were part of a huge international conspiracy funded by western multinationals, Jewish bankers and Congo bongo players against Pakistan.

A Congolese bongo player lobbying against Pakistan.


Pakistanis were just too smart to be made a fool of. There was no Osama in that compound in Absurdabad. The Americans killed a look-alike. The real Osama died of gall-bladder failure in a bush in Rwanda in 2002. What’s more, his supposed wives that were captured from the Absurdabad compound too were look-alikes, and so were the children.

But it doesn’t stop here. Many Pakistanis know that the news about Osama’s death from gall-bladder ailment in Rwanda in 2002 is also suspect. That guy too was a look-alike. It can safely be said that the guy they killed in Absurdabad in 2011 was actually a look-alike of the look-alike.

So, now, the question is, when did Osama die if not in 2002 or 2011? According to a famous journalist and TV anchor, Tipu Sultan, who interviewed Osama in an impoverished disco in Kandahar in 1998, Osama was actually dead at the time of the interview.

Sultan said that that the guy he talked to was an expert Osama look-alike who told him (off the record) that Osama actually died in 1991 of malaria in the jungles of Cambodia.

Nevertheless, there is every likelihood that the guy in the Cambodian jungle too was a look-alike. So, in other words, the guy who the Americans claimed of killing in Absurdabad was really a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike. There never was an Osama. He was never born. It was all an American concoction.

Pakistani TV anchor, Tipu Sultan, who proved that Osama never existed. He was an elaborate concoction.


The character of Osama was first conceived by America’s 15th President James Buchannan in 1859 when, along with the Queen of England, he decided to begin a new crusade against Muslims. According to the well-known Muslim historian, Naseem Hijazi, the British monarchy had accused a man called Osama for financing and instigating the 1857 Indian Mutiny.

The Americans and the British then claimed to have suppressed the mutiny by killing Osama in a daring raid. He was claimed to have been hiding in the hookah lounge of the last Mughal king, Bahadur Shah Zafar. Zafar denied the accusations, saying no such man was seen on his radar.

The British exiled Zafar to Burma and destroyed the radar, saying there was no such thing as a radar. But the man the British claimed was Zafar was not exiled to Burma. He was only a look-alike. The real Zafar died of dengue fever in Bermuda where he had gone to raise an army against the British and to study tropical plants. Famous thinker and horticulturalist, Dr Danish, confirmed this.

This concocted episode was rightly expunged from the history books by Muslim historians, until America brought the invisible Osama character back to life in the 1990s.

They had originally planned to use him as a boogeyman to invade Canada, but changed their plans when they got jealous of all the amazing and unprecedented progress taking place in Afghanistan under the Teletubbies.

Afghan capital Kabul before the American attack and occupation.


Thus, not surprisingly, the 9/11 episode happened. We all know who was responsible. The man the western media showed praising the 9/11 attacks in a video was not Osama. He was just some Arab skiing enthusiast telling (with gestures) his Afghan friends about his latest skiing trip in the Alps. There never was an Osama.

Furthermore, America never won the war against the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union’s breakup too was a concoction. Soviet Union is still alive and thriving. Truth is, there is no US. There hasn’t been one since the first Star Wars film. What we see today is a look-alike.

Pak-US ties: Future prospects

In an early statement on Pakistan, the US President-elect, Donny Trump, tweeted: "Got to keep Pakis out. Thus making Mexican wall."

When told that Pakistan is not in Mexico, Trump tweeted: "My bad. I don’t know any Arabic."

When told that Pakistanis do not speak Arabic, Trump tweeted: "Heck, what kind of oil tycoons are these?"

When told that Pakistan doesn’t have any oil wealth, he tweeted: "WTF? Then why am I even tweeting about this?"

He then blocked all Pakistani Twitter accounts.

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire







Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com. He has also authored a book on the social history of Pakistan called, End of the Past.

He tweets @NadeemfParacha



The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

 

[Salik]

I had lots of reservations about this article, but thanks god it was a satire lol.